tell me if I screwed this up permanently

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
tell me if I screwed this up permanently
11
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 9:25pm

This is my first post here, so sorry to just jump right in, but I really need some advice from people who don't know me :).

This guy we'll call The Republican Operative (no one famous, don't worry, I'm not Washingtonienne) was pursuing me for several months, with calls, emails, invitations to lunch and coffee, lots of compliments, etc. As soon as we were both single, Operative asked me out and we had a great time. We didn't have intercourse but we did have oral sex. For several days after, he stopped calling, emailing, and everything. One would assume that he got what he was interested in and was done.

Skip to the next weekend, when he shows up at the same club my friends and I are at. He talks to me but makes a point of not dancing with me and when I ask him what's wrong, he tells me that I'm expecting too much if I want to go out with him more than once a week! I was quite hurt. He left the club, but one of his friends stayed. We'll call him Moby. Moby and I hit it off, danced, kissed, etc. I just assumed that Operative was not interested and that Moby knew that, otherwise why would he dance with me?

Anyway, I was on the rebound and needed to get some urges out of my system, so I went home with Moby. Turns out not only are they best friends, but they own condos across the hall from each other. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. So we hook up, I leave, and Operative is sitting outside. He had a pile of cigarette butts next to him, so I guess he'd been there nearly the whole time. Operative proceeds to tell me that he was falling in love with me and wanted a relationship with me, but now he never wants to speak to me again and his friendship with Moby is over.

I might have guessed Operative was playing hard-to-get because he has low self-esteem, but if The Rules have taught us anything, it's that you move on if a guy says he's not interested.

My questions:
1. Can I ever get Operative's friendship back? I can accept we'll never be in a romantic relationship, but I really enjoyed being with him as a friend.

2. If he never speaks to me again, how the hell do I get him out of my head? As it is, I don't know why I'm thinking about him so much, other than I'm really mad at myself and feel like I should've given him the benefit of the doubt, in retrospect.

Also, for the record, I'm not usually this slutty. Just had to say that.

Thanks for reading all of this. Any advice on #1, #2, or both would be greatly appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 1:51am

>>1. Can I ever get Operative's friendship back? I can accept we'll never be in a romantic relationship, but I really enjoyed being with him as a friend<<

Probably not. RO sounds like a nutcase anyway. Giving you the brush off and then getting mad when someone else gets you. Sheesh.

>>2. If he never speaks to me again, how the hell do I get him out of my head? As it is, I don't know why I'm thinking about him so much, other than I'm really mad at myself and feel like I should've given him the benefit of the doubt, in retrospect.<<

You have to remind yourself that you deserve to be treated way better than how RO treated you. If he had called you...and asked you to dance....and told you that he wanted to see you soon, you would not have ended up in the arms of Moby, would you?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 8:32pm

Thanks for your reply, Aisha. That's the same thing all my friends have been telling me too. There were all kinds of red flags that I should have noticed about him beforehand. I still feel bad for what I did. I think I just need to force myself to stop thinking about it.

On a good note, I saw him at a club on Wednesday, on a date with a girl. She was very plain looking, had ugly, too-tight striped pants on, and was all over him in a rather tacky way (this club is about the music and dancing, not about making out all night standing on the wall). I mean, why not just go back to his place? Anyway, I wasn't jealous at all, since she was like the opposite of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 2:52am
I absolutely agree with Aisha and I have to emphasize Do Not Blame Yourself! You did not do anything wrong. You did not violate any trust. It sounds like the Operative has some personal issues and, as people tend to do, is pushing the blame onto you instead of dealing with his own issues. I think you should talk to him, since you can't stop thinking about him. Tell him that you're sorry if there was a misunderstanding but that you understood him to be disinterested in you. Say that you were interested in a relationship and only went home with Moby because you thought he was not. Tell him you hope you can be friends but that if he wants a relationship he has to be more open and straightforward with you. I wouldn't expect any kind of a decent response from him, but at least you'll know you've done all you can. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 1:53pm

I've already told him all of those things, to no avail. He even said that he sees how it was his fault and that he should've been more honest with me, but that he still doesn't want to talk to me again. I thought he'd get over it with time, but it's been about 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him. I have sent him a couple short emails reiterating how I feel (apologetic, still want to keep his friendship, etc.) but he hasn't responded.

