iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 8:36am
This is a long one, but please stay with me, I need a little input..
I'm just going to lay this all out there -- I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now. I met him last spring, and I thought to myself right away that he was just a friend, and that I would not end up dating him. I knew he was head over heels for me, but I told him that there was not a chance of us dating, I was sure we would end up being good friends though.. which we did. I went away for the summer after college, and he went off to basic training. While we were gone we wrote letters to each other every day, and I kept thinking to myself that I would be an idiot not to snag this guy while I had the chance. He is intelligent, funny, cute, and treats me like a queen. When I got home, I road tripped with his family down to surprise him at his graduation from basic. From there he flew me out to where he was stationed next, and we stayed in a hotel room together. At the end of that weekend he asked if we should make the whole thing official, and I said I wasn't sure, but agreed to just go along with it anyway. For the next few months I felt like it was exactly as it should be, and missed him while we weren't together. I've never felt deeply in love with him, nor physically attracted. But I'm stuck in this mindset of "well, what if this is the best that comes along for you?" I can't stand the thought of having sex with him once we get married. I feel so ashamed because I told my family and everyone that I was sure this was the guy I was going to marry when we started dating. And back then I was pretty sure. My big mouth is getting me into trouble and my pride is keeping me from making things right with myself.
The kicker is, he asked my dad's permission to propose and is having a ring custom made for me. We've talked about getting married, and I think if I did marry him, I could learn to love him and be ok with my life. But I think I would always wonder what I missed. Then again, I might wonder the same thing if I didn't marry him. And then there's the question of the military, do I want to wait around for 5 years while he finishes out?
I do love him, very much. His family and I are close and I think of his mother as my mother. And everyone in my life knows that we plan on getting married. But is all of this reason enough to call it off? Any input? Please please please, I'm struggling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: lapritchard
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 12:10pm


"I've never felt deeply in love with him, nor physically attracted."

"I can't stand the thought of having sex with him once we get married."

"I could learn to love him and be ok with my life. But I think I would always wonder what I missed."


If anyone is feeling things things about the man they are going to marry, this is just PROOF that he is not the right guy for you. You will be doing NO ONE a favor by marrying him with the way that you feel.

Which sounds better? Making everyone happy while you're miserable inside? Or making lapirtchard happy, and everyone else will get over it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: lapritchard
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 1:54pm

I replied to you on another board but after seeing sienna's response to you, I have to add:

Would YOU want to marry someone loved you only like a sister, wasn't attracted to you at all, couldn't stand the thought of having sex with you, but settled for you because you were the best option at the moment and your family liked him?

Then why do you think it would make HIM happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2009
In reply to: lapritchard
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 12:11am

I married someone I shouldnt have. I lived it for 10 years. Every time I felt like quitting I thought, maybe if we have a kid, maybe if we go to counselling. The problem was..I didnt LOVE him with all my heart to begin with!

I didnt figure it out before I married him that I was doing something other than what my heart was telling me.

You seem to KNOW.

I would be VERY angry if I was him and you went through with the marriage only for it to fall apart later.

Dont do that to him!!!