think well go anywhere from here? SSL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
think well go anywhere from here? SSL!
4
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:27pm
so im dating this guy who ive known for over a year he happens to be MY bestfriends husbands bestfriend! if that made any sense lol. well when we first met we were kinda friends with benefits (no sex) but then i dont even know what happen but we like hated each other we always faught and yelled at each other. well hes in the navy so him and my best friends hubby went on west pac and when they got back my best friend and her hubby were going to dinner with my family so i invited my guy as my date and we have spent almost every day together since! he lives at my house and everything. EXCEPT, well when we first started seeing each other again (that was june) he didnt want an actual boyfriend girlfriend relationship because he was supposed to be sent to chicago for school for the navy but then they said they werent going to send him now they are (he doesnt know when yet hes waiting for the next guys in charge to approve his paperwork) and its not guaranteed hell be sent back to SD (where we live) after school. so that was understandable to me...well we have gotten sooooooooooooooooooo much closer and i love this guy with all my heart. if he asked me tomorrow to marry him i would do it, if he asked me to go to chicago with him married or not i would do it. i love this guy! but we still arent exclusive. and thats what i really want. until recently any time he talked about the future he would always say "if i know you then" like he didnt really want me in his future but now when we talk about the future im involved in everything to do with his future. i've never told him i love him and recently we went out to dinner and he aksed me if i remembered a time when he had a restaurant sing happy bday to me even tho it wasnt my bday and i said yes and he said " that was the night you fell in love with me huh" ok this guy NEVER mentions love so that really shocked me i was speechless! i didnt know what to say so i just laughed and the waiter came so i tried changing the subject and he stuck with it he said "its true thats why youre blushing" so he knows i love him and he continues to stay close to me and keep getting closer. do you think we will ever get anywhere farther than where we are now?!?! sorry its so long but i had to explain the history! so please any advice, opinions on my situation would be grateful! thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:08pm

There's nothing to explain:

You have a place to live - he doesn't. You have a job - he's in the navy. He won't agree to exclusivity - because he's not being sexually faithful. He doesn't want obligation and commitment to you and your needs or goals.

But you'e offering up your body, your living quarters, and everything in life you have to make his life right now more comfortable, convenient, and easy.

Which is great.........and now he's said "is that when you fell in love with me" - and you've responded by "blushing"....as if this were some romantic exchange.

Basically...here's how he views you. And I'm going to be kind...because I doubt it's this positive.

He going "she's a nice girl, and she lets me live there without obligation in any way, and I'm in a state of flux with the navy and the school thing and I get sex, a bed, food, and use of everything that's a convenience. She's a nice girl. I'm sure she'll find someone that can appreciate her, but I sure don't want a relationship."

I honestly believe it's more like he figures you're not very bright because you've literally given up everything you've got to the access of a total stranger becuase he was willing to sleep with you in a non-exclusive arrangement.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:28pm
ok i see what you mean but let me explain. this guy is far from being even close to a complete stranger to me! he didnt start living with me til this past sept. when i have already known him for a year. and when i say know i mean KNOW him. me him and our best friends have been inseparable since we have all known each other. we always do everything together (ok not everything but when we arent together its me and him alone and then my bff and her guy alone but you get what i mean yea?) i know this guy a lot hes generally a very straight forward guy and i know he doesnt think "he figures you're not very bright because you've literally given up everything you've got to the access of a total stranger becuase he was willing to sleep with you in a non-exclusive arrangement." i havent given up anything to be with him. i live with my parents i dont pay rent, i still work, and like i said in my original post we didnt have sex at first. i waited to have sex with him and he knows i did too and he knows its cuz i actually cared about him and didnt want to jump in to that. and also he isnt having sex with other girls cuz we are very open about that, he knows i was seeing other guys and i knew he was talking to other girls. but i stopped seeing the other guy (for reasons not because of this guy!) and he is at my house every day when hes not at work, the only night hes not at my house is when he has duty and thats when he has to be on the ship 24hrs. he doesnt even talk to other girls other than girls he went to high school with and is still friends with, but he doesnt see them and i know for sure because he didnt grow up where i live hes not from SD. so they dont live here. and they are just friends. i know you probably think i am that nieve girl who listens to everything he tells me and believes it and gives him anything he wants or needs but im not. i didnt meet him and put my life on hold for him i kept doing what i was doing i didnt stop seeing other people because i was seeing him since i knew he didnt want anything exclusive. he works for his money he gets what he needs on his own and i do my thing and get what i need on my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 10:08am

HEre's the thing you're not seeing:

He has a job, he has money, he has his freedom and he has options in life professionally, professionally, etc.

So he's NOT afraid to go out and "get what he wants in life" - what he doesn't want is a relationship and he's found a situation whre has no obligation of relationship in parameters, but he's got the benefits of a relationship in dynamic interaction.

HE's not using you.....he's just hanging out and hooking up with you because he's not sure where his life is giong right now and he doesn't want youto think he's "considering" including you in his future.

He's pursuing his future - and he's having sex and fun with you - while he's pursuing that future. But when what he wants is elsewhere, he'll pick up and move on - without a backward glance.

Stand back and look at it objectively....he has a GREAT situation...it's like an "affair" in a sense.

Only the "wife" in his life is named "options and opportunities" - and hes committed to that personally and professionally without obligation to you. You're what he enjoys on the side, when he has time, because he has nothing else pressing that is presenting itself as desirable at this time.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:24pm
Since you have known him for so long and are so close there is nothing wrong with sitting down and discussing all these feelings and see where he is coming from. Does he know you'd marry him and move? Cause maybe that may make his prospective change a little. Tell him what you'd like to happen, that you want exclusitvity and if he says he can't cause he's leaving sometime...which he doens't know anyways, but tell him that you want to make it work long distance or your move. You need to tell him all that you've said here and see how he reacts, if he says yes, then you know, if he says no then you need to let it go and know that it is out of convience. Maybe he's been saying all those things about you loving him to feel out your feelings...talk to him, If you don't communicate what you want you'll regret it later. Stand up for what you want and feel, if he can't give it to you then its time to walk away.