So confused about mixed signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
So confused about mixed signals
6
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 2:21pm

I've never posted here before, but am hoping that someone can maybe give me some insight on this situation. There's a man that I've been seeing - started out as friends with benefits which we both were happy about - and then after about 4 or 5 months of FWB, MY emotions became involved.

He actually confronted me about them, and I told the truth, that my feelings for him had started to deepen past the friends with benefit stage. He freaked out a little bit, but didn't quit calling me or quit wanting to see me. Since then, we've talked more, and he has told me that he can handle how I'm feeling, but that he doesn't feel the same way. The closest he's come is telling me that I'm very special to him. Later this very same evening, he turns to me and tells me if we'd met 20 years ago, we would still be together today (as in still married), and then starts making references to having a baby late in life (we're both in our 40s). This is not the first time he's done this, but is the most recent one.

I am now so confused. Do I give him a chance to sort through what he's really feeling or do I confront him about the confusion? Any help or advice about this situation would be so appreciated. In my head and heart, I've gone around and around with this so many times already that I don't even know where I stand with myself on it! Thanks for taking the time to read this and for any responses.

BooKitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 2:55pm

Why are you still seeing him if he doesn't feel more and you do?

I would confront him on his recent words of baby talk and marriage/being together for the past 20 years.

And if he continues to say, "i don't want a r'ship" or "i don't feel the same" then I would ask him to stop saying anything that construes he cares about me, or wants me in his life, or wanted, or wahtevers. no future talk period. And if he continues, I'd leave.

Because if he can so those thigns, that gives you hope, and KNOWS that you want more, and KNOWS he wont' give you more, he is PURPOSELY hurting you, confusing you, and giving you hope (which in my book is the WORST a man can do....give you false hope).

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 6:05pm
I've questioned why I stay. Is it because I don't want to be lonely, or am I wishing and hoping that he will start to develop these feelings for me or has he started to, and is just too scared to say anything? We speak nearly everyday (at least 6 out of 7 days), we always enjoy the time we're together, never fuss or fight (which neither of us like to do anyway). And you're right. I do need to confront him about whether we do have a future together but am scared that if I say something right now, it will push him away completely. I guess that's a chance I'll have to take. I just don't know if I'm ready for this to end, and I'm really afraid that's what will happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 6:52pm

My band-aid analogy of pulling it off slowly, versus ripping it off.....

Do you want to go on like this, not knowing what is going on, falling in love with him and THEN have him say, "i have to end our little situation, because i've fallen in love with someone".

or

Would you rather confront him NOW, and have him say, "it's not what I want with you, I'm sorry." and then you choosing to end it because you know it's for the best?

(of course, he could say he does want something, then GREAT! i'm just trying to prepare you for the worst)

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:05pm
I totally agree with your band-aid analogy. And I'm trying to find the strength inside to do that because I know it's the right thing to do and, more importantly, I know it's the right thing to do for me. I am smart enough to know that's it's not supposed to be this much emotional turmoil. Like Sheryl Crow says, "if it makes you happy, then why the h*ll are you so sad?" I just feel so pathetic for not being strong enough to call it off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:30pm

Hugs. It's not easy. I know in my own r'ship, there are many times I probably should've walked, yet, I didn't. If you're heart won't listen, then at least stick it out, and hope for the best, but you should talk with him. You never know. I know my guy didn't want a commitment, but that was cuz his idea of a commitment was seeing each other everyday and he wasn't ready for that. Once I said that THAT had nothing to do with it, he was more than willing. And we went from friends, to dating, to FWB,to a couple. You never know, right?

Good luck. Take care of your heart, but know when to take risks.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 1:34pm
Thanks for all of your help. I do plan to talk to him about this, talking to him about the mixed signals, saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, and how I deserve to know the truth in all of these matters. My heart is so not ready to let go of this man. Since that is the case, the only thing I know to do is to just take each day as it comes, rejoice in the good times, learn some patience, and quit trying to guess the future. This doesn't mean resigning myself to forever, waiting on this man, but it does mean listening to my heart much more closely and recognizing exactly what it's telling me.