So much chemistry but so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
So much chemistry but so confused
4
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:27am

I had been dating a guy on and off a few months ago, his ex-girlfriend has decided she is wanting to try and get back with him, 'cos they have kids together, anyway he and I have stayed friends. He has told me that we shouldn't continue with an intimate relationship, we used to fool around. Last night he invited me over for a visit to chat and watch a movie. We are extremely attracted to each other and after 2 hours of behaving ourselves, he started kissing me and touching me. I of course didn't resist 'cos I have such strong feelings for him. When I was leaving he kissed me some more and he seems to have genuine feelings for me.

I can't make out if he is just playing with me or has feelings for me, but feels obliged to keep his family together ?

Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:41am

>When I was leaving he kissed me some more and he seems to have genuine feelings for me.

If he had "genuine feelings" for you he wouldn't push you aside for another woman regardless if she is the mother of his children. He has even gone as far as telling you that you two can no longer "fool around" that to me says he is more interested in working things out with the other woman. My advice would be to let him go and find someone that is free to be with you.

BABY #3!!
 
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 1:38pm

He wants his cake, and he wants to eat it all by himself.

He tells you he wants to try with his xgf. Great fine. He tells you, that you two can't fool around. And yet, he then invites you over for a movie, and starts kissing you? Um. I would honestly assume, if I was in your place, that he's not getting any from his xgf, or seriously doesn't like her physically, and just wants to satisfy himself with you.

Granted, he COULD be confused. BUT, if you are willing to accept this man, as NOT YOURS, who comes around to FOOL AROUND, but still doesn't want you in his life (as more than a friend with benefits), just remember that YOU are allowing it.

So, if you're confused, instead of thinking about what HE is feeling, how about you ask yourself what YOU want. Do you want a man who dumps you to work things out with his x, but then makes out with you? How do you know he didn't go have sex with his x right after you left? Or maybe he was making out with his x before you got there and she wouldn't give him any, so he calls you up. Point is......

He's a cheating man. He's cheating on his x with you. Regardless of his feelings. If he honestly felt he should keep his family together, then he wouldn't cheat on the mother of his children. if he truly loves you then he shouldn't be with her.

I can't say he's playing you, but a confused man is worse than a player.....because the WOMAN ACCEPTS his actions. Do yourself a favor, if you want insist on waiting for him, make sure you keep to HIS rules of no fooling around. And make sure HE gives his x and his kids a good shot of making it work. instead of cheating with you (emotionally or physically). And if you can't be that person that wants him to be make thigns work with his x, then you aren't ready to be less than a "lover/gf". And if you aren't, then I suggest you stay OUT of contact with this man.

I've been in this situation where a guy wanted me. But was with his x. I have been in the situations where they come back, and where the don't. When they come back, they still aren't happy with me, and they cheat. BTDT a few times. When they don't come back, they cheat with me (because I was "in love" or so I thought), or when I have taken the high road of telling a man to go make it work with his x, he "falls in love" with me more. So he pursues me more (while still with the x). Point is. They play both sides. I don't go for that anymore. If a man doesn't choose me, I don't want him.

Hugs and good luck. Think about it. Do you really want a man who has chosen another woman, then cheats on that woman with you? Do you want to be the OTHER woman? the mistress? or would you rather be his gf/w? You deserve more. And you deserve a man who KNOWS what he wants. Don't sell yourself so short.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 2:23pm

Thanks for those strong words, my common sense totally agrees with you, but my heart is telling me something else.

I mean, and this really sounds like a soap opera, but the ex lives 2 doors down from me in the apartment block, I always know where she is, and he lives like 3 minutes down the road from the apartment !!

Do you think I should tell him how I feel about him ? The problem is that I have such strong feelings for him and if it wasn't for the ex getting involved and spoiling it all, he is exactly the type of man I want to be with. We also get along incredibly well and enjoy each other's company.

He also phones me every night to see how I am and to chat, like last night he called to say that today he was going up to the "bush" to do some prospecting and he should be back in town at about 8pm and he'll call me then to tell me how it went.

I know I am the "other" woman, but although a part of me really wants his family to work out, there is also a part of me that desperatly doesn't want it to work out so we can be together !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 2:49pm

Well, I guess then, you are going to wait for him. I hope he's worth the wait, because he will forever have the x in his life. She will always be there. What if she dumps him, he goes back to you, and then decides she wants him back, and will he go again?

I guess, since you're allowing your heart to lead you, all you can do is hope for the best.

So, with that, good luck. because you have made your choice. and you seem okay with it.

My two cents......since you've accepted that he will treat you like the OW, until he gets it out of his system with the x, or until they finally hook up officialy, don't ask questions. Don't think. Don't wonder what he's thinking. until HE chooses you, there's nothing that you can do, and no, nothing will make sense.

good luck.

~pineapple_girl