is there any hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
is there any hope?
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 10:25pm

Sorry this is so long.

My boyfriend of 4.5 months broke up with me about 2 months ago. I'm in my early 40's, he's in his mid 40's. Both never been married. Both started dating later in life because of career focus.

Breaking up came out of the blue for me. His reasons sounded superficial in the beginning. Him being outdoorsy and me being a city girl. He's hardcore outdoorsy and I'm moderate. He's also mentioned that we that we are from different backgrounds, meaning he and his friends are adventurous I am not. We also live about one hour driving distance away from each other. For him, that's a problem. Then, after prying it out of him, the core reason for breaking up with me was I'm not open enough for him. I mask my feelings. He can't read me. I don't tell him my feelings or thoughts. He doesn't knows what I'm really up to sometimes. He can't connect with me. Not entirely true. I don't tell him everyday, or every time we talk. I am sure there are more issues that he's not telling me. He's held back saying more because he didn't want to lose a friend because he cares about me.

The thing is, he is somewhat the same in personality. He's not as open himself. He's held back telling me the real issues when we had discussed his concerns. He uses the smoke and mirror method when we discuss his issues. I have never had any issues with him. I was happy with him.

He's told me that he was unhappy during the last month of our relationship and couldn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. How could he have not told me? At least I could have tried to fix it.

When he broke up with me, I was shocked. I couldn't process the information he was giving me. I froze at giving him any response. I just didn't react well. He said I did nothing wrong. He asked if we could be friends. I agreed. I know, I shouldn't have. A week after the breakup, he said he felt better. He was somewhat relieved that he didn't feel anymore pressure from the relationship. Please know that I didn't pressure him at all. This pressure he put on himself. I just went with the flow. He felt he should have connected with me by four months but somehow couldn't. He was never comfortable with me he said. By four months, he should have been comfortable, but instead, his concerns grew.

I asked him a few weeks later if we could try again, he said no. He didn't want to go backwards. That was the end of the discussion. I just backed off after he said that because that hurt so much to hear.

Now, after much thought, I wasn't strong enough to fight for us then. To respond in a positive manner, to reassure him that we could have worked things out (he seems to need reassurance). To have offered up solutions to the issues. I was so insecure, hurt, and confused that I just took what he had to say and did not respond. I ran from the feelings of disappointment. I didn't know how to react but beat myself up for this failed relationship. Now, I am stronger and know what I want. I want to try again with a new and better understanding of each other. I feel more confident about myself to try and if he doesn't then, I'll move on. But I just need to give it one more try.

Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone think it can work again if I try and if he can open his heart to the idea? I know he's ready to date again. He's looking. Is there any hope for us?

Thanks in advance for your comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 10:32am

As difficult as it is for you to accept and regardless of the reasons he has given you for not wanting to continue in a relationship with you, the bottom line is that "he's just not that into you".

That doesn't mean that he doesn't like you or that there is anything wrong with you, he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and, sadly, there is nothing you could do or say to change how he feels.

From experience, I can tell you that trying to maintain a friendship with him when you still have feelings for him will guarantee you more heartache and hinder your ability to move on. Believe me when I tell you that in the long run it will be easier to face the pain now rather than to prolong it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 10:34am

Thanks for your comment. I am sad and painfully accepting this. I haven't heard from him yet. I have a feeling that he is ignoring me. He's the one who calls or contacts me at least 85% of the time after we broke up, Now that he's put his profile back on line since last we talked last week, I haven't heard from him. I told him in an email last Friday that I still had some hope he would give us another try someday. I called him Monday, he did not pick up. He has not responded. This is the first time ever he has not returned my call or responded.

I want to let him know that I can't continue with the friendship anymore. How do I let him know if he doesn't even pick up the phone. Should I just let it die naturally? My friends say just let it die naturally. I prefer to let the person know and I feel saying it in an email is so impersonal after I had agreed to be his friend.

Edited 9/15/2010 10:35 am ET by trustlove8
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 11:34am

The fact that he hasn't contacted you, hasn't responded to your email, and hasn't answered or returned your calls is a pretty good indicator that HE has already ended it.

Be honest with yourself. The real reason that you want to talk to him to tell him that YOU are ending it is not because you feel obligated to do so because you agreed to be his friend but as a last ditch effort to get him to change his mind.

Why torture yourself? Take your friends' advice and let it go. If he would happen to contact you, THEN you can tell him that you're not interested in maintaining a friendship--or, better yet, don't answer or respond and risk having him con you into being his temporary "go to" while he's waiting for the "one" to come along.

You deserve better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sat, 10-09-2010 - 10:59pm