spice.man please READ!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
spice.man please READ!!
2
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:02pm

Spice.man,

I read your response to Phin78 in her post about the "relationship talk" about how guys won't make a serious commitment without really knowing someone. I wanted to ask your opinion on my situation. I've been dating this guy for right at a year now. For all practical purposes, we are a couple, bf/gf. We talk multiple times a day, use terms of endearment for each other, say we miss each other when we're away, are together several times a week, are intimate, i have met and get along with his buddies, we spent valentine's day together, met each other's parents, etc. The list goes on... we've even toyed around with the "L" word. I've actually never been in a relationship that seems to have so much commitment. I say seems to because we recently had a discussion in which he revealed that we are not in a serious, bf/gf relationship. He said that the title signifies to him a serious relationship, which he can' handle right now. I should say that he has been battling a serious, non-fatal disease for years now and had to drop out of college this semester and is fixing to have surgery again. We've already discussed plans for me to drive 4 hours to come see him in the hospital. So I know he's got a lot on his plate right now. He also says that I am the only one he's seeing and he's not looking for anyone else. BUT he also says exclusivity to him means a serious relationship, which again, he can't handle right now. I believe him, but part of me wonders if it's just an easy out if he suddenly meets someone else, even though he's not out there looking. But then I think, even if we were bf/gf, he could still meet someone he decides he likes better and break up with me, so what difference would the title make? People break up all the time over someone else coming into the picture, the title doesn't protect you against that.

Also, he was in a real serious relationship about 2 years ago in which she ended it right before he was planning to propose. Because of that, he's very protective of himself, not wanting to get hurt again. So I think that has something to do with it too. I kinda think he won't say he's in a "serious" relationship again until waaaayyy down the line, like once marriage comes up, then it's serious.

Not really sure what my question is, but do you think this all sounds legit? Like I said, he acts like we're serious, like this is going somewhere. So I guess all that's really missing is the title. I guess I'm just confused as to how he can do everything that a serious bf would, but can't say the words. Your insight as a man would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:37pm

I have a few different comments and a question for you.

Question - If you were to receive a relationship label today, how would that change your wants, needs, expectations and requirements of your relationship?

It does sound as though he takes the concept of a serious relationship personally and seriously. He understands that a serious relationship brings more responsibility and accountability to the table. If he is a man of honor, then he believes that his word is his bond and he understands that this increase in responsibility and accountability is greater than he has the capacity to deal with right now.

There is a concept that many women pay little attention to when it comes to serious relationships. For men, life goals and priorities are significant elements in life that need to coexist with a serious relationship. Right now his primary life goal and priority is to manage his health to the point where he can be a positive contributor to life and society. That basic thing is often core to who and what we are as men. Think of it like this:

Hundreds of years ago men were trailblazers in the new world. We were sent out to create new paths and to build new villages or homesteads in which all others could then join and share in the prosperity. Today, men aren't typically trailblazing in the new world, but the basic concept remains. Due to his health, he is not trailblazing at the level he expects of himself. Given that, other things in his life are not likely to feel as content or receive the attention to detail they should.

My recommendation to you would be to discuss his life goals and priorities and what a serious relationship means to him. That way you will gain knowledge and understanding of what he is going through. From there, just be there in the short term. Be supportive as he readies for surgery and then goes through recovery. Doing that will be very meaningful to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 6:52pm

If we were to set a label tomorrow, I don't think it would really change anything in our relationship. That's why I haven't really pushed to hard to get one. From time to time I guess I get a little insecure in the relationship, especially when it comes to trusting him with other girls, I guess I think the label would make me feel more secure, even though I know the label doesn't keep guys from cheating. He already treats me very well, and acts like he utterly adores me, so I guess a title wouldn't actually add anything.

I know his health has a lot to do with his relationship mindset. He's also really trying to get out of college, because it's already taken him 6 years (due to his illness), and he still has one more to go. He's told me in the past a timeline of when he'd be ready for a serious relationship, and it basically corresponds to when he gets out of school and gets a real job and settled.