Sooo confused-can ANYONE help me?-LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sooo confused-can ANYONE help me?-LOL
9
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:37am

Hello everyone, I have posted here before and got quite a bit of advice, and let me say you were all right!! So I thought I would give it a try again, cause I have no clue what to think or what to do, please help me!! I am just pulling my hair out over this one!!

*The history--My ex of 10 years and I split up last October. I had heard through one of my friends at work that one of her friends(a regular customer) liked me. I was at the time flattered that he would like me like that, so of course I told her that I would REALLY like to get to know him better. I was on the phone with her and he came into the store where I worked while she was there, she told him and he was soooooo excited and got on the phone and gave me his phone number etc. then he got in his car and drove around until he found my house,however it was late so he never came in because he knew my kids would be sleeping and he did not want to wake them. Well we began talkin on the phone daily etc. etc. and I truely began to fall for him. But it never went beyond talking. I was sick of being in limbo and for my own sanity I told him one day EXACTLY how I felt. He said that he was scared to be in a relationship right now (he found his ex-fiancee of 3 years in bed with another man)And that he wanted to be just friends and then added "for now" ok I can deal with that no prob. so I told him that we needed to calm down a little bit and quit talking three or four times a day--every day because the more I was around him and talking to him the more in love I fell for him. I told him that if we were going to be friends then we needed to act like "just friends" So we calmed down and agreed that friends is what we wanted right now and we called each-other from time to time espicially when one or the other of us needed a shoulder to cry on, I can talk to him about anything.

*the present-fast forward to about 6 months later around 3 weeks ago,A mutual friend of ours informed him of just how "in-love" I am with him(he never knew before-he knew I was developing feelings but that was all he knew)I told him how much I missed him and talking to him all of the time when we decided to be "just friends". he has since bought a house and called me up because he wanted to see me, so I decided to go over to his house(who he shares with 3 room mates) I was suppose to go there for a game of poker with him and a few of our other friends, but I was running late (as usual-lol)and stopped by the gas station when he called me. He told me that they were all done playing poker. I told him that I would just go back home then because it was late and I knew he had to get up early to catch a flight for a week-end trip.But he told me that he still wanted me to come over and that he just wanted to talk to me. So I went over--we talked for 4 hours that night alone in his bedroom.Not about anything particular just whatever happened to come to mind. I sat on the edge of his bed while he was covered up and every time I said it was getting late he told me that he was not tired and gave me the complete impression that he did not want me to leave. I eventually went home and he went on his trip. Ok now fast forward to this past weekend he came to my place of work to see me and told me that after I got out of work he wanted me to come to his house for a party, and also that he was having another one the next day for a friends birthday(keep in mind this is the FIRST time he has ever invited me to a party at his house)So I closed the store I work at stopped by the other gas station for a case of beer and went to his house. I spent the whole time right by him, and the next night I went to his house as well but this time the party had more people, when I got there he was sitting in his car trying to get the radio station to come in and when I got there he got out and immediately came over to me and said hello and asked how work went etc. But then because of the numerous amount of people he also was mingling with the others which I do understand. The end of the night came and I went home, to find him the next day at my place of work, We were joking about an incident that had happened to me as I was leaving the previous night. I work at a restaurant and knew EXACTLY what he wanted(his order is not hard) but now his whole body language is different from when we decided to be just friends. I catch him staring at me, and when our eyes meet he smiles at me, and he touches my hand every chance he gets. And the other night at the bon-fire a friend of his had mentioned something about him liking me.

*The dilema- I just do not know where to go from here. I do not want to say something and look like a dork by having him reject me like that again. He is rather shy and I know for a fact that I will have to make the first move. But I made it once and was rejected by him because of his fear of relationships. He still hurts from being cheated on and is soooo scared of it happening again. He makes it a point to say little things that might indicate to me that he is coming to a place in his life to where he is ready to move on. But I am just not sure, I am just soooooo confused about what to do next if anything. Some people tell me that he may still be in the process of getting over his ex, he tells me he would NEVER take her back, but she keeps e-mailing him and has gotten into his e-mail account and read some of the things I have sent him! And then deleted them, So he opened a different account and gave me the address so she could not get into it(the old one was from when they were together so she had his passwords etc.) And other people think he is ready to move on with his life, after all the ex-girlfriend is married, she married the guy he found her in bed with a week after they were caught.Could he finally be ready to move on after 6 months of us getting to know each-other? I am sorry this is so long but I am in desperate need of advice here. and like I said the advice I had gotten before was right so I am hoping SOMEONE can help me,what would all of you do in this situation?

Thanks for taking the time to read this long drawn out story, I truely appreciate it,
Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:46am
Hi, Betty...Do yourself a favor. Buy the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and read it...cover to cover. It's not a big book, should only take you a couple of hours. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 1:41pm

My advice. DO NOT read into his actions. He said he wasn't ready, until HE states that he IS ready, don't approach the subject, however, I would also remind him of the "just friends" boundaries that were drawn.

