So Unsure....PLease Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
So Unsure....PLease Help!
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Sun, 03-20-2005 - 12:49am

Hello Everyone! I am new to this board but I need your help. Let me give you the short version of my problem. I would appreciate any and all opinions. Thanks!

I am in a 10 month relationship with a very sweet guy. The only problem is I am not as attracted to him as he is to me. You would think after 10 monthes that I would feel more for this person. Furthermore, I feel obligated to stay in this relationhip. It is not like anyone is forcing me to stay with him but I am terribly afraid to break his heart again. Yes, I said again. I had went out with him a few years back and broke up with him after a few monthes because I did not feel strong about him. It is happening again. The sad part is he is an wonderful guy. He does anything in the world for me and practically worships the ground I walk on. My family loves him as well for they know how great he is to me. I am afraid that if I break up with him that I will be doing the wrong thing. I feel like I love him but I am not in love with him. Plus, I am not attracted to him. I think a little of it may be due to our height and his size. He is about 5 inches shorter than I am and is smaller built. I am not big in any way, I am just tall. This poses a problem because I want a man whom I can hold and feel safe in his arms. I felt safe in his arms once when he was standing on the curb and I was on the street. It made him slightly taller than me and it made me want to hold him for the moment. I know that height is not everything but you need to feel comfortable with him and want to hold him and be held. Him and I do not just lay back and watch a movie in each others arms. We sit there and hold hands. I do not feel natural around him like I did with my other boyfriends in the past. I know this is a huge problem and will eventually drive me away from him but I can't help but feel this way. I cannot force myself to feel a certain way about someone and I sometimes feel like I am forcing myself not to feel attracted to him. I am sooo confused. I don't want to make the wrong decision and break up with him but furthermore, I don't want to break his heart. I did it once before and I was told later that he was heart broken for some time. I care about him and don't want to cause him pain. Also, I am afraid that I will never find someone that feels so passionate about me like he does. I am sorry if I am rambling but I am writing this as my thoughts come to me. You know what is worse, I feel sad at the thoughts of breaking up with him. I think it is because I have been with him for so long and I cannot call him with every great thing that would happen if I broke up with him. I can't have it both ways though.

I recently met a guy at a local bar. He came over and started talking to me. I told him I had a boyfriend but he was very interested in having a conversation. I would never go out with him for he is not right for me. I could tell that but there way something about him. I could not take my eyes away from his. We were talking and it was if the whole world had froze and him and I were the only things in focus. I had only felt that way with one other person and that was my first true love. I was head over heels for him and I want to feel that again but I don't have that with my current bf. There are things that my current bf does that just plain annoy me. He asks me constant questions over and over again. I know it is because he cares but he can get on my nerves so quickely by how he over explains things. These are minor issues. I am young and have so much time to find someone but I have so many thoughts swirling in my head that I have myself confused.

Please Help!

Thanks, Kristen




Edited 3/20/2005 12:21 pm ET ET by kristen025

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:35pm
I think that if you really don't love him the way you're supposed to love somebody you've been dating for so long, you're not doing him any favors by staying with him simply out of pity. He deserves a woman who's staying with him because she WANTS to be with him, not somebody who's only with him because she feels sorry for him. And what are you going to do? Marry him and spend the rest of your life with him just so that you're never going to have to break his heart? At some point, you're going to have to break his heart. And the longer you wait, that just means the harder it'll be on him when it happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:46pm

BREAK IT OFF! Of you are having doubts about how much you care, and you see that you don't... don't wait any more. This guy is depending on you somewhat for your affection, and probably thinks you feel the same about him.

In high school, I dated this guy for a looong time. He was great - funny, cute, caring... I just didn't have "it" for him. I only liked him for about 3 months.... but I felt like he would be so hurt that I stayed with him for about 2 more years. Needless to say, I was a real bitch. We are friends now, he is married with a child. He still tells me that it hurt horribly when I lead him on for eternity. Your guy will probably appreciate it more if you tell him how you feel now, instead of much later. And jusat maybe, you will have a great friendship with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:11pm

Rosewater99, I may be taking this the wrong way but this is how I read into your opinion. I am taking it as if you think I am staying with him over pity only. No, that is not the case. I am with him because he is a wonderful guy whom treats me like a women should be treated. I simply mentioned that I am afraid to break his heart but that is only because I care about him and don't want to hurt him. I am very confused about my feelings towards him and am trying to sort these things out. I just wanted to clarify this..Thanks for replying!

