Someone Being All You Need

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2007
Someone Being All You Need
10
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 11:48am

I was talking to my mom the other day about

~*The One and Only *Kiya*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 12:13pm

I do believe that you should seek one person who meets all of your specific "needs" in a romantic partner. If what you really want is a best friend, find a man with great companionship. If you're looking for someone to fulfill you sexually, that should be in your list of requirements. I think there are some traits that a person can like but not need in one person, that's what friends are for! All of my "romantic needs" (good companionship, humor, respect, ability to listen, integrity, and desire for physical affection) are met by one person. If you are lacking something with someone that you absolutely need to be happy, then you should move on without trying to change him. That's just how I feel but it's also based on the fact that I have someone who doesn't make me feel like my needs aren't being met.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 4:47pm

I think our relationship needs are deal breakers, and relationship wants are some things that are important, but not deal breakers. It is possible for a person to be all you need with out being everything you want.


I also think far too many women settle for a guy who doesn't meet their needs because they confuse their needs with their wants and think it's not a deal breaker when really it is. If more women settled on their wants and stood firm to their needs, there'd be less divorce and more happily-ever-after.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 8:06am

I was married for far too long for someone who didn't fulfill my needs. It was awful. He was LOUSY in bed, but made it seem like it was my fault (he has certain fetishes that I didn't know about until after we were married). He was an ok friend, but a bad partner. He worked hard, when he wasn't quitting his jobs.

I guess what I am saying is hold out for ALL that you want. You will be much happier in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 10:45am

That's a really good question. Ya know I've see a lot of girls put up with way too much and accept situations that they could realistically get out of. I've been there myself, and put up with a long relationship for 4 years. In the beginning it was ok, but after a while things went on different tracks and I was the one that grew up because I wanted more, and knew I was never gonna get a thing by sticking around. Mainly because I was miserable.

I think the big thing is that whether it be the right or wrong person, everyone is gonna have flaws. But when it's with the right one, those flaws are so small that it doesn't matter because everything else that you have with that person supersedes it. You should never ever have to ask, or tell someone that they need to do something in order for you to continue in the RL. The other person should be getting off of their own butt to better themselves, whatever that may be.

Another piece has to do with you and what you accept and tolerate..good and bad. Like for example if you are with someone and they don't have a career and job, and they are living off of others, but they tell you they are gonna change, and you wait...and wait.. and nothing happens.

One thing that I have found that's so true is this. When it's the right person, you both have your stuff together and are on the same path. For example, you have careers, can support yourself, and want to get married and have kids. When it's the right one, there will be days and times when things aren't 100% and sometimes that's ok. It's sad that some people just accept and put up with situations, or are forced into it. I think it's definitely better to wait, instead of settling.

One last thing is when it's the right one, things will fall into place, and he will be the one that you weren't expecting, but will be something that is way better than you imagined. Like when you know your in love and you have that feeling, when it's the right one, you don't 2nd guess yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 12:34pm

Not getting what you need out of your partner is basically settling. Settling destroys souls, IMHO. I've always known that all I've ever wanted from my partner was essentially

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 10:01pm

"If we do meet the person meant for us, can they not possess everything we need, security, good sex (which I feel is needed), loyalty, good communication, a strong bond and a drive to move forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 10:04pm

Hello vanityaffaire,


Good topic you got going here.


I just wonder if people are really getting all they need out of the person they are with or do we just accept and are grateful for what we do get.


I think it depends, I know girl friends who are not into the dating scene and tend to jump from one long term relationship to another and imo, I feel like they're just settling for whoever comes along first because they are so in love with the idea of being in a relationship, they think they have all that they

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2007
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 7:16pm
Thank you for all your responses.
I definitely think needs are what is important in a relationship and my situation is that I've been in a relationship for 4 years now and we've been going through a rough time for the last 2. I'll go into the good before I list the bad because these are things that he does possess that I do feel I need, he's a good friend (we started off as best friends), always willing to listen, we have a similar sense of humor and can laugh for hours and he's very willing to please when it comes to sexually and physically (he loves to give massages which is all good to me, lol) and those things I do enjoy.
But I feel we've grown very different over time and our values have changed. I'm 21 and he's 24. I'm the type that has my goals, I'm going back to school, eventually I want to get my own place, etc. He lost his job, is content with chilling at home all day (he lives with his parents also) indulging in hobbies, hanging with friends and seems to have no direction or goals. He stated he doesn't place value in having a nice home reflect his success or whatever or getting married and having it just being about "us", but having his outside life and friends as well (I'm not as social), like I'm going to trap him. I don't want some rich guy driving a bmw. I want someone with a drive to want things out of life, to want to accomplish things to better his own life and the life he'll have in the future. I need that because I'm like that and that won't change with him. I feel he isn't growing or maturing and probably won't until he's 35, still living with his mom and wondering what happened to his youth and I ain't sticking around for that. After 4 years, I want things...and it just made me wonder, I can find a guy with drive and ambition, but will he be lacking those other things I need. Can't you find it all in just one person?

~*The One and Only *Kiya*~


~*The One and Only *Kiya*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 6:51pm
You can find all you need in one person. At 21 and even at his 24, you are both still going to change a lot and having been your ages not too long ago, I can't advise anyone who has been having rough times for the past 2 years and growing apart to stay together. You're never again going to be who you were. Too much of a difference in values is a HUGE incompatibility between people and it is unresolvable.
If he isn't who you want and need now, it would be a huge mistake to stay with him expecting him to magically become that man. Your chances for happiness are far better with someone else who has demonstrated maturity and ambition in his life already. I think you're waiting for a frog to grow into a prince when he's really just content to be a frog.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 3:26pm

Someone being all we need begins with you! Like anything in life, if you want something, you need to be specific about what it is you want. We all want to be happy and we all want the man of our dreams but if you arent specific or you know what it is you don't want then you aren't going to get it.


Try what I