is there any hope?
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|Mon, 09-13-2010 - 10:25pm|
Sorry this is so long.
My boyfriend of 4.5 months broke up with me about 2 months ago. I'm in my early 40's, he's in his mid 40's. Both never been married. Both started dating later in life because of career focus.
Breaking up came out of the blue for me. His reasons sounded superficial in the beginning. Him being outdoorsy and me being a city girl. He's hardcore outdoorsy and I'm moderate. He's also mentioned that we that we are from different backgrounds, meaning he and his friends are adventurous I am not. We also live about one hour driving distance away from each other. For him, that's a problem. Then, after prying it out of him, the core reason for breaking up with me was I'm not open enough for him. I mask my feelings. He can't read me. I don't tell him my feelings or thoughts. He doesn't knows what I'm really up to sometimes. He can't connect with me. Not entirely true. I don't tell him everyday, or every time we talk. I am sure there are more issues that he's not telling me. He's held back saying more because he didn't want to lose me...as a friend because he cares about me.
The thing is, he is somewhat the same in personality. He's not as open himself. He's held back telling me the real issues when we had discussed his concerns. He uses the smoke and mirror method when we discuss his issues. I have never had any issues with him. I was happy with him.
He's told me that he was unhappy during the last month of our relationship and couldn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. How could he have not told me? At least I could have tried to fix it.
When he broke up with me, I was shocked. I couldn't process the information he was giving me. I froze at giving him any response. I just didn't react well. He said I did nothing wrong. He asked if we could be friends. I agreed. I know, I shouldn't have. A week after the breakup, he said he felt better. He was somewhat relieved that he didn't feel anymore pressure from the relationship. Please know that I didn't pressure him at all. This pressure he put on himself. I just went with the flow. He felt he should have connected with me by four months but somehow couldn't. He was never comfortable with me he said. By four months, he should have been comfortable, but instead, his concerns grew.
I asked him a few weeks later if we could try again, he said no. He didn't want to go backwards. That was the end of the discussion. I just backed off after he said that because that hurt so much to hear.
Now, after much thought, I wasn't strong enough to fight for us then. To respond in a positive manner, to reassure him that we could have worked things out (he seems to need reassurance). To have offered up solutions to the issues. I was so insecure, hurt, and confused that I just took what he had to say and did not respond. I ran from the feelings of disappointment. I didn't know how to react but beat myself up for this failed relationship. Now, I am stronger and know what I want. I want to try again with a new and better understanding of each other. I feel more confident about myself to try and if he doesn't then, I'll move on. But I just need to give it one more try.
Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone think it can work again if I try and if he can open his heart to the idea? I know he's ready to date again. He's looking. Is there any hope for us?
Thanks in advance for your comments.