SO confused, advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
SO confused, advice please!
6
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 11:52am

k, so I recently broke up with bf of one year. Well since then I have been talking to a guy who I have known casually for a while but only since I was single did we exchange numbers and start talking. This past weekend I had a small party and things got a little crazy, I ended up sleeping with this guy. We had hung out a couple of times, nothing but a couple of kisses but we talked almost everyday sometimes twice..well anyway, so he called me on Tuesday...I think ok things are cool...then Thursday night I text him about something else and he texts me back that he misses me and he thinks he loves me? WOW, took me totally off guard. OK, so I basically tell him that I was really surprised by that and he says I really like you and can't get you off my mind. He wants to come over, I say, no if you want to see me then you'll have to ask me out on a real date. (he knows my ex so we have been kind of hanging out discreetly) He says HELL YES. We end the coversation with a good night baby (both). Well anyway, after all of his professing his "like, love" whatever and calling me baby, sweetie, honey and I miss you so much stuff I have heard nothing from him...if he was at all sincere he would have called me by now or at least texted to say hello. Am I wrong?

Here's the thing, I do like him but I don't want a serious relationship and told him I am looking to date, go slow etc...I just got of one....yes, things got crazy last weekend but we were drinking heavily and well, stuff happens...we are both adults here. Why play the game? I mean really wouldn't "I like you and would love to see you again" be sufficient?? Why the professions if ya really just don't care? What is the point?? I would have been fine with Hey it was fun but I just wanna be friends. I guess I should have said it Thursday night but I got a lil caught up in it all, I admit. I do like him, a lot. I think it was also part of missing that part of being in a relationship that got me sucked in. Although I did not profess anything but like for him. Yes, I did play right into his hand I guess...hindsight...oh well. I am wondering now if he was just playing wiht me to see if he could come over that night. Maybe he's a player?

SO, should I contact him and say something like, "we should just be friends, it was a crazy night that shouldn't ruin an otherwise good friendship" or should I just let it lie and see if I ever hear from him again? I hate that he might be thinkin yeah, she's right where I want her but I also don't want to appear all bent about anything cuz I am really not. Confused, yes...but not angry. We have a lot of the same friends, I see him all the time unless I stay home, which I just got done doing cuz of my break up. I don't really want to be in selcusion again. Please no lectures on the getting drunk and hooking up, I am almost 40 yrs old...if I can't get drunk at home and have sex with a friend well then something is wrong. I didn't try to make it more than that, so why should he and then not follow thru??? I am SO confused!!!!! Thanks guys I really appreciate any insight into this? advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 8:27am

My guess is that you're not offering what he's looking for. You only want casual dating. But perhaps he's looking for something more to follow on from the sex? Not all guys are players out to get some ass without commitment :-) Assuming that he's your age, he's likely looking for something a bit more permanent. Lots of my friends tired of the casual dating thing when they hit their mid 30's. They wanted to stop messing about, settle down and have babies. I'm your age and there's a whole baby boom happening among my friends.

From what you say, he was being rather passionate about how he felt about you on the phone....but I wonder if you were being too cool in response? He may have gotten off the phone, re-considered the conversations and decided that the two of you are looking for different things. Perhaps he wants to stop the game playing/casual dating thing and look towards marriage and a family.

Having said all that, I find his declarations of love and missing you to be a bit over the top. Esp. considering that he barely knows you. It's this declaration of love that makes me think he's looking for equal enthusiam on your part. But it's the same declaration which would make me wary if I were you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:40am
thanks but he's been married twice and has 3 kids, 2 that are 20+...he started YOUNG. SO, I don't think that is it...he did end up calling, we went hiking yesterday but he also asked to spend the night on saturday night...I said yes to the hiking and no to the sleeping over. Honestly I think that long term I want more than what he can offer...I think that while yes he may be in some sort of lust with me, he said the L word but I don't think that people that can say ti so easily can be sincere about it...maybe cuz it takes me so long to say it? I waited almost 7 months before that in my last relationship. If I am honest with myself, I still lvoe my ex even with all his emotional baggage that drove us apart...so, if he asks me out again I will go...if not then so be it. time will tell I guess...thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:40am
Alright, I am going to try to be brief but let me see if I'm getting this straight- first thing that happens is you're drunk, you sleep together, you think it's a mistake, you're both adults, whatever. Second thing that happens is he's in contact with you, wants to "come over" again, he thinks he loves you, etc. Third thing is you tell him No, you want to take it slow, have a real date, etc. Then you don't hear from him at all. Hmmm... seems to me like he was looking for a repeat of Step 1 and when he realized that wasn't going to happen right away, he's taken a step back. Now, he's either evaluating if he wants to date you or not or has given up on the idea that you're going to be a booty call buddy for him.
You can't do anything to make this decision for him so just be proud of yourself that you set a standard with him and stuck to it. And be proud of yourself for taking time after a break up. You need it and you'll be glad you did it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:44am
thanks...yep that was pretty much it in a nutshell...he did end up asking me out but also asked to spend the night...I said yes to the date but no to the spending the night....so we shall see! You are so right, I will be so glad I took some time after this break up...it's been a really hard one even tho it was my decision to break things off. Personally I think the guy in question is in lust with me, he was worried about his hair when we were hiking! Another indication that physical aspect of all of this is pretty important to him...so, if he asks again I may go, who knows...depends on how I feel then...at this point in my life my emotions are all over the place! But thnaks for the imput!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 7:50am

I agree with the other posters and your sensible approach. I just wanted to add that I totally agree with aisha, I think the fact he rushed into "I love you." is NOT a good sign.

Usually people who fall in love so easily are pretty needy and not very secure or emotionally stable. USUALLY. Generally it's a sign that they are uncomfortable being alone and that they feel they need someone in their life to fill some type of void they feel. Really unhealthy stuff in most cases. Definately proceed woith caution and if it was me I'd run for the hills if he started saying things like, "I need you." or talking about "we" too much too soon.

Bottom line if he makes you uneasy, trust your instincts, and dump him before he can suck you in. Speaking as a person who has been sucked in it sucks. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:43am
well my plan worked...he is no longer calling or texting...weeded him out I guess...I am actually glad, he was way too shallow for me :-) so another lesson learned, another heartbreak missed :-) thanks guys!