is there life after divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
is there life after divorce?
6
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 9:16pm

I don't know if there is anyone out there. But I was with a guy I loved very much for 12 years. He verbally/mentally abused me all 12. I got up the nerve to leave in 2004. I left my great job, great home, and great life (except for him and the drugs and DUI's and being out of work), and am back in the town I swear I would kill myself before I lived. It is over a year now that i am here. I have had two therapists. I quit the group because it was lethal to my recovery, too sad. I quit the therapist because she recommended meds after I said I did not believe in them. so here I am, dating a "great guy". Not yet divorced and I have no idea what to do in a normal relationship. I am so frightened that this guy will start out all lovely like he was, and end up a psycho. How do you trust. How do you ever trust again after being demolished by someone, your husband? I am afraid that I will make this guy the enemy, just because I don't know any other way. I have no children. I am afraid of them too, being a single mom when this guy decides (like everyone else) that I am not good enough, that there are better, younger women out there.

What do I do? How do I stop the mistrust and learn to live?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:00am

Sweetie, it's not about learning to trust others. Rather, you have to learn to trust yourself. Trust that you can learn to recognise symptoms of an abuser and leave the relationship. Trust that you can learn to have sufficient self esteem to prevent you loving someone who mistreats you. And trust that if all else fails, that you have the strength to pick up and recover again.

That aside, I'm concerned about you refusing meds. I'm curious as to what research you've done on the meds and on what basis you refuse them. I do accept that there is over-use of meds, but sometimes, some of us *need* them. For instance, I've got a disabled child and I know that there's a good chance that one day he'll need Ritalin or similar. I don't like the idea of having to drug him, and I'm avoiding it for as long as possible. But when it's necessary, I will do it if the end result is worth the means.

Going back to your problems.....are you aware that during long term depression your brain can get so used to being depressed that it no longer recognises *normal*? Your brain thinks that depression is normal and will not help you recover. Are you aware that meds can give you the clarity of vision that you are currently lacking? Are you also aware that if you refuse to medicate, you will most likely remain depressed and drive away any man who wants a relationship with you? In your situation, I believe that the end result is worth it.

Would you refuse your body medicines if it were ill? No, of course you wouldn't. So why would you refuse your meds for your brain when it's ill? You need a good kick out of your cycle of depression .... and to learn how to have a normal life and love. Meds can serve as a very useful crutch until the time that you no longer need them.

Lastly, I'm also curious as to why you felt the therapy group was lethal to your recovery. What part of their recovery strategy did you not agree with?




Edited 9/20/2005 5:59 am ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:14am

I have about 6 relatives who are on meds. They are shakey, strange, have facial ticks, can't get out of bed, fat, and unaware of what reality is. This is after long years of Dr.'s prescribing this drug and that drug to see what "works." I do not want to disillusion myself, cover reality, but rather learn to deal with it. I think the most important thing is teaching myself how to deal with stress and problems etc. Find methods of release. That is why I exercise and run. I understand what you are saying about meds. But I am too afraid of what I have seen to use them.

The group, we seemed to rehash alot. I have already been through everything with a therapist (one before I left/one here). They all started pushing med's too, and advocating their use. what I wanted maybe was a divorce woman group, where we discussed what we are doing now and how to get over "him". You know? I am a huge fan of school and respond really well to like homework assignments. Like this week, go to yoga class or read this book on Feel the Fear and we can discuss what ideas you have next week. anyway, that does not seem to be a popular approach.

Your words are really appreciated. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 9:54am
It's very hard to trust again. You should try and go to a group where people are going through the same situation that you are now. I find that it is easier to feel like you are not alone. I know when I realize that I'm not alone I feel in a sense safer so I defintiely recommend that. Also, as far as meds. You should stick with therapy, you need it. It's like being in a horrible car accident and bleeding but refusing to go to the hospital. Your ex husband caused a huge "car accident" on the inside so go to the dr and fix it. You owe it to yourself. Don't stand in the way of your own happiness! As far as dating, only you know your emotional state. I think it's a risk as is any relationship but if it fails, will you be able to handle it or fall deeper? Be honest with yourself. Best of luck and you're not alone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:00pm

Wow, that's scary stuff about the meds. I was assuming that your therapist was talking about antidepressants. (I take them and have no adverse side effects at all.)

Before we go any further, what is your diagnosis? It's obviously not depression if such awful meds are required.

This may seem off track, but if you have a mental illness it will effect your reality - and therefore the advice we give you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 7:46am
Nope. Sorry you did not understand. The scary meds were for relatives. Those started out as anti-depressants. God knows what they are now. I think their meds caused mental illness.
I refuse to get started on meds. I have seen what happened with them. I think my diagnosis was I am sad cause i am going through a bad divorce. Whatever. I'll get over it. Thanks anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:22pm

Hello r2l_gurl,
Iam not a frequent visitor here. But had to respond to your post.

I kind of agree with the idea of staying away from medicines. Iam a huge fan of "nature heals it all". Just be with the right people and do the right things. In America Antidepressants have kind of become a fashion. There are parts of this world where people have bigger problems and deal with them.. and never ever heard of Antidepressants.

Of course it is all will power. Medicines are chemicals and WILL have side effects. If you feel that there is no illness apart from feeling dull or depressed..I would say try other ways to deal with it. I myself have had lots of problems..But never took any meds.. Iam sure if I went to a therapist..I would have been taking themm..But I learnt to deal with problems.. Became stronger.
I know it is hard to get over some one whether you love them or hate them..if you have been with him 12 yrs. Keep reminding yourself that he was not a good person and that you were too young when you made that wrong choice.
Try to be with happy people and have friends who have stable marriages..and have happy stories to tell you. Not all men are bad. Iam sure you wouldnt do the same mistake twice. Communicate with your new guy_ As much as possible.. Tell him all your anxieties.. Try to spend more time with him and do not punish him for your ex's mistakes.

Try to look good , feel good and have some hobbies.. Watch good movies- Comedies..If you like them.. Over all try to have a active and happy life. Iam sure you will get over bad thoughts. And YES get the DIVORCE.. at the earliest if you know you wont be with him. That makes a lot of difference.

YES there can be life after Divorce and many times.. much beautiful one..

Cheer up.

~ Dreamz~