so hurt - pls help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
so hurt - pls help me
2
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:10pm
Hello,
I don't post too much, although I frequently visit the m-boards and have read some great advice posted to other members. Right now I am really upset and could use some advice -
I was dating a guy for almost 7 mos, and things were perfect - we never fought, we both really enjoyed spending time together (although it was only about 1x/week, because we lived an hr apart and he is in his residency and works LOOONG hours...but his 1 night off was almost always spent w/ me, unless he was meeting some of his friends/fam that were in town visiting. Although we never said I love you, the past few mos, I felt really ready to say it, but was scared because I've never said it before..although I was trying to think up a "special way" to say it for the 1st time..in the meantime, I was fine w/ waiting a little longer, because I truly believed through his actions/how he looked at me/treated me that he felt basically the same way. 2 wks ago was my bday and he took me out for a great dinner and got me a very sentimental present and we went to see fireworks - I'm tellin ya, everything was perfect! We even talked about doing things/trips over the summer, etc...Well..yesterday, I returned to my home from a week out of state visiting my family, and he came over to spend time w/ me, and we had a great day...but at the very end of the day, he said "We need to talk..."...I got really scared and I could tell he looked upset, and he kept saying this is so hard...then he said "I think we should probably stop seeing each other..."...I asked why (through tears) and he said "we've been together a while now, and I feel like by now I should be in love w/ u, but I don't feel like I'm falling in love w/ you"...I asked him if there was someone else, and he said no, and I believe him, besides being an honest, good person, he wouldn't have time w/ his work anyway to meet anyone else. I was just so shocked and caught off guard, I didn't know what to say, I wanted to ask him all these questions, but at the same time I felt really pathetic and didn't want to "beg" him to stay w/ me if he didn't want to, but I was just so confused because through his actions he seemed to be feeling exactly the same way as me. I did ask him if he thought in time he might fall in love, and he said he just doesn't see us being long term, and he doesn't want to hurt me by staying together then breaking up later down the road. So he was being honest and trying to be as gentle as possible..I wasn't really angry at the time, just so hurt and confused. He also said he thought we were just too different and he couldn't see us together forever. I said that I thought we were different in some ways, but we shared similar values on what really matters. I believe I asked how he thought we were so different, and he said he thought I was just so sweet and innocent, and his sense of humor is so sarcastic/wise ass, and he "doesn't want me to change"...he looked really upset and he kept saying he thinks I'm the perfect girl, the sweetest girl he's ever met, so pretty, and funny, and he doesn't get it, but just doens't think we're meant to be. I started getting really upset and asked him to leave, and he just sat there, and I couldn't look at him, and I asked him a few more times, and he didn't, so I went sobbing upstairs to my bedroom w/out looking at him..although while I was going upstairs I could hear him crying downstairs..then he left.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, but at the same time, if his feelings are definitely set and he knows we're not meant to be, then I don't want to be pushy, and I want to eventually move on. But he seemed so confused and upset telling me, that I don't understand how he could 100% want this to be over for good. I have no idea if he'll try to contact me, and I wish I knew what to say. He is so smart, and I have some great traits, but I know I'm not as smart as him, and I just wish I had something "wise" and heartfelt to say to him to try to make this work. Does anyone think I should consider sending him a letter/email expressing my feelings? Again, I don't want to be "pushy/pathetic", but I think our relationship was so special and worth at least a little bit of a fight. I have no idea what to say or do. Any advice/comments/etc. would be greatly appreciated more than you know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Happy Easter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 7:18pm

Hi there and sorry you have to go through this.

I know it is hard for you. You must accept that he does not want a relationship with you and it is over. If you talked him into coming back to you, that would never work. You'd always wonder. He needs to come back to you an express an interest in working towards a relationship with you. The way he ended it, that just does not look like a possibility.

::Does anyone think I should consider sending him a letter/email expressing my feelings?

