On time, relationships, FWB, & living

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
On time, relationships, FWB, & living
26
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:36am

I was just seeking some worldly advice, opinions, and two cents after reading a number of different posts this morning. I realize everybody is different, and someone's time frame after coming out of a divorce may be different than somebody else's. The time frame I am talking about is a time to get into a friendship, dating, relationship, or how long it takes to heal.

I've read where some people have come out of a divorce to catch someone on a rebound only to get divorced again (Cher, I value your opinion and would like to hear how you feel). I've read where others have maintained SO relationships only for it to be unfulfilling to them (could use your opinion too "dd"). Maybe they just never took the time to get into themselves after the divorce. I've read where others are free-spirited, date, chose FWB, and just sound like they have a good time.

What I am asking (and I know you really can't place a time frame on it), when exactly after you've come through a divorce, do you finally feel secure enough within yourself to have fun and know what you need or know what to do for that matter!?!

I feel like I'm in high school again at 47 years old. This is a whole new world. I feel like if you have a FWB relationship, you'll be labeled....easy, so to speak. I came off of an emotionally abusive marriage of 26 years to know that I WILL NOT LIVE WITH ANOTHER MAN AGAIN! That I do know! Now, what do people do these days? Do they just hang out, get to know somebody, and then date? Do men seek more FWB relationships than commitments? Do you think that men haven't changed much and really just look for sex or do they look for companionship, someone to take out now and then but yet go off about their business other days.

I'm totally clueless here. I do know I don't want a relationship. I don't want commitment. I do want to have fun with friends, including male friends. Yet I would like to be taken to a movie, out to dinner, even to a ball game. And if you do this do they immediately think "sex"!?! I never was one to give sex out freely. I had to be totally committed and "in love" in a relationship in order to have sex. It just meant more to me than "just sex". However, now I'm in this gray area where I don't want a relationship, don't want commitment, yet sex falls in that gray area. And I'm fighting my morals and values from the past 30 years over where I am today. How do you know when a man basically wants sex and nothing else? How do you know when he IS a player? Why do you even care about any of these things if you only want a FWB relationship.

Right now I think I'm to the point where I should buy a house and get a cat. Fixing the house would be fulfillment on my part to do for me, and a cat gives you unconditional love (sometimes).

Would you share your opinions or what you've done and your advice?

Freedom

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:54am

Hi Freedom!

I have never been married but I lived a married life with my daughters father for a couple of years, and that was a very abusive relationship.

It took me 2 yrs to get in bed with another man. I have had 2 relationships since him and I broke up 5 yrs ago but they only lasted 4 mnths. And I have also had a couple FWB. I am only 25 yrs old and I don't date much. I'm really not interested in the whole dating scene. That's why I had a couple of FWB because it was so much easier then trying to date, and the way I am wired I don't bring emotions into it so it works out really good.

I have lived with just me and my daughter since I left her dad 5 yrs ago and I don't know how it would feel to live with someone again. Yeah sometimes it does get lonley but it's really not that bad. I just recently got a kitten in December and she is great. I am very content with living alone with my child and my cat and not being in a relationship.

Sorry I couldn't really give you an answer but it was just my opinion due to my circumstances. I am sure the other girls on here got some great advise for you.

Good Luck!
-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 11:25am

I don't know if I told my full story here or not. But, after my divorce I did not date or do anything but focus on myself and my son and get on my feet the first year after I left. My therapist and also many people here on IVillage recommended at least a year. I am glad I did.


Once that year was up I noticed a guy who was into me but I still wasn't ready to date because of my son it meant going out after 8 pm and I worked graveyard and I acted lie a SAHM during the day. I was stretched very thin. So really no time so FWB worked. Then I got with my second FWB that I met online, I had been meeting people online for years, we did that for 2 1/2 yrs. We went from maybe we should date to maybe not. I dated other guys and he dated girls and the only agreement we had was if dated someone and had sex then we would stop so no one is cheated on or feels slighted. During that time dating got better as I started working day shift and I could date without a lot of sexual frustration, lol. When I went out with a guy and saw he was oh so hot, lol then once the date was over and I have had a great time I would call FWB guy and we will do our thing and when I talked to the guy I was dating I got to know the real them without sex clouding my judgement.


