Taking it to the next level...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Taking it to the next level...
6
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 1:04am

I was introduced to this guy by a mutual friend (if you can call him that) and we are scheduled to go on a date in 2 more weeks. Now, here's the thing, we've been e-mailing and IMing each other for about a couple of weeks, but we haven't exchanged phone numbers. He hasn't asked for my number yet, but I can tell he likes talking to me via IM.

The friend who set us up said he was shy and vulnerable and I can tell he is. His last girlfriend basically took the initiative on meeting him as well. Not saying that I will be or want to be his gf, I haven't even met him in person yet.

Should I e-mail my phone number or wait for him to ask for mine? Our mutual friend says go ahead and give it to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 4:16am

Hi, here's my two cents, after dating someone that was shy and passive. If that is what he truly is. If you're the type who likes to be chased down by a guy, this guy is going to be hard for you to handle. Why? Because you'll be the aggressor in the r'ship. So, if you're okay with being the one taking charge, making the path, etc, then go for it. If you're truly the type who likes a guy to chase you down, I'd wait until he ASKS you for your phone number...so he can lead the way. and if he can't/doesn't give you his number, and you still want to be chased, my two cents, would be to find someone else.

Shy guys can be great, but not when you are the type that wants to be chased down. i sit here, and wonder if my xbf of 3 years really wanted me, or if he just went along because I kinda chased him down (like I do with guys I'm not REALLY interested in, but they chase me down, so I say okay). Because I am the type who wants to be chased.

So, ask yourself if you're okay with being the aggressor. If not, you may want to think twice about this guy, or wait to see if he's willing to step up.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 12:11pm

Inkeddogmom, your post makes a lot of sense. I do like the guy to be the aggressor, but I can be the aggressor first, if the guy is going to eventually reciprocate. I haven't sent him my phone number yet, I may do it or I may just continue to communicate and see what happens. The thing is, one of us has to get some kind of number because we have a date comming up in a couple of weeks.

I used to firmly believe in those books like "The Rules" and "He's not that into you." But, now, I don't believe everything is that black and white in every situation. I mean he could be shy or he could be "just not that into me." Time will tell, I guess. Right now, I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 1:07pm

That's good. I don't think I'd mind giving out my number in that case, and I'd definitely do it with the intention of saying, "here's my number, in case something comes up regarding our date" and leave it at that.

however, if you do like him to chase you, I wouldn't do anything more. And I definitely would allow him to lead more so (just be wary if it's too slow of a pace for you, because some guys CAN be that into you, but too shy to do anything).

I know, I was hanging out with my cousin and a group of her friends. This one guy was paying me a LOT of attention, but I was told he was shy, never had a gf, never really dated, etc. (we were probably 19 or so). Well, the ONLY reason he asked me out, was because his two friends said, "if you don't ask her out, there's about 5 guys waiting in line". lol. Because, I guess, I was "fresh meat" and also, they all KNEW he was interested, but it had been 3 days already, that he talked to me, but did nothing more (boy that was a nice ego trip. having all those guys want to date me. lol). Seriously, I think he wouldn't have ever asked me out, if his friends didn't push him. He was sweet though. A perfect gentleman. And AFTER he finally asked me out, and I said yes, he started taking the lead more.

So, with you, I would be okay with the phone number thing, but if you're having to call him to set up dates, or you're the one doing more than him, either he's not interested, or he'll never chase you.

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 2:19pm

Actually, I'm starting to have second thoughts. The friend that set this up is actually someone that used me and someone that I don't trust. I believe that he would tell his friend (guy I want to meet) some derogatory stuff about me.

I'm having a hard time believing that this guy could be that shy. I mean what's it going to hurt that he asks via e-mail for my phone number. I believe that he is talking to someone else. Someone more his age. I am 12 years older than he is, but I look 10 years younger than my age.

Does this mean I should just give up? I don't know. I'm not one to really push myself on anyone. Anyone have any advice or perspectives?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 2:31pm

Actually, I think I have my answer. I sent him an e-mail asking how he was doing about a couple of hours ago. Then I saw him on a webpage where we both have profiles and sent him a message. He replied that he couldn't talk right now, but that he would be on later. It was short, cold and to the point.

I really think he was talking to someone else and that's why he couldn't talk to me. Men suck. Dating sucks. I guess now, I just have to wait for him to cancel our date. Am I pessimistic, yes, but what else am I to think? :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 11:48am

You know what? I think you should cancel this date. I mean, why would you wnat to go out with anyone, if you're having this many issues about it.

BTW, the fact that you haven't even gone out on one date, just means you need to not expect him to treat you like a gf. Right now, he may be interested, but you're definitely not a priority. And that's okay. Because you haven't gotten to date one.

So, I don't konw if you are expecting too much of this guy (not to date others, to make you a priority, etc) or if he truly is being an ass. Either way, I'd look at your own actions.....are you expecting too much? If not, then he's an ass and don't bother with him.