Starting over AGAIN!!
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| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 7:59pm |
Hi Ladies,
Well....my story is probably one most of us can relate to so I'd thought I'd share it. I met a guy through an online dating program. We spoke online for several days then exchanged phone numbers. We eventually spoke most every night at least 2 hours at a time. He was witty, intelligent but just outside of what I am looking for. He is 35 and had a vasectomy last year. He doesn't like children. I reasoned to myself that he probably would regret his decision but it could always be reversed. I decided to meet him for dinner anyway. We met and had a great time. He thought I was a pleasant surprise and that was a needed ego stroke. We kissed for a while before splitting up to go home and I walked away thinking, "he likes me". I did consider however that he made a few references to having a surprising high sex drive that needed frequent attention and tended to talk about his work alot -computers. Not very exciting for me. Still, we made a second date. Well, during the second date, he seemed a little less affectionate and made a few more remarks about "eye candy" in the nearest city and at this point, it got to be insensitive as we were on a date. He's an average looking guy that recently lost some weight and it definitely appears that he finds himself to be "the man". I myself have some pounds to shed and it didn't take a brainiac to figure out that he might consider himself "settling" for a heavier girl with a pretty face. To make a long story short, after a couple of hours of tossing and turning last night, I wrote him an email explaining to him that I didn't think that we were fundamentally compatible. I enjoyed the few weeks of having phone sessions and the couple of dates but felt that he was looking for someone different then me. I told him I would always be there for him if he needed a friend.
So why am I sitting here feeling like prince charming just took the last bus to Vegas? I mean, is my self-esteem so low that I'd mourn a relationship so new and unfulfilling that I'd miss this guy? I've checked my email 10 times today to see if he would write back and I know deep down I want him to chase me. Ewwww!!
Well, there's all my messy thoughts put out there for everyone to see. I am being honest though. As icky as that is.
Cloey

he wants someone he likes, some one who things he's great, someone who toes the line without requiring any thing from him, and he likes the idea that while he's being "honest" (haha) that there's some girl out there who will take whatever she can get.
just because you carry some extra pounds doesn't mean you're desperate and not a beautiful person who knows what she wants. it's up to you whether you give off self-confidence or not.
but he's counting on the fact that you have no self-esteem and will take whatever you can get - even if it's him.
not much of a deal, if you ask me.
like you said, you and he are not fundamentally compatible. nothing wrong with that. i would't settle for some guy who acts like he has something to prove.
he's looking for an ego-boost, not a real relationship.
"He's an average looking guy that recently lost some weight and it definitely appears that he finds himself to be "the man"."
sadly, for him, that says it all. he hasn't a clue what he likes or what's good, and you're caught up in the weird web of "show me i'm great."
i'd look the other way and not give this guy a minute more of my time.
sure, when you reject him he'll come running back wondering what's wrong... but what's wrong is him. he wants someone who will stroke his ego, not someone who is to be his mate.
First, I think you definitely did the right thing by letting go. As you said, you're not compatible. Also, I wonder, do you think his "ego boosters" got you so "high" on him that that is why you want him back? But seriously, leave him be. And don't go after him.
Secondly, I HAD to comment on this: "He doesn't like children. I reasoned to myself that he probably would regret his decision but it could always be reversed."
That statement alone is just plain RUDE and DISRESPECTFUL on your side. Not EVERYONE wants children and NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER assume someone will "regret" their decision and want a reversal.
I'm sorry I'm going off, but I absolutely cannot stand when ppl tell me I will regret my decision about having children, just because THEY think having children is the greatest thing. I am 30 and have had my tubes tied. I will NEVER regret my decision, and I feel it's so disrepsectful when people I know tell me otherwise. I'm an adult, and the choice I made, was mine.
So, that alone, the fact that obviously you want children and he doesn't like kids, but you felt he would regret it and reverse it FOR YOU, my gawd, that is just wrong. Leave the guy alone. He sounded like a total egotistical ass, however, you also sound like you were on your high horse when you ASSUMED he'd reverse his vasectomy FOR YOU, because you're so wonderful.
Next time someone says they don't want kids, don't reason with yourself, accept that if you marry this person, that you will never have children with them. Dont' dispresect their decision, just because you're not comfy with it.
I'm sorry. But this is really a sensitive spot for me. My xh married me ASSUMING i'd change my mind about wanting children, and that was a reason we got divorced. What a waste of MY time. Had he respected my decision, he never should've married me. And yes, he said he was FINE with not having children, all the while, ASSUMING I'd change my mind.
~pineapple_girl
i have a few pounds to lose, and have lost the guy because of that or other reasons, but there was always a better one around the corner till they turned out to be an idiot (just kidding) dont give up because you dont see a future with someone you had an okay time with. its a big pond out there with many fish