Someone is after my boyfriend
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Someone is after my boyfriend
| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:53am |
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 4months now. We were friends for almost 1 and a half years before we went into a relationship. Recently, I was going through his emails (yes, i invaded his privacy but he did give me the password to his account himself) and i realised that an online friend of his sent him an email telling him that she missed him and wanted to talk to him. She also said that they had not spoken for over a month and she wanted to talk to him even though she knew that she would hear things that she did not want to hear. I cant help but feel that he has been hiding things from me and I want to confront him about it. He tells me that he is in love with me and sees a future for us. He also believes that we need to be trusting in our relationship.
I need help asap!
I need help asap!

satin roses...
Pianoguy doesn't want to pick on you, but the words: "YES I INVADED HIS PRIVACY" seem to cancel out any trust your b/f might have had when he gave you his password in the first place? (ivillagers are certainly welcome to disagree).
Just because a former g/f indicates that SHE MISSES A MAN doesn't necessarily mean that his feelings are mutual? You're obviously under the assumption that your b/f STILL LIKES HER???
I guess if you want to risk the dissolution of your 4-month relationship and a future together...then bring the subject up! But never lose sight of the fact that "trust is a 2-way street!"
Then reread my response in the first paragraph.
Pianoguy
Satin,
Why did your BF give you his email password? Does he have access to yours? Do you guys have an agreement that you can read others emails, etc? If so, that's not an invasion of privacy.
BUT ... I DO think that certain things should remain private. Every relationship needs a sanctity of privacy. That said, I DO NOT see the point, in a trusting relationship, to have access to each other's email, voice mail, etc. This seems to be an ongoing topic here on iV ... the "snooping" issue ... I don't quite "get it" but I digress.
Anyway, it could be that this "online friend" of his doesn't know that he's in a relationship. Did you see a response back to her?
Advice: Tell him that you went into his account and that you won't do it again. Apologize. Ask him to change his password. You have to take responsiblity for your actions. Focusing on what is behind this particular email isn't YOUR problem. And, hopefully, in doing so, he'll "own up" to whatever or whoever she is. Without trust, there's no foundation for a relationship to grow.
Based just on your post I would say there is no reason to feel threatened by his friend. Having said that, it's perfectly normal to feel that way even though there is no LOGICAL reason to.
We all feel insecure about ourselves and/or our relationsip on occassion but if we trust our SO and ourselves we owe it to ourselves and our SO to remind ourselves that our feelings aren't logical and of all the reasons we have to trust and have faith in our SO.
Also, let me share with you something I learned about trust. You ultimately have to CHOOSE to trust someone. Trust, like love, is a leap of faith. Yes, you should observe a persons behavior, their deads and their words, before you decide to take that leap. But ultimately it's something you just make the decision to do and part of that decision involves respecting their privacy and not testing them.
A person can't really "prove" they are trustworthy or "prove" they love you. There is no magic formula, there is not trust test that can be passed or failed that means a person is unequivicably trustworthy or lovable. You have to believe. You have to be prepared to make the leap.
If you snoop to test his trustworthiness you'll only ever prove he isn't and you may just be making something out of nothing and wind up alone blaming him when it's you're own fault for looking for trouble where there wasn't any.
Believe me I ALMOST did the very same thing. I learned the hard way that it just doesn't pay to snoop. You have to learn to trust yourself and your judgement. You have to trust yourself enough to take the leap.
I think you need to admit to snooping and apologize for it. I wouldn't so much "confront" him about it as just ASK him what the deal is. Frankly it sounds like you have nothing to worry about...that she may be interested in him but he's not interested in her and hasn't been in touch with her.
Sheri
I didn't mean she should sweep it under the rug because of HOW she found. Rather she should ignore it because of WHAT she found out, which based on the OP is basically no big deal. Her post gives no indication that he responded to this girl's email. The email was the girl expressing herself. There's nothing wrong with that or him not immediately deleting it. If it was anything he should feel guilty about he probably WOULD have deleted it.
So, yes, given that there is absolutely nothing incriminating about it the particular email she mentioned; yes, she should "sweep it under the rug" and stop poking her nose under the rug in the first place looking for trouble. There's absolutely nothing in the OP that indicates the guy has done anything even REMOTELY wrong. All it indicates is that she has a lot of fear and insecurity about the relationship and went snooping out of that fear and insecurity. And after snooping the fear and insecurity found a tasty tidbit to gnaw on and feed her trust issues. The thing is the evidence in the post doesn't support the paranoia or that someone is in fact after her boyfriend, let alone support that her boyfriend has any interest whatsoever in whoever she thinks might be after him.
I've had a great deal of experience with feeding the distrust monster and managed to get him on a restricted diet. Based on that experience I've found giving in to paranoid thoughts based on insecurity and fear, rather then real evidence, just feeds the monster. Which is exactly what snooping does; it feeds the monster. So YES, absolutely, unequivicably, unless there's evidence of real wrong-doing on the bf's part any evidence found while snooping because of fear and insecurity should be swept under the rug.
The issue of distrust and the fear and insecurity needs to be addressed, but the "evidence" doesn't need to be. There is no substantive evidence he did anything wrong so why discuss it? It would be good for the OP to admit to the snooping and have an honest talk about the real issue, but the email itself isn't the real issue, why she doesn't trust her bf is.
I hope you've considered that this girl knows about you and that is the thing "she knows she's going to hear but doesn't want to". Fess up to the snooping, promise you'll never do it again, apologize and then never do it again. You have someone asking you to trust them and you have to decide to do it- you don't have a valid reason not to.
And, I beg you, do not listen to the posts telling you to "say you had a reason to read the email". A mistake should never be defended by making up another lie. Don't get yourself further into the hole. Rather, be honest and get respect. And most important, you'll be able to repsect yourself and your choices.
My DH and I also know each other's email passwords, but we'd never actually use the passwords in order to read the mail. Sometimes I might phone him and ask him to check my mail if I can't access a PC....or I'll use his if mine is down. But it would be unacceptable just to go in and read what's there.
Because this girl said that she would probably hear stuff that she didn't want to hear...and that it's been a month... I'm betting that she's simply after closure.
She's worried about trust here - and you suggest she makes up some lie about "sending him something - getting error readings - making sure she wasn't sending dupes.." If she's going to say anything - she needs to be upfront -
Why were you checking his e-mails? Just curious? How do you know this girl is an "on-line" friend? She doesn't have any other contact? Did you already know about her before the e-mail? If so, is that why you read it?
IMO you should just let it go - but if you do confront him - don't make up some crazy story (as suggested earlier) your just asking to breach the confidence of trust....again -
BT's