Here I am a year later since FWB guy and I am looking for hot heavy sex like that and the fun I had when dating numerous guys at once. I am getting a bit but in all this 4 yrs. after my divorce I have yet to date someone over 6 mos. I am unsure if dating is for me or not or if it is relationships and me not trying to make that same mistake I did with my sons father and end up with the wrong guy only to have my child involved now.


I do not think there is one golden time limit. To each there own. I guess I had to find me the year I took off and I was glad I did. I wanted to be that fun loving person my friends always reminded I was before I got with my sons father. How I always smiled and how self confident I was. I fought to get her back and as long as you have the true you then I think you will be ok no matter if your dating or not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 11:26am

Thanks, Michelle, for your input. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out...exactly how long does it take for you to feel comfortable enough to get in bed with another man? I'm sure it depends on the individual. I don't want to get wrapped up emotionally with anybody again...BTDT. Yet I feel like a virgin post-divorce so to speak. It's really quite scarey! I've only been with less than a handful in my life! I'm not lonely at all. I've got entirely too much going on to be lonely. When I'm by myself, I'm content to be BY MYSELF. However, it would be nice to just go out now and then (maybe, I think). I don't think I could get into any dating scene either. I always said I wouldn't go out with just anybody. I need to know that person, like a friend first and then go out or whatever.

I'm glad to see you got a kitten. I love kittens.

Thanks again,
Freedom

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 11:40am

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I guess the whole FWB deal has me wondering. I grew up in a small town (quite Mayberry) where everybody knew everybody's business. Therefore, if you slept around you were a "slut". If you kept sleeping with the same person, he was using you. Now we're into 2005 and I have friends say "use them!" I've went from growing up in a small town to living in another larger town with small minds in the past 26 years (Knots Landing!!!) So, I'm still probably dealing with the same issues although now I'm 47 and not 17. I guess psychologically years ago I was one of those "he's using you" (for four years) and like a dumba** thought he was the love of my life. Those memories still haunt me sometimes and maybe that's why I'm scared or afraid that people will judge. At my age I really shouldn't give a rat's butt! But I'm a people pleaser and I'm trying to get beyond worrying about what other people think.

I'm somewhat back to being my old, happy-go-lucky, fun-loving self and I love having ME back. I've had ME back for about a year now.

Freedom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 11:46am

Having "Me" is a really great thing. I hope you decide what you are going to do. I know I am one who doesn't care much on what other people think, actually I am one to do the oppisite of everyone around me just to prove my difference and not wanting to be grouped with anyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:04pm

Freedom,


What I would be concerned about, in your case, is if you can emotionally not get involved if you do have sex with a man, for FWB.


You see, as Michelle said, she's wired that she can separate emotion from sex. I can too. So FWB's don't bother us. We don't get our hearts involved and can easily just have fun.


YOU have to honestly ask yourself if you met a guy, liked him enough to hang out with him, enjoyed his company and slept with him, if you could NOT fall for him....since you're not ready for a r'ship.


Also, I heard, for every year your married, you should give yourself 1 month to get back on your feet. In your case, that'd be almost two years. Also, the fact that it was abusive, takes a whole other spin on it. And the fact that you sound bitter and angry towards men, sorta, makes me worry also.


I personally think, and this is ONLY judging by your posts, is that you should date and have fun, but leave sex out of it for awhile. It seems you need to heal emotionally before you can have sex. And you're not healed. I would tell the guys straight up. I'd love to go out, hang out, but I'm not looking for anything serious, nor am I looking for a FWB. And if they leave, then you know THEY wanted more (or sex).


You can never truly tell if a guy only wants you for sex. Sometimes, if they're pigs, you can. but most times, you don't know until you start seeing their actions and realizing, hey...i'm being used.


Also, for amount of time to heal. I tell ppl to take some time to understand the reasons for the divorce, to work on themselves before getting involved again, to really BE okay with themselves and ALONE, before hooking up. Why? cuz. I bounced from r'ship to r'ship all my life. I didn't "learn" from the r'ship, except what NOT too find in a guy....and instead of thinking *I* was the problem, I blamed all them, for being wacked, crazy, clingy, jealous, whatevers. When in fact, much of the issues were my own.


