Snobby boyfriend won't propose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Snobby boyfriend won't propose
6
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 12:09pm
I have been with my boyfriend, on and off, for over 2 years now. I am 22 years old and he is my first serious boyfriend. In the beginning of the relationship, he wore his heart on his sleeve and talked about the future very often. He was humble and awkward, and I loved it. He gave me sweet, thoughtful compliments and nice gifts on occasions. But now that he is older and nearing college graduation, he is so much more reserved. His attitude did a complete 180 and I suddenly feel like I'm not good enough for him. He is extremely arrogant and constantly brags about his potential (meanwhile, I'm not in school and am on unemployment). He is incredibly selfish and snobby (though he currently lives on his mother's dime). He stopped mentioning the future and quickly changes the subject whenever I bring it up. His future career totally took my place as his #1 priority. He completely stopped attempting to please me sexually and expects me to do all of the work in the bedroom. It's like he's stopped trying to make me happy, which he should want to do. I could be wrong, but I'm starting to feel like he's holding out for a more successful girl, one that will fit (and contribute to) the elegant lifestyle he craves. I am too good to him for it to be something that I'm doing wrong. I was recently fired, don't have a car, and am very family-oriented (not career-oriented). I think these things may label me a loser in his eyes and are preventing him from proposing to me, even though he loves me. What else could it be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 12:26pm

" I think these things may label me a loser in his eyes and are preventing him from proposing to me, even though he loves me. What else could it be?"

If, and that's a humungus IF, that's the case why in the world would you even WANT a guy who labels you a "loser"!?!

Unfortunately, the truth here is much more painful. After two years he *doesn't want* to marry you. But he's too cowardly and selfish (this you know) to let you go. After all, he's got you smootching his behind, giving him no-strings-attached sex (face it, there are no strings because he's behaving this way and he hasn't been cut off), and basically breaking the cardinal rule of NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY WHILE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THEIR OPTION!

Muster up your pride and dignity woman! Choose a man worthy of the wonderful you, instead of desperately waiting for this one to choose you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 1:56pm
Both of you are young and he might just not be ready for marriage. He is probably realizing that he is about to graduate so his life is barely about to begin and he might not want to settle down just yet. Don't take it personally and just understand that as people mature they change the way they view life. Have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and see how he responds and from that you need to decide if he is worth keeping. Good Luck.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 2:39pm

And if he did propose, would you say yes in light of everything you've written about him? He's treating you like crap. Does a proposal erase all of this? It sounds like things have reached a dysfunctional place with the two of you. I can't imagine how a proposal would suddenly fix everything.

One thing I hate to see women do is idealize the marriage proposal to the point that it almost doesn't matter who the ring comes from. We somehow think engaged or married women are happier and luckier than those who aren't. Don't fall for this and don't tie your happiness and self-worth to a "snobby boyfriend."

Your post is very revealing and I suspect contains the answers you need as far as how to proceed with this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:35pm
I like that rule, "NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY WHILE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THEIR OPTION". I've never heard that before but I will keep it in mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:56pm
It is a good one.. I remember an older lady telling me this when I was about 16. SHe told me I want someone who chooses me and I have the option to choose them back or not but never choose and give them an option because he may not pick me and will take me but I will do all I can but he will still do what he wants because he has an option to pick me or not and I am already caught up. I didn't understand it at the time but as I got older and began dating that was the gist of it, how I put it versus how it was put here.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 7:06pm
It doesnt sound like he is the guy that you fell in love with. People grow and change tremendously in those college years. You two have grown in different directions and have very different values in life. You need to find someone that shares the same values and goals as you and also appreciates you. It would be advisable to quickly move on from this dysfunctional relationship --- otherwise he will just drain you for what he can get. It seems that inside you know the truth about the situation and you know what you need to do. Find the courage and go for it.