No. You should not send him a letter. You need closure and a letter to him will not do that for you in any way. In addition, you are not likely to get a response even close to what you are hoping for. I know how it is, you lay out everything in a letter that is well thought out....then you don't get a response or you offend him or you bury your real feelings to try and get him back. Any way it works will not work well for you.

I suggest you instead write out letters to him. Say everything and anything. Do it every time you feel the need to contact him. Then, when you are done writing it, burn it. Say a prayer (if you are so inclined) when you burn it. Thank him, because really, he did you a favor and went about this the right way. He cleared the path for another man....the right man...to come into your life. That man will love you and want a relationship with you as much as you do with him. Know that this is the case.

::Again, I don't want to be "pushy/pathetic", but I think our relationship was so special and worth at least a little bit of a fight.

I'm sorry that it wasn't mutual. It probably was worth a fight for you, but unfortunately it wasn't worth the fight for him. Some people are just like that. Know that it isn't you...it is him. He may be great in a lot of ways, but forming a healthy lasting long-term relationship isn't one of the ways.

Also, you said something about the relationship being almost perfect because you didn't fight at all. Fighting/discussion etc. are a normal part of a healthy relationship. If you didn't have disagreements to talk about and resolve after almost 7 months tells me that it wasn't perfect or even close.

:: I have no idea what to say or do. Any advice/comments/etc. would be greatly appreciated more than you know.

What you need to do is focus on you. Focus on your healing and learning as much as you can about you and how you behave in relationships. Use the pain you feel now as an opportunity to grow. The pain wont be there forever...it will go away. So embrace it as something that is there for a reason....for you to grow and learn from it.

It is time to put this behind you. Know you have a bright future and great times in front of you. This is just one of those things in life you have to go through. So embrace it a get through it.

Also, there are a couple of breakup boards here. They have a lot of great advice about the end of relationships and how to deal with the things that come along with that.

Good luck and hope you had a Happy Easter!
Russ

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 7:52pm

Eten-

Your e-mail broke my heart. I know exactly how you feel. As I have told many other members, the quest to find Mr. Right is like a road trip. There are signs along the way, which you need to stop and read. Right now, it's like you've ran out of gas, and are sitting on the side of the road crying. You should. Allow yourself to be sad, for a few days, then pick yourself up and get back on the road...why? Because you are fabulous!

A letter/call expressing your feelings will not do any good- why? The sign is right in front of you- ONE WAY. He told you specifically that he didn't want to be with you, period. The upset, hurt, confusion he appeared is a figment of your imagination (don't feel bad all of us have been there). He may have said wonderful things about you that final night- why? because he's a decent person- what would he say? You are horrible, I hate your clothes, I think you are bad in bed? Of course not, he's trying to lessen the "blow".

But you can't let those kind sentiments blur the main message- he DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Pity the poor fool for losing such a stellar catch, but that's not your problem anymore. Remember this: before having this "heart to heart" with you- he recalled all the wonderful memories, the fabulous dates and the meaningful conversations about the future- then he decided he still did not want to be with you. It hurts, yes. But that is the truth. But you know what else?

There is (I promise) a man, just on the horizon who is looking for YOU! He may be breaking up with another girl at this very moment, because he's looking for someone with the qualities that only you possess! He will love you- he will want to be with you more than once a week. He will shower you with all of the love and affection you deserve. With such a prospect on the horizon, why are you still sitting on the side of the road crying? Get out there and head down the road!

And what to do in the meanwhile (besides of course turning up the music on full blast and lip sync'ing your favorite tunes)? Think of a couple of things you have always dreamed of doing. (Make them somewhat realistic) Think of a few things you can do right now to increase your chance of accomplishing those goals....then- get out there a do it. Nothing attracts a man more that a woman on a mission to fulfill her dreams. And besides- while you are busy working on those goals- you won't have time to think of the poor loser who made a really bad decision!

You can do it- because you are fabulous and deserve nothing but the BEST! Remember that!

Lots of Love!

Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com