I have been cheated on, abused, mentally and physically, and yet, I still love and I still have r'ships. It's an excuse. If anything, he's not over HER, not what she did. And well, until he's ready to let go, I wouldn't get involved with him.

Hugs. I know you care for him a lot, but in reality, he's not ready. And until he tells you he's ready, I wouldn't allow him to touch you in an intimate way, nor cross those friend boundaries.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:39pm

I thank all of you for your advice because I REALLY need all I can get--lol. I am 28 years old and have not been the dating scene since I was 16. And well, let me tell ya, things are WAAAAYYYY different as an adult! things are too much more confusing and harder to read the male species--lol I think I am going to have to check into that book!!I have gone to numerous sites on body language etc. looking for what I should do to no avail of course. Maybe it is time to hit the bookstore.

Pineapple girl I think kinda what you are saying- I think that he still needs time to get over his ex, because the last thing I want to be is the "fall-back" I am just sooooo sick of all of the mixed signals. I also want to add that he and I were just talking when I was in his bedroom that night. He has always been a complete gentleman, the other night at the first bon-fire I passed out in his bed and he just covered me up and slept on the couch. He knows that at 28 I have only been with one man intimately and that I do not sleep with someone unless I have deep personal feelings for that person,and have told him that I will only sleep with someone whom I have an established relationship with.

My take on all of this is to stay back where I am, be his friend but do NOT hang on to hopes for a future with him. You know, the whatever happens is what happens thing, but I have enough respect for myself to not sleep around or anything like that and like I said he knows that and respects it.

Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:50pm

Hugs. It sounds like you're trying the best you can. I would also suggest you not put yourself in "intimate" situations with him.

i.e. talking for four hours with him while in his bedroom. You could've went on his couch and done that.

Things like that. I only say that because HE may minsconstrew them, and then act on them (not saying he'll rape/jump you, I'm saying he may take them wrong, thinking you want more, then he'll act like that, and well, as you can see, things get confusing).

Hugs. good luck. I know it's not easy. My two cents, distance yourself. But remain a "friend". With "friend" boundaries.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:21am

Well, I do not think there was a way to misconstrew things *smile* here's why, because he lives with 4 room mates, there was no privacy anywhere else. His room sits right on the side of the livingroom, and we had the door open the whole time. I could see three of the four room mates sitting right on the couch watching t.v. there was not enough privacy to have done anything I promise. And if he would have suggesting shutting the door I would have felt uncomfortable and would not have allowed it I promise. We just could not hear each-other with all of the commotion is all.

Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 8:14am

Hey, I know this may not be the kind of advice you were looking for, but maybe just give it some thought...

You may not want to allow yourself to be emotionally involved right now. It hasn't been that long since you ended a relationship and if I recall correctly it was an abusive situation. Give yourself a little more time to sort through things. Read some self help books and focus on getting you and your family back on track before leaping head long back into the dating world.

I don't know if this is an option for you. Not everyone can do this, but if you can separate your sexual needs from your emotional ones. Find ways to meet your emotional needs on your one. Be it through self-help, therapy, a meditative practice, a religious or spiritual practice, your family, your friends... I recommend all of the above. But focus on becoming whole unto yourself. And meet your sexual needs through a friends with benefits arrangement or masterbation, but try not to become emotional entangled.

Jumping right back into the fray after so little time is ALMOST guarenteed to lead to porr choices based on your sexual and emotional needs that haven't bene fulfilled in quite some time.

It's only natural for you to want that emotional connection and intimacy. In reality it was missing form your previous relatinship alomost completely so your kind of starving for it. But just like a starving perosn doesn't make wise choices about what to eat he just grabs whatever is available. A person straved for emotional contact and fulfillment probably wot make smrt choices either.

So my advice, don't worry so much about this guy, in fact it may actually be best to cut off contact all together if you can't pull your emotions out of the situation, focus on healing and meeting your own emotional needs and finding fulfillment wihin yourself instead of going out looking for it in someone else. Learn to be happy WITHOUT a man in your life.

Then, and only then, will you really be able to make a smart choice, a wise choice, in finding a partner who ENHANCES your life and can add to the happiness you've already found within yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 5:16am

Nick,
Whoa,I think you are thinking of the wrong person hun.In my previous relationship I was with him for 10 years, I got with him when I was 16 almost 17. I thought I knew what love was but I have realized that good ole dad was right and at that age I really honestly did not know what love was. Six months after I had gotten with my ex we were preggo and then we moved in together and were pregnant again a couple of years later. Pretty soon we had all of these responsibilities and we honestly never even got a chance to know each-other. So basically we grew apart in 10 years time, I was never abused by him. he would have never even thought of it. My ex in all honesty is a great guy but we just became soo disconnected in that time we just were both unhappy as far as a fullfilling relationship goes. By the time the end came we were more like best friends than a boyfriend girlfriend relationship.

