Too many "I love you's"
Find a Conversation
Too many "I love you's"
| Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:37am |
I must be in the minority when it comes to the way that I feel about this situation that I’m in. Basically, I've been dating a guy that I've known for nearly a year (10 months to be exact). Approximately four months ago, we made our relationship official: we’re no longer just “dating”; we’re in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship. I was happy about that…I AM happy about that. About two months ago, he told me that he’s in love with me. Now, I knew that I loved him, so I said, “I love you too.” I didn’t say, “I’m in love with you too” or, “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I didn’t say either of those things because I wasn’t there yet (and I'm still not there). We’ve had our ups and downs, the kinds that go along with long distance relationships. There have been times when I would say to myself, “I’m tired of not being able to spend time with my boyfriend…I don’t think I can do this” or “This talking on the phone thing is getting old.”
Anyway, let me get to the point. I think I’m in a situation where my boyfriend loves me more than I love him. . He tells me that he loves me several times within a single conversation on the phone. He says to me, “tell me you love me…”, and I tell him I love him because I do. He says it so much, though, that it’s starting to be annoying. What normal person becomes annoyed when a significant other professes his/her feelings? (I know you're asking yourselves this question) Is it normal for me to be annoyed by that? Sometimes I think to myself, “Do I have to say ‘I love you’ several times a day for him to believe me?” Now do you see why I said that I’m in the minority? I assume that most women would love to have a guy be this vulnerable about his feelings. When I was single, I too longed for a man to be vulnerable enough to tell me that he loves me; however, I never expected a man to say it constantly and even point out when I don’t say it back each time he says it. I guess I feel a little bit of pressure. Basically, I haven’t spent enough time with him to be able to say with 100% certainty that I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with him.You see, out of the 10 months we’ve known each other, we’ve seen each other five times (and have been intimate only three times). I love him, but I’m not ready to say that he’s the man I’m going to marry or that he’s the man who’ll be the father of my children.
So, what do I do? Do I tell him that he’s putting a little too much pressure on me with the daily “I love you’s”? How do you say that to someone? How do you tell someone that they shouldn’t tell you how they feel about you because it makes you uncomfortable? I guess I really shouldn’t say anything like that unless he begins talking about marriage and family. Then, I can tell him that it’s too soon for that. Any advice????
Edited 2/28/2006 10:39 am ET by mali2579
Anyway, let me get to the point. I think I’m in a situation where my boyfriend loves me more than I love him. . He tells me that he loves me several times within a single conversation on the phone. He says to me, “tell me you love me…”, and I tell him I love him because I do. He says it so much, though, that it’s starting to be annoying. What normal person becomes annoyed when a significant other professes his/her feelings? (I know you're asking yourselves this question) Is it normal for me to be annoyed by that? Sometimes I think to myself, “Do I have to say ‘I love you’ several times a day for him to believe me?” Now do you see why I said that I’m in the minority? I assume that most women would love to have a guy be this vulnerable about his feelings. When I was single, I too longed for a man to be vulnerable enough to tell me that he loves me; however, I never expected a man to say it constantly and even point out when I don’t say it back each time he says it. I guess I feel a little bit of pressure. Basically, I haven’t spent enough time with him to be able to say with 100% certainty that I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with him.You see, out of the 10 months we’ve known each other, we’ve seen each other five times (and have been intimate only three times). I love him, but I’m not ready to say that he’s the man I’m going to marry or that he’s the man who’ll be the father of my children.
So, what do I do? Do I tell him that he’s putting a little too much pressure on me with the daily “I love you’s”? How do you say that to someone? How do you tell someone that they shouldn’t tell you how they feel about you because it makes you uncomfortable? I guess I really shouldn’t say anything like that unless he begins talking about marriage and family. Then, I can tell him that it’s too soon for that. Any advice????
Edited 2/28/2006 10:39 am ET by mali2579

Maybe you can tell him that you're not the type to say ILY so often, and the fact that he is, great. However, he needs to realize just cuz he says it, doesn't mean he should EXPECT an ILY back all the time.
My bf says it more than I do, and lately, I feel pressured to say it back all the time. He gives me pouty faces (his way of showing me I hurt him), if I don't say it back. Sometimes, I just don't feel like saying it 3 times in one hour. Sometimes I do. Why can't I say it when *I* want to? Instead of when HE wants me to. KWIM?
So, I'd say, talk to him. I have yet to talk to my bf about it. Timing hasn't been right. I'd also bring up the fact that because of the distance and lack of seeing each other, you're just not to that point he is, YET. But it doesn't mean you don't love him. It just means you are feeling pressured to hurry up and catch up. Which isn't good.
Good luck
biochic, I agree with everything you said, except the part about it being too soon at 2 months.
My take on this is is twofold. One, it's very possible you're not ready to share the same sentiment as he was with you. Two, his constant need for your approval is annoying you.
If it's not addressed, and the behavior doesn't change, it will drive you away. Without knowing more than your post, his constant need for your 'approval' may even be a symptom of a deeper issue with him, and is manifesting in your relationship.
Real love comes with getting to know one other and feeling the same about each other over time.
"Proactive" conversations are very difficult to have - no one likes feeling stupid, or being the one that makes one feel stupid. But to let something uncomfortable for you go on unaddressed will only make for a more difficult situation to walk away from later.
Hi Mali2579,
It seems that your boyfriend has some insecurity issues. I had an ex like that. He was very pushy about those words. He ended up not being "the one" because I realized in time that if he's being pushy about that, it's going to reflect on other situations. Do you really want someone to be pushy with you like that? A man that loves you will obviously be eager to be loved back, however it takes a special man to give you the time and respect you deserve to think things through. Did you ever watch the movie Forrest Gump? Forrest finally let Jenny go, but Jenny didn't feel the same. He always loved her, but he stopped annoying her. She finally came back to him when she realized he was the one. If he lets you go a little and stops pressuring you, I'm sure that'll give you the space you need to think with a clearer mind. Right now he's boggin you down, and you won't be able to say something without regret. I feel this is why you are hesitant.
About the phone thing getting old, I've found that flirting with your significant other can be really fun at times. I like singing weird songs, especially the ones from Team America, that will usually get a guys attention and keep it there for a while. That's the best I can do for now.