Stable but others make me paranoid?
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:26am |
Hi Ladies,
I'm curious what some of you think about that gray area when people point things out to you about your relationship and then you are left questioning your relationship feeling maybe "am I blind in love"...do people have a point here? Well the background is this: I've been with my guy for almost 3 years now. We love each and definitely see a future together and ready for a next big step. We spend ample time apart as that is how our relationship started since he was in grad school. Even though he is done grad school we spend the same few days together and we're comfortable with it...it's more or less routine by now...it gives us our freedom and I truly think it makes us value and look forward to the time we do spend together. We rarely argue but when we do we work things out on the spot. I enjoy his family and he enjoys mine. He lives in a small apartment by himself that is busting at the seems from 5 years of stuff and starting a business and I'm temporarily staying with my parents since we are housing hunting for a multi-family with his single brother. I look at others crazy relationships and I feel grateful for what we have. I feel very stable and our goals and interests for the future mesh really well...this is my first serious long term relationship. We love each and tell it to each other...we aren't very public with affection and that's how I've always been. We complement each other very well with his business stuff as he is involving me in it as a partner and I do creative work for him. We have had the 'future' talk...but we want to have the house thing started and get stable with money before marriage...although we don't want a huge expensive wedding. He's quite an old fashioned guy in the sense that he wants to have the major things in his life somewhat stable and know he can provide before marriage (he doesn't mean that in the sense that he wants me to stay home)...he takes marriage very seriously and only wants to do it once (as he has seen his 3 other brothers relationships/marriages fail...mainly for jumping in too soon).
I get all this and it has taken some lengthy talks and tears to get to a point that we truly understand each others goals and interests for the future. Right now finding a house is tough with our financial limitations....houses a very expensive in our area..and he can't afford a single family (even with his down payment and my "rent" I'd only be able to contribute a couple hundred a month towards "rent" which will cover my share of utilities spliting groceries/misc stuff etc with him)...that's why he asked his brother to come on board cuz he's in an apartment as well..looking for more space...makes the same amount of money as my b/f (I make about $30k less than their salaries) and he his brother has no down payment so he's handing his brother a golden opportunity...that way they could seek out a duplex or double decker...most of which in our area are a 100 years old and need some sweat equity so they are cheaper than most single family homes. We decided we wouldn't combine finances until we get engaged...he thinks living together is a first serious step to our future...but agree we wouldn't combine money until we truly have a house of our own..I'm an emotional person with little patience...we both want a dog and yard and a real table to sit at already but he has patience and I think I let what others say get me thinking and antsy about this process.
I talk to co-workers openly about my house hunt and my parents see it cuz my mother is our agent...but people point things out to me that make it seem like 'how serious is he about me if he won't put me on the mortgage?' or 'why won't he just ditch his brother, cuz the house hunt is a waste of time and go into a condo with me?'..'where's the ring?'..another thing is that it is his hard earned money over the last 6 years that is the downpayment that will be getting us into a place. He and his brother will be on the mortgage or have separate ones...not sure on the exact details yet. I guess people might look at this differently if he already had a place and I just moved in but because I fully involve myself in the process...I don't have too if I don't want to but I like the 'hunt', I think people look at it as if I'm 2nd rate in this. Believe me...I have hashed out a lot of things with him over the house stuff and he understands how I feel that on the surface how our set up (with me paying him a 'rent' and not being on the mortgage) might come across...I also understand that I'm taking the emotional road on this 'ohhh our first place, a yard, a puppy and all that great stuff' and he's seeing it pretty much as a first financial investment...the plan is to fix it up and be out looking for our own real first home in 5-6 years and his brother can do the same. It's not like they aren't considering my commute or input or anything like that in looking for a place and they listen to everythign I comment on or point out when we view a house. We've worked it out (and his brother knows this) that we will give this search until the end of the summer and then it's condoville. I try to explain this to people but they still give me the "eye"....which makes me paranoid. Some people just don't seem to understand that this is total different day and age...house prices are outrageous, people change jobs on the fly, divorces are downright ugly...my b/f is trying to take the responsible, cover all his bases route to his first big financial investment but people around me seem to think since we've been together 3 years that we should be this or that by now or approaching things differently.

Well, as for what other people say ... all you can do is believe what you know to be true ... choose to listen to what they have to say (or not) ...but, you don't have to allow others' opinions to SWAY you or cause you to have doubts. If you're firm in your belief and knowledge of the matter at hand, what others say ... well, that's just their perception.
But, and please forgive me if I didn't follow your post correctly, because it was a little hard to read with the long paragraphs ... but, you said << He and his brother will be on the mortgage or have separate ones...not sure on the exact details yet.>> and << that's why he asked his brother to come on board cuz he's in an apartment as well..looking for more space...makes the same amount of money as my b/f (I make about $30k less than their salaries) and he his brother has no down payment so he's handing his brother a golden opportunity...that way they could seek out a duplex or double decker >>
To the first point, I'm in real estate ... and there's no such thing as seperate mortgages, even if it's a multi-family/duplex-type of place. It's one parcel with multiple units, that still makes it ONE dwelling, ONE mortgage.
So, your BF has the downpayment ... and what the brother is bringing to the table is his salary ... in other words, his ability to pay full-market rent on the other unit.
Thus, since the brother isn't bringing any $$$ into the transaction, rather he'll be helping pay for the mortgage by paying rent ... I'd surmise that he won't be on the mortgage ... but, since he's going in on it with him (ie, in terms of equity or profits they make from it down the line), the brother WILL be on the title. This, he can do ... without being on the loan initially ... though, he will be as responsible for the mortgage as your brother. Does that make sense?
