too much time w/ his buddies!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
too much time w/ his buddies!?
3
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 1:31pm

So, I've been in a wonderful relationship for about 3 months. He has a great group of guy friends (mostly single) and prior to me, spent A LOT of time with them (living the bachelor life). My concern, as of late, is the amount of time we hang out with them… first of all, I'm more of a homebody than he is (can't stay out 'til 2 a.m. every weekend night!?), but have no problem going out at least 1 weekend night with 'the gang'.

What does he think about a compromise of going out 1 night w/ them, and then having 1 night just the 2 of us? He said that he loves his friends, likes to be out doing things, etc. and that he doesn't see himself 'slowing down' (until he has family/kids). I want him to want to spend time with me. I just don't think it's appropriate to be spending so much time with his guy friends (a couple have fiances or wives who are sometimes there). When does spending time with me superceed spending time w/ his buddies? Doesn't one compromise/modify behavior when in a relationship… (?)

I know time will tell how this difference will affect us. But any advice would be wondeful…
Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 1:49pm

One compromises or modifies behavior, ONLY if they feel it is something they want to do.

Obviously your guy wants to spend all his time with his friends. And that's fine, assuming that is what his gf wants to do too. And since you're the gf, and you don't want to spend all weekend with them every weekend, you have to ask yourself, is this the life you want? At least until you marry or have a family?

If the answer is no, I would highly suggest you really ask yourself if you want to be with him. Good guy or not, his priority is spending time with his friends, with or w/o you. You come in second. Is this the type of r'ship you want?

Personally, if he wasn't willing to compromise, which btw, I think is fair, at 3 months, I'd have to walk away. Because I know it will be hard, but in the long run, you're better off with someone more like you, or someone who WANTS to make that change.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 2:03pm

"When does spending time with me superceed spending time w/ his buddies?"

Well, he's already given you his answer: "He said that he loves his friends, likes to be out doing things, etc. and that he doesn't see himself 'slowing down' (until he has family/kids)."

Losely translated that means he wont be slowing down for you, at least not any time in the foreseeable future.

"Doesn't one compromise/modify behavior when in a relationship… (?)"

It's GREAT that you've expressed what you wanted and made him aware of your feelings. It's now up to him to decide if he wants to do something about it or not. It's one thing for a person to, of their own free-will, choose to spend less time with their friends and more time with you. It's a different thing entirely for a person to give up something they enjoy to appease another's wishes. That's no longer compromise that's now asking someone to tread into the murky waters of sacraficing their needs for yours.

You've made him aware of how you feel, now it's time to let him make his choice even if he chooses his time with his friends over alone time with you. That's his choice to make and you'll have to decide if you can live with it or not and make a choice of your own.

The truth is, if after 3 short months, you're already finding fault with him and trying to mold him into who you think he should be rather then enjoying him for who he is, that doesn't really bode well for a happy future. If this was meant to last, he would have already shifted you into the prime slot in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:23pm
He's pretty much told you he doesn't plan on slowing down so you either get with the program the way it is or break up. I mean it's only 3 months, it's not a lifetime together and this has been his behavior since Day 1 and he's told you it's unlikely going to change, so what you really need to ask yourself is can you live with it?