I mean, I guess this could've been really devastating for him, not so much because of what happened with me, but because his best friend of 10+ years apparently knew Operative was really into me but he pursued me anyway. His friend all but told me that Operative wasn't interested in me before we even left the club, even though he knew that was not true. That guy really has issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 2:45pm
IMHO leave a nutcase like that alone. Don't even attempt to try to contact him again. RO obviously has issues. One minute he's telling you that he doesn't want to see you more than once a week and pushing you away and then the next he is pouting because you went home with someone else. That to me says that he's super insecure. Exactly how did he expect you to react after he told you what he told you. First of all, he was the one that was pursuing you so fervently and then he decides to back off and then once you are gone wants you back again. That's just playing head games if you ask me. I don't think it would be worth pursuing a friendship with him. How long did you know him? Were you guys even friends to begin with? Trust me you don't need or want someone like that as a friend in your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:19am

I totally agree with biochic. Right now you are totally playing into his hands. Whether or not he is doing so inentially his behavior is manipulative. It is designed specifically to make you feel bad and beg his forgiveness. It's nothing mroe then a power trip and head games and it's working on you.

I recognize the signs it once worked on me, for a little over a year, as a matter of fact. Believe it or not this is probably his sick and twisted way of trying to manipulate you back into a relationship with him where he will always have the upper hand.

Your smart to not fall for it, but don't let the guilt trip work either. Trust us and your friends he's the messed up one here not you. Don't give him another thought, you aren't missing out you're saving yourself a world of trouble.

Believe me my world of trouble that lasted a year started out as a lot of fun to be with too. It's just a good disguise. You've gotten a glimpse of his real character and it shouldsend you running. Peopple who are emotionally messed up can become very good at "acting normal", but it's just thatan act. What you have seen recently is the real him. I mean seriously when was the last time a person responded to you the way he is, with the whole, "Well, fine if you're going to go have fun without me then I'm going to pick up my toys and go home and never, ever, ever speak to you again. So there, Nayyyy!"

I don't know about you but until I made that year long mistake it had been was I was about 8.

This is just not normal adult behavior. Walk away and don't look bakc and do so with a clear conscience. You didn't do anything wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 3:32pm

You ladies are totally right. I should've guessed that he was manipulative before any of this happened. He used to talk about what a loyal boyfriend he was to his ex, and that he never even looked at another girl. Of course, he was calling me daily and taking me out to lunch a couple times a week when he was with her; don't think he did that without looking at me :). Anyway, he told me he never answers his cell phone, so that girls won't expect him to answer, and that he never gives out his home number, so that girls can't figure out whether he's at home or not when they call. He also spends ALL of his free time at clubs. I like clubs and all, but geez, the guy is in his thirties, and it's DC, so it's not like the clubs are that great anyway. Plus, he really can't dance. Unfortunately, I see him EVERY time I go out.

I drafted a "screw you" email to send to him, but decided not to send it. I think I'll continue updating it when I feel like I need to vent.

I can't thank you ladies enough for helping me to get through this. It really has made me feel much better! I hope that I can be helpful to y'all as well someday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:19am

I'm sure you'll be able to help lots of others. We all learn from each other, it just takes an open mind.

By the way, SUPER smart move not sendign the "screw you" email. And awesome way to vent it out. They actually use letter writing tecniques in therapy, you know. I did that a lot after exiting that abusive situation and I think it did a world of good. I was REALLY tempted to send a couple of them too, heck I did send one right after I ended it and he wouldn't leave me alone. It's definitely better to just write it as therapy and let it go. When it was all over I printed it all out and burned it. It felt great.

Good luck to you, you're a really smart woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:55am

1. Can I ever get Operative's friendship back? I can accept we'll never be in a romantic relationship, but I really enjoyed being with him as a friend.

NO you, can't, and really you're much better off that way. Did you really have his friendship anyway? It sounds like he was persuing you, not looking for pals. Also why would you want his friendship? He sounds incredibly selfish and would suck the life out of you. You're better than that.

2. If he never speaks to me again, how the hell do I get him out of my head? As it is, I don't know why I'm thinking about him so much, other than I'm really mad at myself and feel like I should've given him the benefit of the doubt, in retrospect

No you did the right thing. If a man can't be honest with you, what good is that? And as for why you're thinking about him... I can't answer that for you specifically but this f-ed up situation will replay in my mind for quite some time and I only read about it. And being mad at yourself isn't going to help you. You don't have the ability to control feelings and what pops in your head. You DO have the ability to control your actions and to avoid bad situations. Run Away!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 4:09pm
In the fisrt paragraph of your message, read back to your self what Mr O, told you at the club. Obviously this guy has issues. He can only handle seeing once a week, and then all of a sudden he see's you with his friend and he's like "i was falling in love with you". Guilt trip...know one when you see it. He's not the type of guy you want in a relationship unless your looking for a night of no strings attached. Im sure that you have better friends as well.

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