So confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
So confused
17
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:22pm
For the past 2 years I have been on and off dating Mike, a guy who started off as a good friend of mine. We met in law school four years ago when I had another serious boyfriend. Initially, our relationship was completely platonic but I always thought the world of him as a person. But when my ex and I broke up two years ago, within months, my relationship with Mike became physical. Though I cared about him, I was initially hesitant to make it more than just a "friends with benefits" situation. Essentially the reason for this was completely superficial, as Mike is short (about 5'4"--an inch shorter than I am) and just not my ideal type looks-wise. From day one he wanted us to be together but I just couldn't see myself "ending up with him." Though it was hard, we remained friends (with a few nights of dramatic talks or sex thrown in), while I continued to causally date others. But the more time I spent with Mike and the more I saw what garbage is out there (good looking guys with no depth etc), the more I realized that my chemistry with Mike was effortless and amazing. Finally, about five months ago I gave him a real shot. I stopped dating anyone else and concentrated on us. And so much about it was wonderful. He treated me like a queen, he made me laugh, he listened and he supported me. But I just couldn't get those superficial thoughts to go away. One day I was completely in love and the next, I would obsess over his height, or just not find myself attracted to him. It hurt to have doubts about a person who loved me so much, and I couldn't help but feel I was wasting his and my time. So a few weeks ago, I ended things. It was good at first. It felt right. I figured that I needed to move on. But now, I'm miserable. I miss him terribly and I'm again reminded of how much better he is than what's out there. Not having him now, I feel like all that superficial stuff is meaningless and I would do anything to have him back, and spend the rest of my life with him. I want to tell him this but I'm so scared that, even if he would have me back (who knows if he would ever trust me), once I have him, those damn superficial doubts will creep their way back in again. So please, I need advice. Are these doubts a bad sign and I should move on? Or will I always regret that I let him get away? Part of me knows that looks fade and love is so hard to find. But the other part thinks its valid to want complete physical attraction to your mate. Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
In reply to: missyleigh41
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 6:02pm

This is turning into an interesting thread!

Cher, here's what I think. Say you're given a choice between 3 guys:

Guy 1: intense physical chemistry, but otherwise you've got nothing in common.

Guy 2: your best friend in the world, but it takes effort to make yourself want to sleep with him.

Guy 3: good effortless physical chemistry, and you get along very well too.

If these 3 guys were lined up in front of you, which one would you choose? Are you saying you would choose Guy 2? I think most women would be happier with Guy 3. Do you disagree with that? (Maybe not 100% ALL women, I will concede that, but at least the vast majority).

Or are you saying that you don't think Guy 3 exists? Is a very scarce commodity? Is not worth waiting around for? If that's what you're saying, I think you're wrong. At least, not when you're 26 with no kids. JMHO, respectfully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: missyleigh41
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 7:35pm

Guy 1: intense physical chemistry, but otherwise you've got nothing in common.


definitely not. for obvious reasons. the r'ship would die once the sex got boring.


Guy 2: your best friend in the world, but it takes effort to make yourself want to sleep with him.


if it's to the point where I have to force myself to sleep with him, then nope here too.


Guy 3: good effortless physical chemistry, and you get along very well too.


and what about the rest of the r'ship? do i even like him as a person, or do I just "get along" with him? do we have the same values?


the problem with the last one, is............if that's ONLY what I have with him, then no. I would walk away from that too. Why? cuz it takes more than "getting along" and "physical chemistry" to make a r'ship work.


I'm not saying, you shouldn't wait, but EVERYONE needs to make their own decisions about "waiting". And how long you're waiting. I mean, hell, you could say I have forever, being the fact that I'm 30 and don't want kids, so no bio clock to even think about. HOWEVER, I don't feel like I'm settling cuz I HAVE to. I don't even feel like I'm settling.


You're posting, as if I have resigned to finding a man with all the qualities I want, and instead, have just taken whatever is in front of me. Maybe in the beginning of our r'ship, that was true. However, I also, went out with my dbf because we got along great and he made me laugh like no other bf ever has. Regardless if I see him or talk to him, he somehow, someway makes me smile or laugh every single day. How many women can say that of their SO's, with physical chemistry and passion? I enjoy my dbf on so many levels. Here, maybe this will explain.


