Somebody help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Somebody help
6
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 12:18am
I guess I should start this by saying I do love him. I have no doubt about that, but I'm not sure that it's enough. We have been together off and on again for the past ten years. We have been through so much. A child, when we were teenagers,a secondpregnancy which ended in an abortion which I was forced by my mother to have at 24 weeks, a third pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage 5 years later and now I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I am doing private duty nursing, and despite what people think, the pay really sucks. His income comes from selling drugs. I Know right there that I should walk away and I'm not stupid, but ten years is a long time to throw away. He also smokes weed. He is never abusive to me, but can be very inconsiderate at times. He is happy about my pregnancy, but I don't know if I should stay with him. I know this child deserves a father and I guess I get what I deserve because I know who he is, but how do you walk away from so much history. We even made it through his sister, who was my best friend, and her son dieing in a horrible house fire. HE's been there when my dad died, and my grandmother. I have dated other people and for some reason we always end up back together. I feel like I should be giving myself a lecture saying wake up girl! He's no good for you. BUT, how do you walk away from the only person you've ever really been in love with. My whole family hates him and doesn't know we're back together, much less that I'm pregnant. I'm so confused. Please help. In case it matters I'm 24 and he's 26, so we're not exactly babies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 12:50am

You are babies making babies.. If you knew how he was and yet still got pregnant then you haven't matured much. You are going on emotions and that is what children do. Sorry if I seem harsh but you are making a huge mistake and have been for 10 yrs and haven't woke up yet. What keep you there, oh yea you love him. What do you love about him? He isn't a man he has a high risk of going to jail for selling drugs or possession if caught with what he smokes. If he does it in the home you could have your child taken away and you in jail also. This is not healthy and you know it. But, emotionally you think this is right. How about the effects of your child and then the second one you are carrying? What do you want out of life? You say the pay isn't great where you work is he going to get a job? He probably has never had a real one and says he can't get one. Oh, or I heard the "I can't find one" "No, one is hiring" or "I don't want no one telling me what to do" or "I am not working at a fast food restaurant" "Why should I break my back and not get paid while someone in office gets the money" oh I have so many.


I am not saying this to be mean. My sons father was that way. Wasn't when I met him. He didn't smoke and rarely drank. First he lost his job, then started smoking, never kept a job, but I loved him. I tried to make it work for my child sake. But, I waited to long and did more damage then good. My son was 3 yrs old when I left and he remembers. Some of the habits I had to break out of my 3 yr old. Sometimes at 7 he reverts back to the same habits I allowed him to be exposed to because "I loved him". Think of this, what is better to give your child the right upbringing or staying so they can have a guy around? What kind of role model do you want for your children?


Would you want your daughter with a man like him or your son to be a man like him? Those are main questions I asked myself. If it is no then no reason to have him in your children's lives,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 12:33pm
I have thought about all of this and left him for these very reasons many times. We don't live together, so I know my son is safe. I will not even let my son spend time with him in his apartment. He has worked before and actually told me the other day that he needs to get a job. I know I need to leave him. It's just so hard. He didn't always smoke weed. I often ask myself as well why do I love him and I think about how it feels when he puts his arms around me. I feel so safe, so loved. Then I think about how much we've been through and that's what makes it so hard to walk away this time. I have actually even thought about moving to another country to keep him away from the children if he doesn't grow up. My family is from an island, so it would be easy to go home. It's such a big step to take. I have dreams and would like to achieve them some day, but in my heart I don't think he will change. I think that in 5 years he's going to be in the same spot or a worse one. I'm so confused. Maybe that's not the right word. I know what I need to do,but I'm torn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 1:16pm
Hello and I've just tried to post to you, but don't know what happened. Basically, I was in total agreement with Marie - if I remember correctly. She's BTDT, please listen to her. You have child to consider. Please make her/him your focus. You are fortunate in that you have family, whom I'm sure if you needed help they would do it for them if not for you. Not meaning to be harsh, but you do have options, be thankful. If you plan to leave him, no doubt it's gonna be hard. Please put your child/children first. He may or maynot come around to your view. I want to say a whole lot more, but I won't. But please believe me you'll be in my prayers. God Bless you and take care of you and yours.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 8:39am

Where will you and your children be when Mr. Wonderful gets locked up for drug dealing? This is NOT a father, sweetie. He is irresponsible and could end up getting you into serious trouble. You don't see why your family hates him?

Why can't he get a real job like normal men do? If he's as wonderful as you say he is he would stop dealing and drugs and grow up and make a life for you and the children. It's time you grow a spine and make him realize what's he's doing is not going to happen anymore. Give him an ultimatum - the drugs or you. If he chooses the drugs then he doesn't care very much about you, does he?

If you care anything about your children at all you'll get this man out of your life unless he can straighten out. He may be a nice guy but he's not worth the trouble that could ultimately result from his illegal activities.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:28pm
First I want to say thank you for all you have said. I see these things and I know he is no role model. I keep telling myself tomorrow I'll end it, but tomorrow never comes. I keep putting it off. It helps to have an outside opinion. My family is not the greatest so I don't hold a match stick to what they say. They really don't like anyone. I do love this guy, but not enough to throw away my future. I have been noticing this more and more lately. The past six months have been so rough that I guess I just didn't want to deal with being alone. I know I have to end it. Pray for me to have the strength to walk away before it's too late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:30am

Well, for whatever it's worth here's an observation for you...

You aren't "confused" and you aren't "torn". You've said it in EVERY post you've made, you know what you need to do. What you really are is SCARED, and understandably so.

IMO, the best thing for you to do is accept that fear, don't try to gloss over it recognize it, understand it. Understand it is perfectly NORMAL for you to be afraid. Afraid of being on your own, afraid of being alone, afraid of never finding love, afraid of trying to support your children on your own (which by the way it sounds like you're already doing), afraid of moving back with your family, afraid of learning of to make it under your own power, afraid of taking control of your life because taking control also means taking responsibility and not being able to hide behind being "confused" or "torn" or "in love" anymore.

There isn't a woman here who will judge you for being afraid or who can't relate to that fear. I think every single one of us knows those fears.

Learn to understand that fear and then educate yourself and learn to confront and deal with those fears. Figure out a plan for yourself. Figure out you can take back control and make it on your own. Maybe you'll need to move back with your family for a little while, but before you do figure out how you'll move out to and start to make those dreams you have happen.

The best way to handle fear of the unknown to accept that, while you can't control everything, you can start making positive steps and making positive changes you can have a plan. Having a plan, and maybe even a contigency plan or two, makes you feel a little better prepared for the unknown and that makes it a little less scary.

But first you have to admit your afraid. You have to know your fear and undersatnd your fear. Fear is your enemy and you must know your enemy if you're going to defeat it.