Other scenario is that, he will be on the mortgage ...he just won't be putting any money down ... but, by combining their incomes and credit scores, they can qualify for more together than on their own. This is where the brother's value comes into play, even though he has no downpayment ... he has the salary ... so, with that, they can afford more.
For this reason, he's a more valuable choice than you ... from a business-only perspective ... because his brother makes more money than you do ... so, it increases their qualifications for affording more than just a condo. Ya with me so far?
So, if he were to add you to the title, you'd be part owner, as well ... which has additional tax ramifications ... by adding another person ... you get the tax write-off, too (without bringing any other than your couple hundred a month to it) ... which means they get less write off since they're sharing the ownership with you ... so, if he were to add you to the title ... it would be more for emotional reasons, just so that you're "included" ... but, from a business and profitability perspective ... it makes more sense for them to do it without it (sorry).
And, yes ... he would be giving his brother a golden oppt'y! But, if his bro is going to be paying half the mortgage (or whatever his fair share of the other part of the house/unit is) ... he will have earned his part by contributing to the "getting their foot in the door" factor ... increasing his ability to buy a bigger and potentially more profitable place ... as well as helping with the "sweat equity" that you referred to.
<< We decided we wouldn't combine finances until we get engaged...he thinks living together is a first serious step to our future...
>>
Yes, it is a serious first step. And, if you've agreed to not combine finances until you get engaged ... well, that would most certainly pertain to property ... as, if you were on the title to the home, that would be combining finances. A home is the biggest combined asset two people can have together.
So, when people << point things out to me that make it seem like 'how serious is he about me if he won't put me on the mortgage?' or 'why won't he just ditch his brother, cuz the house hunt is a waste of time and go into a condo with me?' >>
His not putting you on the title isn't an indication of his seriousness about you ... it just makes better business sense NOT to ... since you don't have the down payment or the income they have ... if he did put you on the title, it would be for emotional reasons only.
Seconly, he's not ditching his brother because, if what I'm surmissing is correct ... his brother's income is probably a) helping them afford more and b) going to signficantly help pay the mortgage.
Sorry, but all those people who are planting seeds of doubt in your mind are simply thinking emotionally ... not logically or from the persepctive of a business transaction.
Lastly, sure ... he could just buy a condo ... but, they'll probably make more money over the course of the next few years on a multi-family unit ... so again, it's looking at it from profitabilty perspective ... which, will ultimately benefit you, as well ... when the times comes and you guys are engaged and look for your place TOGETHER.
Hope that helps.
Hi Starbuck70,
Thanks so much for your time and reply to my jumbled post. I think I was set off a little this morning when my boss asked how my weekend was and I rambled on about driving by some really disappointing multi-families in a very lowly neighborhood. We've only been at this for three months but it's been a rollercoaster for sure and I told her I feel like I'm totally ready to look for a condo cuz our narrow market feels impossible. I told her that my b/f's brother has made some surprise moves on us that show that maybe he's not serious about this or doesn't have a clue about the market we're dealing with (but they recently had a sit down talk and dicussed every last thing in detail and his brother is on board and being realistic about it) she asked why I don't put my foot down about looking for condos and I said 'well its only fair that we remain committed to his brother with this search until the end of the summer as we have said since the beginning' and 'it's not my money' and after I said that she gave me the eye. She is easy to talk to and a motherly type (old enough to be my mother) who has been through a divorce years ago and a couple times she has sometimes slipped into various conversations about life that we have had that 'bitter divorcee...make men treat you like a queen from the beginning' type of advice...so I guess I'm somewhat opening the doors for her input by talking so freely about my personal life and maybe I should keep more to myself. Your breakdown makes me understand my b/f's stance on this even more clearly...I wish I could just hand your response to people and say 'here...do you get it now!" I try to explain to people but end up rambling cuz I get a bit of paranoia from their asking 'why is he doing it like that?' and then my answer doesn't come out strong and it looks like I don't know how to explain his reasoning. But I definitely feel a lot better about the situation after your response. Again...thanks so much!
<< I try to explain to people but end up rambling cuz I get a bit of paranoia from their asking 'why is he doing it like that?' and then my answer doesn't come out strong and it looks like I don't know how to explain his reasoning. But I definitely feel a lot better about the situation after your response. Again...thanks so much! >>
How 'bout this ... when people asked, instead of trying to explain (when, yes ... it is complicated) ... just say "we have our reasons" ... done. It'll stop 'em in their tracks. Because, really, it is NONE of their business ... and as long as you, your BF and BF's brother are on the same page ... what other people think, ask or perceive is really none of their concern, nor is it their job to understand your reasons.
So, if you basically respond in that way, not only will it be telling them to "mind their own business" (in a more tactful way) ... but, it will take eliminate these doubts and "paranoid" feelings you're having about it ... if no one else is offering "their .02 cents" when it's not asked for.
Good luck! Glad I could help.
Like starbuck said the important thing is that YOU feel comfortable with the arrangements and where the relationship is heading.
My husband and I moved in together after dating only 3 months, that raised a few eyebrows. Then we got a joint checking account after only six months, that raised even more, but we were discussing wedding plans so I was okay with it. At 8 months we set a date, but he was still saving money for an enegagement ring so we hadn't made it "official" even though I was discussing the wedding with people and we called each other "my fiance". Eyebrows and pitifull looks were everywhere. Fortunately, some of my closest friends knew I knew what I was doing and were supportive. My parents came on board after they were able to spend some time with him.
We might have bene of the fast track and you might be on the slow track; but, my point is it doesn't matter WHAT you do in YOUR relationship, if you talk to other peopel about ity you'll get their opinions on it. And there will be negative ones no matter what you are doing or not doing. So don't let it bug you. Everyone has a right to their opinion; but, the only two that matter are yours and his.