stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
stay or go?
4
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 5:25pm

Do you think you should stay with someone for the childrens sake?
My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married next year, but i dont know if its the wise choice. I got pregnant by him when i was 16 and he really wasnt a part of her life. now she doesnt really care if hes around or not, shes 7. we have a 4 month old also. He says he's a christian, but i dont see it in his life. He just recently quit drinking. I do love him, but i want so much for my kids to have a Godly influence in there lives. should i go ahead with my plans to marry him so that my kids will have there father?

thank you,
Elizabeth
Elizabeth18_@hotmail.com email if like

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sweetulip0623
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 5:43pm
NO!!!!! Actions speak louder then words. I do not condone staying for the children. Especially if it will affect them later worse then if you both are apart. He wasn't around for the first how in 6 yrs did you let him back to have another? You have other things going on except that he isn't acting as he says so follow that gut feeling and do not go through with it. You children will be better off with one parent that is Godly then one who preaches it and does another. Think how confusing that would be to a child. I will tell you very I saw it many times over. A man profess he is a Christain but acts so differently and here this child is wondering if what he does is Godly then I can do the same and do not have to worry about it. Do what is right and if it is to raise them on your own then that is what it takes for the best interests of the children.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: sweetulip0623
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 7:19pm

I come from a background of teaching my children tolerance. And part of that is teaching them that having a different religion - or no religion is OK. It's the way that we conduct ourselves and our lives that make us truly good people and good role models. If he's a perfect partner in all other aspects than being an active Christian, you can turn it into a positive - by showing the kids that people with different beliefs can indeed live in harmony. Show the kids that he can respect you being actively Christian and you can respect him not being the same as you.

I believe that you have to look at the big picture of his parenting and partnering ability. While him being a Christian is important to you, there are many other facets that can make a good partner and parent despite not being actively Christian.

For example, a good father would be actively involved in their lives...happily taking them to sports/dance and wanting to share in their day. Showering them with love and affection. Being a good role model with respect to how he treats you and those around him. Being able to continue their routines and make sure they get fed, bathed and put to bed properly if you go out. Looking after them appropriately if you get ill.

How he treats you is also paramount if you get married. Does he love and respect you? Does he value your opinions? Can he think of ways to make you happy? Do you laugh together?

Lastly, do you love him? Do you look forward to him coming home after work? Does he make you happy?

If you can say "yes" to all of the above, then I think you should work past the religion issue. Use his lack of Godliness to teach them that tolerance is just as important as having your own beliefs. However, if he doesn't do lots of these things, then he's not going to be a good husband or father.




Edited 5/21/2005 7:38 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sweetulip0623
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 8:53pm
Excellent post and I so agree..
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: sweetulip0623
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 9:18pm

I agree w/Marie, whose BTDT and so have I. If it is important to you that your children have a Godly influence in their lives and you don't see this guy acting in that manner, don't go there. Put the wedding on hiatus and see what happens. I wish I had.

My faith, sorta non-existent as it was at the time, was, yet, very important to me when I was planning to marry. I didn't understand it at all at the time but I had to be married in the Catholic church--where I was born and raised. I wasn't even practicing much at the time. My intended considered it a stepping stone so he did what was required and then stood at the altar w/me and PROMISED w/me we would raise our children w/in our faith. I took that promise seriously and over 20+ years educated/raised our children within our faith. He, however, only showed up at the 'important events' and was agitated the entire time. He not only attacked but disparaged my faith many, many times. When I'd finally had enough of that, he suddenly decided it was time for him to participate--just prior to putting a bullet in his head.

Please follow your instinct.