We had both done a lot of soul-searching in the last couple of years we were together, by the time it came to have "the talk" we were sleeping in separate rooms and rarely talked. He is a great father and I would NEVER say a bad thing about him. I know what I want and I think that it might be a tall order but I figure if the next person I get involved with can't accept it then they are not into me in the first place. The first thing that I tell someone is that I have 2 children and they will always come first and the second thing I tell them is that my children's daddy is NO dead-beat and is very involved in their lives, if they cannot accept that then like I said they were not that into me in the first place. I would never be with anyone who would become angry because my ex wants to be actively involved with OUR children.

As far as separating physical and emotional, I am way too old to be looking for just a physical attraction. I am 28 and can safely say that I have only been with one man in my entire life. I am proud of that fact. it has been almost 10 months since I have last had intercourse and I have no desire for it at the moment, I think that sex is something that is shared with 2 people who care deeply for each-other. Therefore I would not sleep with this new man right away anyway, unless I knew he loved me the same way. I have very good control of my senses and I know when the time is right. My ex and I slept together for 4 months before I went all of the way with him. I wanted to make sure he wasn't just "after a piece" for lack of a better term. And I put the poor guy through hell just making sure he was into me and not what I could do for him physically. The part I am not proud of is I became a tease, I would only go so far and then tell him that I was not ready but still he waited for me. It is kind of a dangerous thing to do I know cause some guys who are only after that may tend to get forceful, and that is the part I have to change. Because now that I have children I cannot risk something happening to me because I led some guy on and he didn't like it. So now a days slow and steady wins the race I guess.

The most important thing to me is my children, like I said they come first and foremost and any decision DOES directly affect them eventually. I have not ruled out any other men and put my heart only into this one guy by any means. In all honesty I have very high expectations, I need someone who knows and accepts the fact that I have 2 children, knows their daddy is still a big part of their lives, is open to the fact this is a package deal and will have no regrets later. I am not going to rush into anything serious but it all has to start somewhere. So whomever I do start dating they will not even meet my kids for a year or 2 down the road, when I know it is serious, I would hate for my kids to get into someone I am dating and then have us break-up or something. They have been through far too much in the past year for me to do that to them.I know EXACTLY what I am looking for I am just having a hard time reading a man's body language now a days--LOL I never really dated anyone besides my ex and have no idea what the signs of someone being interested are, and that is what I need all of your help with *wink* I promise I have the rest under control.

Thank-you so much for all of your input, and Nick I love reading your responses! I like the way you tell it like you see it, I gravitate towards ppl like that, I like ppl who tell it like it is and does not sugar-coat things. After-all honesty IS the best policy! Thanks again *smile*

Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:38am

Well, I'm glad I was wrong about the abusive relationship, there are too many of us that fall into that trap at one point or another. :)

The rest of the stuff is still pretty valid though. It's alwyas best to focus your life around you and your actions around your thoughts and your feelings rather then trying to "figure out" what others are thinking. The best wya to do that is to get to know yourself and since we all change all the time it helps to stay in touch with yorself all the time.

A lot of folks seem to see putting the focus of your life on yourself and your happiness is selfish. It really isn't. When you're happy the people in your life are happier. You ahve more ot offer and more to give them because you've taken care of you first. It sounds like you're doing just that in almost every part of your life which is awesome.

Do the same thing with this guy. When a guy is ready and willing to entertain a realtionship you wont miss it, if your not sure it's probably because he's not ready or he's not intersted.

The book "He's Just Not That Into You" basically comes down to this, if you're afraid he's not interested 95% of the time it's because he's not. And you know what don't worry about the 5% that's not true, becasue those guys you have to work too hard for it.

There are plenty of guys out there that make it easy for you, find one of those. So don't worry about a bunch of silly "rules", just do what feels right and use all that hard won good judgement and let your instincts and your heart do the rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 6:12am

Hello everyone!
I just had a revelation!I think I am just gonna sit back,have fun,enjoy my children, and whatever happens is what happens. I have been reading through the posts and I have found a few words of wisdom *smile* quit looking and sooner or later he(whoever it may be) will find me! I have decided it is just too hard to go looking and wwwaaayyyy to nerve wracking! I have been going to a few AHEM "social gatherings" OK parties--LOL and have discovered that there are all sorts of people out there. I have also discovered what you all mean by whan men are interested you can't miss it! However I am EXTREMELY selective so I am sure it will take quite some time. But that is alright cause I am doing just fine without a man right now, Thanks for all of the input, it sure helps.
{{hugs}}

Betty