Amisoup, Thank you for relating! It is great to talk to someone who has been there. I should end the relationship before it goes to far but did you worry about losing you ex at the time? I have been with him for so long and he is my longest relationship. He is soo wonderful to me and I could not ask for more from him. He would do anything for me. I know how many "buttholes" are out there and I will admit that I would miss my current bf if I broke up with him but I think him and I would make better friends. You have had experience with this and I am sure you can understand where I am coming from. I am not very experienced in long term relationships. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Kristen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:36pm
I was reading some of the other girls posts in other topics and it brought a thought to mind...What if I am keeping myself from loving him. It is possible but I want to make myself be with him but I cannot do that. The more I think about this more confused I get. My Mom noticed a few monthes back that I was not head over heels in love with him. She could see it in my eyes. My Mom knows me inside and out and she can read me like it is nothing. I don't know what it is with me...I think about breaking up with him or him breaking up with me and I fell somewhat heart broken. It would be much easier if everyone could give me the answers but I know that is not possible. I am afraid I will make a mistake with this relationship and if I do then I will move on with my life. I was rolling around the thought of "You don't know what you have until it's gone"...that would tell me alot if I had a breather. I have kept all of my thoughts and feelings inside. I have not shared this with my friends. Maybe I should sit down with Mom or someone close and sort things out. I appreciate everyone who is reading this but I am sorting my thoughts out here I suppose. Thanks, Kristen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 5:07pm

I apologize. I guess I didn't state what I was trying to saying in the best possible way. It just sounded like you were saying that at least one of your reasons for staying with him was so as not to hurt his feelings. I was just trying to point out why I didn't think you should take that reason into consideration.

As far as your feelings for him, every couple and every person is different. You are the only one who really knows what it is you are and aren't feeling for him, and you are the only ones who knows what it is you're looking for, so you're the only one who can decide if it's worth sticking it out or not. I know that the main concern I used to have about my relationship with my boyfriend was that our relationship didn't seem to be as intense and passionate as some of the other couples' relationships seemed to be. But I also know that the passion wasn't lacking altogether either, and there were other things in the relationship that I valued more than the passion. Plus, our feelings for one another always seemed to be pretty identical so that was never an issue. I'd tend to say that if his feelings for you are much more intense than your feelings for him, that's probably a warning sign. But, again, you know the situation better than anyone so it's up to you to determine what's best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 6:30pm

the ideal long-term relationship or marriage has a lot do to with cultural values. In american culture there is a LOT of emphasis on the physical aspect.

Other cultures, including cultures with arranged marriages, there are different values for judging the overall worth of the relationship.

Just physically it sounds like you are not compatible. You're not turned on by him. His height, his small hands... it just doesn't create the romantic and physical spark. You didn't have the spark before and you don't have it now.

For me (white middle class american girl) I couldn't accept that kind of relationship long-term because the physical is very important to me.

You wrote, "What if I am keeping myself from loving him. It is possible but I want to make myself be with him but I cannot do that."

The example with the height was pretty basic. When he was taller because he was standing on the curb, you were more comfortable. Your ideal man would be taller. You have a romantic preference regarding height and it seems like you want to be able to change your preference.

Men have preferences, too!! Some like petite brunettes, some like lanky blonde models, some like curvy red-heads... physical preferences are very common.

You wrote, "I don't know what it is with me...I think about breaking up with him or him breaking up with me and I fell somewhat heart broken."

Yes, you are hurting a friend so it's natural to feel somewhat broken hearted over that. Why would it be easy to break up?? It's going to be hard if that's what you decide.

You wrote, "I am afraid I will make a mistake with this relationship and if I do then I will move on with my life. I was rolling around the thought of "You don't know what you have until it's gone"...that would tell me alot if I had a breather."

