Sweating the small stuff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sweating the small stuff?
3
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:23pm
I have never managed to have really good long term relationship. The guys that I really like never seem to stick around and any thing long term just tends to be with guys that I am too lazy to break up with. Anyway, now I have been \ dating this really great guy for 2 months and am determined to go the distance (barring any red flags that might pop up and surprise me along the way). My problem, is that I am afraid to voice any objections or concerns for fear that he'll think I am over-reacting to small stuff, then I start to worry that if I never object to anything he'll think I'm a doormat (I am not-usually). The things I object to so far really are minor- the main one right now is that we only seem to go out on his schedule (not just his work, kids schedule but his need for space schedule) and never mine. He makes plenty of time for me and we get together several times a week, talk everyday- but it's always when he wants to go. I seriously don't want to see him everyday, if I did I would feel totally smothered- but I would occasionally like for him to want to do something when I suggest getting together.
What's my question or am I just venting? I guess it is- where is the line between being a doormat and letting the small stuff go?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:33pm

Why not just *say* that, and see what happens? If he's not willing/able to compromise, then you can either decide that you are ok with accepting him AS IS, or not.

I'm curious though...what's really the issue if he makes "plenty of time" for you? Is it that the two of you always do what he wants and he doesn't listen to your suggestions and preferences or what? Or is it more of a control thing?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:04pm

No, no- he is always willing to listen to my suggestions, go where I want, hang with my friends etc ( you can see why I don't want to lose him). I don't know what my issue with the only doing things on his schedule is other than the small sense of rejection I feel when he says he would rather spend the evening alone.

I am more concerned with my own behavior of being afraid to object or to voice the fact that I feel slightly rejected on those occasions for fear that he'll think I am overly emotional or emotionally high maintenance and not worth the trouble. On the other hand I know he doesn't want me to be a doormat. In my normal life i am generally the first one to voice my opinions, objections etc- so my behavior in this situation really bothers me. I guess the problem is that I have never had to deal with the situation of being in a relationship that needed to survive any kind of disagreement or concerns like this. Before the guys either left well before this point or I just didn't care enough to be concerned whether they like what I had to say or not. Clearly this is a hurdle that will have to be crossed if not on this issue then on another.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:20pm

Ok...with that additional information, then I think voicing your feelings of "rejection" because he wants to spend some time by himself would be too much, unless you want him to change his behavior and spend more time with you. Just voicing feelings for the sake of voicing them (without having a clear objective in doing so) doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

It seems to me that either you're happy with the amount of time the two of you spend together or you're not. If you're not, then speak up. If you are, then don't.

Sheri