I also just screwed around after my first divorce. Didn't get involved with anyone, just kinda had FWB. I fell for one guy, but gladly, he blew me off all the time, so I never truly FELL for him. if ya KWIM. But, I met my 2xh online about




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:41pm

Interesting....I told you I value your opinion. You make so much sense out of things! Do I really sound bitter and angry...LOL!?! Wow! Wonder if anybody else can pick up on that!

***I didn't "learn" from the r'ship, except what NOT too find in a guy....and instead of thinking *I* was the problem, I blamed all them, for being wacked, crazy, clingy, jealous, whatevers. When in fact, much of the issues were my own.***

THAT'S ME!!!! I realize I'm not perfect. I had my faults in my marriage. However, I do know how I am. Therefore, that's why I don't want to live with anybody again. I'm a neatknick, I'm a perfectionist, I'm independent. I can't stand jealous, possessive people. I like to come and go as I please without being told what to do and how to do it or when to do it. Yet I can honestly, and honestly say after reading this in writing, I tend to tell people what to do, when to do it, and how to; but I don't want somebody doing that to me. What a double standard! Same way with being a neatknick. Yeah, I like to be neat; but if I make a mess or I'm a slob, that's okay. But I don't want anybody else doing it! In other words, I don't want to have to pick up after anybody else again! I'm not a jealous person, though. THAT I can honestly say I'm not. Somebody ask me over the weekend if he was a bartender if I would want to be at the bar all the time with him and hang out. I said "no way; that's where trust comes into play". Now my other friend immediately said "yep, I'd be right there." So in a sense when it comes to relationships, I would have to feel secure and trusting,otherwise I wouldn't want to be in it. I always trusted my XH. He just was very, very jealous and possesive amongst many other things including controlling. I'm controlling to an extent but I would never try to run some person's life to a point where they're not that person anymore. That's what he did to me. That's why I say I got myself back!

And thanks for the advice on what to say. I need to do for ME and what I'm comfortable with. Not worry about how they may think. If they're worth it, they'll stay around until I'm comfortable.

And your last paragraph was the best. It really makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I have giant walls up. Other times I feel like I don't have any up but yet I feel subject to "prey". Like the cat lurking after the bird!

Thanks, Cher. I appreciate it.
Freedom

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:16pm

Well, I know this one is going to get lots

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:30pm

Freedom,


In a sense, it sounds like you had no control when you were married, cuz your xh had it all. And it sounds like right now, you're not just "getting you back" but you're TAKING YOU BACK. Meaning, you've gone the complete opposite end of where you need to be. You went from someone being controlled, to someone who NEEDS control. that's normal in those types of situations. I did the same after my abusive controlling xbf. I CONTROLLED my life and basically I lived how I wanted, and no one could tell me otherwise. THe price I paid was that I ran off pretty much every single guy, cuz no one wanted to be with a control freak who needed to live life HER way and screw everyone else.


Like I said, I see that you're healing, but you still have work to do. You need to balance everything. Your controlling, is just the aftermath of being controlled. You have to let go of some of that control, in order to live freely and happily. Trust me, I'm learning how to do that myself.lol. AS WE SPEAK!!! lol. I'm not saying it's easy, but I am trying to balance out myself too. I have a lot of hangups due to my past. And I'm trying to trust and believe in myself to be able to live a more happy and stable life, not where I HAVE TO HAVE THINGS my way, nor to have a man DO WHAT I WANT, and all that jazz. But more like, BE WITH A PARTNER in life, in crime, in love, in all that comes with that. I want a partner, not someone I boss around. I want a partner, not someone who bosses me around. I want us to share equally and equally help the other out. I want someone to complement me, so we can work out well together.


I want that for you. But you do need some work. I say, work on yourself, but also, enjoy yourself int he company of men, but not on a sexual level, and be up front with them (even if in email) to let them know you're not looking for somethign serious.


Hugs. You can find the balance, it jsut takes time....and a lot of introspection.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:38pm

Steffy, that spoiled self centered attitude sounds like how I was. And my FWB guy left that was the only thing that hurt was he was gone and I could no longer get my way. I knew it was wrong to be so selfish plus he had always told me that is why dating wasn't working for us.


I am now trying this give and take thing and it will be a long and slow process to not be so spoiled, manipulative, and self centered. I guess that is why I am not caring so much for Patrick because this is like a stepping stone relationship and who knows if it will follow through on the tides.

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