So confused! Where do I stand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2012
So confused! Where do I stand...
15
Sat, 01-14-2012 - 1:25am

New here and hope you can offer some insight for me.

I was in a long term marriage which ended in divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Sun, 01-15-2012 - 10:34am
It's not at all uncommon for relationships to develop between people who have bonded through the experience of tragedies or difficult situations. As a matter of fact, I recall reading an article a few years back about the number of WTC survivors and of those who lost family members and friends who developed relationships with others who experienced the loss. In the article, a psychologist explained that there are several reasons for this to occur, but the ones that come to mind are: a) the commonality- in the same way that people are drawn to each other by having common interests, tragedy is a mutual experience; b) the high emotional state & vulnerability- when one experiences such a loss, emotions are heightened & it is common to form emotional attachments to people, places & things that provide comfort; c) renewed sense of the value of life-the realization that life is short and a drive to make every moment count often drives people into taking risks and living for the moment; d) romanticism- the tragedy and mutual loss become the basis for a feeling of being "soul mates" and the event(s) as divine intervention in bringing about their relationship. The article went on to say that while some of these relationships may succeed, many do not. Sustaining such relationships comes from the discovery and development of a commonality that it completely removed from the events and emotions that initially brought them together. I am wondering if this could apply to your situation. Your meeting and friendship came about because you had both experienced divorce and was "moved along" by your own grief of being alone and his feelings of loss for the death of his brother. When you stress how much you enjoy talking to him, it sounds as though he is fulfilling a need that you have to be connected to someone-to not feel alone. You don't, however, even hint that you are attracted to him physically or romantically. Could it be that you are misinterpreting your need for a friendship-and male companionship-with romantic interest? Could it be that you are mistaking his interest in you as a valued friend and comforter for something more? I have no way of knowing, but this may be something worth contemplating. Ask yourself this--since your marriage ended, have you "become whole" again? Or are you wanting a relationship to fulfill you and take away the "humdrums"? Sorry about the block of text, but my iPad doesn't recognize paragraphs :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-15-2012 - 12:21pm

I don't think I would want to bring this up so soon after the guy's brother died & while he is still experiencing stress from that, but I think at some point you will have to be brave and tell him that you have romantic feelings for him if you don't want to just keep it at friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2012
Sun, 01-15-2012 - 5:49pm

Your response brings about some questions for me, but also clarifys things in some ways.

But to answer your questions, he is actually one of the best looking guys I have ever met *in my opinion of course* And before the stuff with his brother occured, it was very very romantic and we were talking about things I haven't ever been able to talk with anyone about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 11:48am

Out of curiosity, why did you move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2012
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 6:09pm

I actually moved for financial reasons, 80 miles further away from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 10:58am

Wow - your 2010 makes mine look easy (i left ex in Jan 2010). You are a very strong woman to have survived all that.

How devastating for him, that is awful.. Give him time, it sounds like yall really are close, and this is just an awful time for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2012
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 6:51pm

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 10:07am

I don;t

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Sat, 01-28-2012 - 7:06pm
Very interesting. It's clear you REALLY like this guy. At least you know that. Sometimes we men pull back a little when things seem to be heading down the committment path too quickly. We actually prefer, most of the time, to take things sort of slowly just to see how it feels. Also, with work, children, ex's, etc. we may not have the free time we had when we were younger and had tons of free time to date and spend lots of time with our girlfriend.
Certainly, one thinks "if he wanted to be with me, he'd make the time" and I agree, but it's simply amazing in the crazy world how difficult to even find one night a week for a simple dinner date, believe it or not.
So, I'd be a little patient. It may take some time for your situation to become clearer to you. If he really likes you, you will know....I promise.
Does that help? In the meantime, doesn't hurt to meet others for coffee, glass of wine, etc. Each new relationship adds something to your life.......and that's kind of fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 01-31-2012 - 7:53pm

Hello Lostman.. By the way I dont think you are lost. (lol)

sorry to step on the post but you seem like a very level headed guy and wrote some nice things. I was wondering if you have time can you join us over at the singles board right here on Ivillage..

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