Terrified of Valentine's Day
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Terrified of Valentine's Day
| Sun, 02-05-2006 - 3:40am |
I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend, on & off, for over 2 years now and the romance has completely died. Actually, it's been dead for a long time. He's not a naturally romantic guy, but I've seen him pull off a few sweet gestures in the past. All he does is talk about himself and jokingly make fun of me (har har). He'll come over, give me a buddy-buddy punch in the arm, raid my cupboards, eat until he can barely move and comandeer the remote until he goes home. Never any cuddling; he likes to stretch out on the couch. That's pretty much a routine. Just lately have I began to get peeved, since I see how other guys treat their girlfriends/wives and crave the same. Now I'm frightened of what will happen on Valentine's Day. I actually had to remind him the holiday was coming up, and he told me he hadn't even given it a thought (he actually thought it was on the 16th). Our first V-Day together was great, but he's changed so much since then. If he doesn't do something sweet this year, I think I'm gonna cry. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stand this romantically-challanged relationship. I know he loves me and cares about me, and I'm crazy about him, but the thought of him doing anything romantic and selfless seems like such a far cry. I think I'm going to be left high and dry this V-Day, and I'm really not looking forward to the disappointment. Any advice on how to deal?

Maggski, I'll come straight out and tell you that we don't do Valentines day. I think that it's a commercial exercise in forced romanticism. I want a nice gesture because DH thinks of it, not because a specific date tells him to do something.
So for me, I judge our relationship not on this one day - but on what the relationship is like as a whole. The every-day stuff is far more important than one specific day on the calender.
In short, don't wait for Valentines day to roll around and see what he does - look at the here and now. If you're not happy with his actions, then move on.
Why do you want advice on how to be okay with a situation that you're not okay with? Advice basically on how to betray yourself.
He's not a "naturally romantic guy", and yet you get it all worked up in yourself and are then upset when he's not romantic. You're expecting romance out of a guy who *you* call not romantic. Doesn't that seem crazy?
"All he does is talk about himself and jokingly make fun of me "
Except it's not such a joke anymore is it?
"He'll come over, give me a buddy-buddy punch in the arm, raid my cupboards, eat until he can barely move and comandeer the remote until he goes home. Never any cuddling"
So basically, you're a buddy with boobs. *That*'s the relationship you two have, not the bf/gf relationship you desire. And again I ask, you want advice on how to deal with that why?
"(he actually thought it was on the 16th)"
Now that's just a pathetic lie. Unless he's suffering from amnesia or he's been living in a hole his entire life. Come on now, the big ol' impossible to miss red hearts proclaiming Vday, February 14th! have been up since the Christmas decorations came down December 26th, just like it has every single year of his life.
You shouldn't be terrified of Vday. You should be terrified that you're choosing to remain in this situation that you *don't* want.
>>Where you see a guy who is romantically-challenged, I see a guy who is a mooch and an ingrate, who's self-absorbed and self-indulgent.<<
I quite agree.
Maggski, I think that you're confusing romance with caring. Even the most romantically challenged guys can still show that they care. A good guy may not be into flowers and stuff, and may choose to ignore Valentines day - but he will show he cares for you on a daily basis. He will cook dinner for you when you're tired. He will order your favourite pizza topping and wine. He will rent a DVD that he knows you'll like. He'll rub your feet when you're tired and when he asks how your day was, he'll listen to the answer.
I bet that if your man did all these nice things on a regular basis, missing Valentines day wouldn't be such a big deal to you. You've got to look at the big picture - his every-day behaviour.
Oh, and I agree that he would know when Valentines Day is. He was just trying to show that he doesn't care about that particular day.
Since you relationship has been on and off for 2 years...there's NO romance...then that should tell you something right there. Someone who talks about himself...wants to play with his friends and do stuff to make "him" happy...sweetie is SOOO not for you and up to your standards...you deserve better than that.
As hard as it may be for you to understand, it's really over. You are accepting a relationship that's not right for you. And yes you shouldn't be in something where he treats you like that. Does he tell you he loves you...are you both "in love" or has that feeling died for you. He seems WAY too comfy in all of this, and it seems that there's really not much you can do to change the situation.
I just got out of a RL where my BF did that crap to me, not even talking about v-day...doing something nice...even if he did anything he was really cheap about it. I was tired of feeling sick and miserable...and then I dumped him after almost 4 years...he says he never stopped loving me..but frankly I don't know how much of that is true...but I just had enough. He's still the same person I knew when I met him...I out grew the relationship, I make more money than him, I'm tired of doing the stuff I did when I met him...and I wanted a commitment from him which he wasn't even capable of. I still love him, I still miss him, but I keep a list of all the bad things he did to me in my car...and I keep telling myself that as much as I miss him and want him...I know he can't hurt me anymore.
You are young, keep that in mind, and being with someone for so long, and being "comfortable" in that, you need to think about if the RL is gonna go anywhere, do you want to feel like $hit...having that constant nasty feeling in your stomach, anxiety, hopelessness, etc. Ask yourself if you really want a man...or a little boy. A man will work on the RL, trying to keep you happy, a man is comftable taking you out with his friends and doesn't mind it, he'll call you, do nice stuff for you, and make you feel special throughout the RL.
There's always been that saying that men don't fully realize what they lost until after it's gone. Just know that your life and your happiness doesn't revolve around him, I thought for so long that my ex would change, but I don't think he ever will. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and the leopard's spots DONT change. Keep in mind that when you dump him...it's going to hurt a lot...remove all things that remind you of him...get rid of pictures, put them in a box somewhere far away that you dont see it. Remove all e-mail/phone/IM contacts...it's a lot easier to cut that off..and it helps to move on. You can't be friends with him....no sex with him either...it wont work trust me..it will only hurt you in the long run. The faster you cut things off/out, the easier things will be for you in the long run. Keep your head up...just know once you dump him...don't look back...you will find better fish in the sea.
Consider the following definition:
Apathy -
1) lack of enthusiasm or energy
lack of interest in anything, or the absence of any wish to do anything
2) emotional emptiness
inability to feel normal or passionate human feelings or to respond emotionally
Maggski, when a relationship reaches "apathetic proportions" it's basically over without the "formality" of having ended it.
For this relationship to be a "relationship," it will be up to him to change his apathy. And, people only change when they want to. As it is, he's been able to be apathetic about and in this relationship because you stuck around and took him back 7 times. Bascially, this is a guy who has no motivation to have any enthusiam or energy in this relationship because he's been allowed to get away with offering so little. He eats your food, hogs your remote, and basically doesn't have to do anything other than "show up." In his opinion, in his world, he's got it good.
If this isn't what YOU want, then ... you end it. However, if you stay in it hoping that he'll change, you'll only have yourself to hold accountable for sticking with a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.
<< He has admitted that he is a selfish person, but that doesn't seem to bother him because he never tries to change that. >>
He doesn't have to NOT be selfish because you allow and accept him as the selfish person that he is and admits to be. What motivation does he have to not be selfish? He doesn't. Why would he change? He doesn't have to. This works for him. Question is "how's it workin' out for you?"