Saturday's, this is our normal schedule.


I LOVE that I can wake up next to my dbf as his gf and lover. I love that I can get ready with him in the morning, as his gf and woman he loves (and vice versa). I love that we can go play golf as golfing buddies. I love that we can have lunch afterwards as friends. I love that we can hang out after golf, as friends, AND as bf/gf. I love that we can have dinner as bf/gf, and I love that we can end the day as lovers, making love.


To me, THAT is a great r'ship. Where NOTHING is more overpowering than something else.


When I was with my 2xh. We had EVERYTHING. Love, chemistry, passion. We woke up as lovers, hung out as lovers, had dinner as a married couple, went do bed as lovers. Our LIFE revolved around our chemistry and passion. We loved being in love. We loved each other and everything we did. We loved.....and we lived in love. Boy, it was passionate and tiring. lol. I do admit, it was wonderful always being on that high, but when things weren't so perfect, it was pure hell.


So, when I say I "settled" it means I went from WANTING to be "oh so perfectly in love 24/7" to realizing I love what I have. Having a lover, a friend, a golf buddy, a bf, ALL ROLLED IN ONE. I don't want a man to be ONLY a bf. Nor do I want him to be ONLY a sex object. And just cuz you get along with a sex object, doesn't mean when the going gets tough, he'll fight for the r'ship. My dbf, short, funny-looking, high squeaky voice at times, and all, is FIGHTING for the r'ship. and to me, that is more sexier than my hot 2xh who threw in the towel.


BTW, I'd pick 2, IF and ONLY IF, my attraction grew for him, AND he was everything I've always wanted in my life. which is what I have right now. A man, who I pretty much forced myself to sleep with, but my attraction for him grew, as so did my love.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: missyleigh41
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 5:01pm


This question was asked <>

And OP stated in her original post << I miss him terribly and I'm again reminded of how much better he is than what's out there. Not having him now, I feel like all that superficial stuff is meaningless and I would do anything to have him back, and spend the rest of my life with him. >>

FOLLOW YOUR HEART, GIRL! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
In reply to: missyleigh41
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:48pm
i don't think you really have the chemistry with him or you wouldn't be bothered with the looks
you are sexually attracted in a closet case way with him. your more attracted to how he treats you, but chemistry is blind like the rose colored glasses
maybe you should move on to someone you have real chemistry and attraction to
i don't think it is just the superficial thing bothering you
with chemistry you just know, you can't let go
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
In reply to: missyleigh41
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:17pm
i have the tall good looking ones fighting for me, but the ones that i think i have chemistry with happen to run from me. (not so tall or good looking)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: missyleigh41
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:52pm

TO ALL:

I daresay that if a man were the OP, relating the same situation only that his gal's chest was 32AA and he really likes big boobs, he'd be blasted so hard and fast our screens would be smokin' w/each post.

That being said, each of us are entitled to our physical and personality preferences, and, as cher related, those can and do change. I remember when I was shopping for wedding dresses, I tried on dozens that I thought fit my idea of me being the Scarlett O'Hara of my wedding. The long-suffering attendant brought yet another, and I said, 'Excuse me, that's ugly!' She talked me into trying it on; as she was lifting it over my head, I was, literally, sighing in utter frustration. This one was so plain! Guess what? It fit me like a glove and was perfect for my small body. The longer it was on me, the more I noticed the intricate detail of the sleeves, the simple yet elegant beading, how the neckline flattered my face, the slightly hooped skirt and the cathedral train. I fell in love w/it.

Point to the OP? If the amount of time you spend enjoying/loving him is greater than the amount you have doubts about his height/looks, it seems to me you have your answer.

V.

Oh, P.S. it might also help, as per my experience, to keep him on your body as long as possible ;-)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
In reply to: missyleigh41
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 9:38pm

nah i actually think that it's pretty much just his height (or maybe even just our lack-of-height-difference). i've sort of day-dreamed a bunch of times about how things would be if he were say 5'10," and i'm confident that, if he were, we would have been seriously dating from the get-go.

sad but true.

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