so confused!
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| Wed, 05-11-2005 - 11:53am |
Hi everyone,
About a month ago I posted about being discouraged about things being 'blah' in my LD relationship. He just always seemed either really happy, or really down - and since one of the things I like so much about him is his positive nature, that not being there was really taking its toll on me.
Anyway, I've just got back into town for the summer - finally, for the first time in our 4 mth relationship we're in the same city! I knew we had to talk about what was up/what was going on, and luckily he thought so too. It came out that the reason he was so moody/upset sometimes was that he felt like 'i just wasn't that into him'. He felt like sometimes we had great times, and i was totally into him then, but when times were just ok, i wasn't. I could totally see where he was coming from on this. I had thought the exact same thing - it was the times where we were totally relaxed with eachother that I could never imagine breaking up with him, and I wholeheartedly wanted to be with him. But the times when he wasn't so happy, I found myself not feeling so into him. Obviously this has become a vicious circle... he is unhappy, i am not that into it, he senses that and is more unhappy, etc....
So I'm definitely glad we talked about that - hopefully the unhappy cycle can somehow stop. The thing is though, I obviously do have doubts about the relationship - sometimes he does things that I just do not understand!! But at the same time, these are some of the things that I do like about him because they are things that I would never have the courage to do and I admire that he does. But some things he does, I do not like. These aren't things that happen every day or anything, just once in a while that sometimes leave me wondering if i am 'that into him?'.
I know I have to just relax and give things a chance - it is the fact that I can't seem to that create these problems in the first place, and make him distanced - which is one of the things i don't like.... he told me he has to feel loved in order to feel totally comfortable in the relationship, and me not being able to do that is what is making him distanced.
Anyway, sorry this is long, but any advice on this? Sometimes I feel inside like I know this isn't going to work, but I just want it to so bad... other times I feel like it is my overanalysis that is causing all the problems. But then again, when things are good - i feel like i could never imagine ending things.
Just to recap, we've only been dating for 4 mths, but I've known him for about a year - and our whole dating relationship has been LD so far, but now I'm home for the next 4 mths.
Thanks so much guys!

All I can say is, are you dating my xh? lol. Seriously, we had a LDR and this is EXaCTLY what it sounded like.
in regards to this:
"I know I have to just relax and give things a chance - it is the fact that I can't seem to that create these problems in the first place, and make him distanced - which is one of the things i don't like.... he told me he has to feel loved in order to feel totally comfortable in the relationship, and me not being able to do that is what is making him distanced. "
I feel like he has an UNREALISTIC view of what love and r'ships are. NOBODY has the right to expect the other person to "make them feel loved". that's total BS.
BTW, my xh told me the same thing. When he didn't feel loved, he'd pull away. He always acted out of spite, instead of love. I had to make him feel loved at all times, otherwise his mood would change considerbly. Let me just put it this way, it gets VERY OLD, VERY FAST, to have to MAKE someone feel loved. MAKE them feel secure. MAKE them happy.
I would take the next few months, and really learn about this man. I don't mean, if you get along, but I mean, keep your eyes wide open to how he acts when YOU act differently, or if YOU have a bad day.
Seriously, my xh ran me into the ground, with his expectations of what a r'ship should be like. And in the end, he always always acted out of spite. I am reading about passive aggressive men and he fits the mold. Just be wary, and keep your eyes WIDE open, and don't allow yourself to get brainwashed by "lovey dovey" things. SEe him for he truly is. and if he's great, GREAT. if not, then there's your answer.
Expecting someone to make you feel loved, is unhealthy, toxic, and well, just isn't realistic.
~pineapple_girl
Thanks for the advice to you both.
When he says 'he needs to feel loved' he means i just need to be giving things a chance and he needs to know that he isn't wasting his time being with someone who doesn't like him back. I told him that there are no guarantees in dating - i can't promise i'll love him forever, etc.... but i am willing to be giving things a chance - after all, that is why i AM dating him. He totally understood and agreed with that, but it seems that the way i have been 'expressing' that i do like him isn't the way he is used to or needs to feel it, and that has him discouraged. I do understand that there are different ways that ppl can express their love/like... for some ppl spending time with them shows that, for others it requires a more verbal sense, and so on. I just feel like I have been expressing things in one way, when he senses them more in another way and vice versa.
In terms of the things I don't like - they aren't like abusive or dangerous things or anything like that.... sometimes he can just be stubborn, is sometimes more outspoken than i am personally, but to a point i admire that. I guess it is just getting that balance of how much of those things i can handle, and when it becomes excessive. This moodiness is also getting on my nerves, but I'm hoping it is mainly this unresolved issue that has been hard to talk about over the LD that will help it get resolved.
All I can do is give things a chance, and if he is still moody when I am trying my best, then I guess that is my answer, right? Thanks for your advice guys.... any more would definitely help!