But you already had a breather. This is the second time you both are together. To me, it sounds like many positive relationship elements are there such as emotional, spiritual, mental.... but physical is not. Considering that a relationship is your ONLY sexual physical outlet... it sounds like a bad choice in a long term relationship.

You haven't had luck changing your preference for physical qualities that you look for in a man. I don't know if that is possible and if that is the route you choose, then I strongly advise professional advice in this regard.

You wrote, "I have kept all of my thoughts and feelings inside. I have not shared this with my friends. Maybe I should sit down with Mom or someone close and sort things out."

I personally don't recommend that because your mother sees that he is NICE and wants this kind of man for her daughter. Maybe I am judging your mother too strongly, but older people have a tendency to downplay the physical part of a relationship (maybe because the physical is only a small component of a healthy marriage). They don't necessarily understand the dangers the way a therapist can understand the dangers of living in a relationship where you are not physically attracted to the other person. (Dangers being emotionally disconnected even to the point of cheating on the other person to get your physical needs met.)

Honestly, it depends on cultural values, too. If you are from a culture that does not value the physical connection in a marriage then that makes it easier to stay in the relationship because you have a strong system of cultural support to encourage you in this choice.

I recommend talking to your friends and a therapist about the physical component in a relationship. It sounds like you are close to your Mom, so if you talk to her ask some hard questions about cheating because a constant lack of attraction to the other person is often the foundation for an affair later in life. Like ask if she knows of any relationships where that happened to the couple.

You don't have to make any decision to break up or stay together until you have sorted through your emotions. Good luck!!

~atlantics~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:10am

You don't have to be with someone for a certain amount of time to know if you love them. Just beacuse you have been together for 10 months does not mean you have to be in love. But you should know by now if you WANT to be with him. Look at is this way: is he someone you could marry? I know dating is about experiencing new relationships and the world, but is there a chance you could be satisfied with only him? Don't get in any deeper if you can't.

I know you are worried about "losing him" after a break up. The thing is, if you know deep down there is nothing there as far as the physical, more than likely you aren't afraid of losing him, it's the relationship you will miss. The having someone there, the fact that you know you have someone to care about and who cares a great deal about you. You can find that anywhere, and I suggest you look to yourself. It's amazing how strong the individual person is, you just have to figure it out.

Yeah, you could be holding out for caring about him, but hey - this is round #2. When I was with my guy, I wanted to be with him about every two or three days. There were times when I really loved him, and times when I couldn't STAND him. Not really sure why I wasted his time... But a good friend said "think about it by yourself. The good should outweigh the bad." He was a great guy, and my family loved him. (He was also short.) No one could figure out why I was giving up this "great guy", but I knew he wasn't for me.

Since him, I have been with some real jerks, but I did get the experience. I just wish I hadn't dragged it out so long. I really hurt him, and looking back I was completely selfish. The poor guy was planning a future with me, and I was just leading him on.

If nothing else, you can at least tell him about your reluctance. That way he will at least know to take a few steps back.

Good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 4:53am
Not be harsh or cold but aren't you staying because it's comfortable and secure? and the alternative of the unknown and possibly being alone for a while is scary? There's too many things you admit bother you for this to work out - sounds as if you're 'settling' for something and that's not fair to either of you.


MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:38am

I haven't read all the posts, but here's my two cents.


JUST BECAUSE A MAN IS A GREAT MAN................DOES NOT MEAN HE'S THE MAN FOR YOU!!!


Therefore, you have my permission to walk away. Hurting him, is you staying with him and giving him hope. Ending it, is allowing him to find the woman for him. I truly believe, just cuz a guy is a great man, doesn't mean you have to take him. There will be other great men, and one of them will be more of what you want.....physically and emotionally.


Therefore, do the deed, let him go. Let him go to find the woman who'll love him, every aspect of him, as you cannot.....and it's okay that you can't.


Again, just cuz he's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the guy for you.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:54am

Hi, Kristen and welcome!


My two cents...and I haven't read all the other posts yet ~ I'm sure there are some mixed responses.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

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