Too Fast?
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Too Fast?
| Mon, 06-06-2005 - 8:59am |
I met a man about 4 months ago. He is a sales rep that comes in to the place where I work. He would take me to lunch once in a while, as do most of the reps. He was married so it never went any farther than lunch. He told me after about a month that he was getting a divorce and his wife was moving out. This did in fact happen. I didn't start really seeing him until this happened. The divorce has been signed and filed. We have been seeing each other seriously about 11/2 months.Sleeping together for about 1 month. I have fallen in love with him and he has with me. We can't stand to be apart. We don't get to see each other every day because he lives about 45 minutes away from me. He spends some evenings with his kids. When I do get to see him it is usually in the evening and on the weekends that we don't have our kids. I guess my question is can this be true? He seems to be the man I have been searching for all my life. We share similar interests and can't keep our hands and minds off each other.I have fallen hard for this guy and some of my friends say we are a rebound couple. I don't know what to do. My heart tells me to go with it but go slow. It is hard to slow it down, we are full speed ahead.

My two cents. I would slow down. And if you can't. I wouldn't do anything MAJOR in the next year or so, like getting married, or anything like that. I'd also not "move" nor "move-in" for at least 9 - 12 months. Why? Because, maybe you can't slow it down, but you CAN control your urges to get married because it FEELS so right.
the MAIN sentence that makes it clear to me that you're in the honeymoon period and LOVING it, and BELIEVING it's the end all of everything is this: "We can't stand to be apart." That's infatuation, not love.
that's not saying you don't love him....................however.
There's a lot of questions, and I'm wondring if you two talked about them. like, why did his marriage end? what part did he play in the demise of his marriage? what has he learned? is he a better person because of it? or does he just ignore what happened?
I mean, you met him 4 months ago, and within 1-2 months, he was divorced? I think it's too fast for HIM, because he hasn't even dealt with his divorce. How long was he married? How are his kids dealing with him dating someone else? Does his xw know?
The point is, have you really talked about any of those things? Or are you avoiding it?
Just wondering.
~pineapple_girl
This is tough for me to explain, because things went really fast with my fiance, so it's not as though I think that fast is bad. The thing is at times it can be.
If both people aren't really ready to have a mature adult relationship it usually is a bad idea. Becasue it's usually more about passion and need then love.
Pineapple girl makes a good point about making sure you've discussed importnat issues before rushing in. Love is a great thing but it isn't always enough. If it was 50% of marriages wouldn't end in divorce.
Like I said things went really fats with my fiance, but before we told each we loved each other we had already talked about all the big practical issues: kids, money, moving, jobs, religion, finances, risk tolerance, change tolerance. Those last two are REAL biggies and some people for get them. Nothing will cause problems in a relationship faster then one person who loves change and nex experiences and the other who is uncomfrotable with change and wants things to stay as they are or one person who likes taking a gamble and the other likes for things to be safe and secure and feel known.
Another good point she brings up is how soon he's involving himself with someone new. It makes me wonder if he wasn't just looking for something better to come along before he dumped his wife. A case of treating realtionships like monkey bars. He doens't want to let go of one until he's got a grip on the next one. Which is REALLY unhealthy.
Listen to your instincts. If you're feelings overwhelmed and pressured (not neccessrily by him, just in general), then take a step back and determine WHY your instincts are telling you to slow down. There's probably a good reason, that may or may not ahve anything to do with him, but figure that out before you jump into anything.
You don't neccessarily need to slow down but you do need to be SMART!!! ANd that means listening to your instincts, examining how you feel and why and moving forward with that knowledge. Going with the flow as fine as long as it doens't mean turning off your brain or tuning out your instincts.
I ignored my insticts and "went with the flow" and ignored the feelign of being pressured nad uncomfortbale and ignored my brian telling me to slow down I went along with the guy telling telling I was "too closed" and that if I just "opened up" everything would be great. Well, he turned out to be an emotionally abusive jerk.
Then I met my fiance. I listened to my instincts and I went with the flow. I questioned things I looked inward for answers and examined my feelings. I feel in love and FAST but I was also SMART!!!
Love isn't blind unless you decide to put blinders on. Use all the faculties you have, your head, heart, instincts, feelings... all of it. Sort it out and then decide.