True Love?? Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
True Love?? Need advice
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Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:51pm

Hey guys.. thanks for reading. Really need some help on this cause Im lost. Dont wanna bore the heck out of everyone and write a book so Ill try to keep it short.

I had a gf...for 4 years from age 17-21. She wanted to break up and at first I didnt want to but eventually I knew it was best. She wanted to date other people...try other things and make sure it was me who she wanted to be with. I know now that it was the best and most healthy choice for us. We went our separate ways.. she found someone.. so did I...but when hers didnt work she came back to me and we tried to work things out. TO say the least it didnt work. It worked for about 2 weeks...but our hurt..insecurity..immaturity didnt allow us to get back into the good relationship we once had. So it ended badly.. with fighting crying..lots and lots of name calling until the point where she totally blocked me from her life.

She found someone else and started a new relationship in which she thought it was even better then ours. Loved him a lot and basically changed her whole life around to revolve around him. Cut friends out..no longer talked to me...stayed in 24/7...etc etc. The whole time she told me how happy she was and how great he is. Turns out.. he was an extremely jealous person..childish.. and the relationship wasnt so great after 4-5 months. They broke up around 8 months and she realized how bad he was and the mistakes she made. She now is trying to regain her friends and her and I talk regularly now.

I havent had anyone.. I wanted to stay single. I have dated..had a couple flings..but no one caught my eye. I want something serious... I wanna date her and see if we can now make this work. Shes completely diff..same here and I believe our confidence and maturity have prgressed a lot. We hung out about 2 times since they broke up and it was the best 4 hours in awhile..we both admit that. No more hurt..no more bad feelings.

She has stated she wants no relationship from anyone..even me. She had said on many occasions "I just dont trust men" I notice that other guys have been calling her.. and when shes out they pass at her...but she tells them to back off. On our dates she kissed me...peck kiss...and she hugged me. When we get home Ill get emails like "You were my first...Ill never forget that"... or "You are better then ever" THEN... no contact for 2-3 days..like she doesnt want to get attached..or shell get a wake up call and say slow it down. So my question.. is how do I handle this? I dont wanna rush her.. but I dont want to lose her by inaction. I want to do the best thing for both of us so niether of us get hurt.

I appreciate any advice or articles you can forward me. If anyone would like to talk privately I would love that... I can provide the actuall letters and messages that I was getting to help you better understand whats going on. Btw.. I am 24 now.. her 23 and its been 3 years since we broke up...and 1 year since we tried to work things out/

Thanks again
RK

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:02pm
Hi and welcome to the board... My take on it is that she needs a friend. She needs to get her life back on track. Your doing what you can by being that friend and no pressuring her into a relationship. She is having to go back and try to right a lot of wrong to get herself to a good place and I think that is why she is sending the emails to let you know she does/did care but that is it. When she is ready you will know because she will begin dating now she is only focusing on herself which is what she is doing. Good luck.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:07pm
From personal experience I can tell you that relationships are hard to get back in the swing of. I mean the only thing that I can say is that she is probably genuinely confused. I do think that she has feelings for you but what you need to do is just let it unfold. Don't look for titles or labels. Embrace and enjoy the moment. You will know when the time is right to start asking about your future again and stuff. She probably is unsure b/c she has been hurt and so when she sees it falling into a routine she backs away. Just understand where she is coming from and don't turn the time you are together into arguments over where is this going or whatever. If what you both share is true she will be back in your arms soon enough. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:17pm

Thanks for the post. I wanted to post our text message convo that we just had.

Weird cause right when I posted this I got a text message from her. I sent her a text early in the day that said "I would like to take you to dinner tonight or tom...let me know if you would like to." She replied with "Cant tonight" So I came back with "Of thats fine.. Tom night it is..Call me later when your off work" I then get back..."Rk.. I dont want you getting attached so much...I cant do that. Im am ok right now and dont wanna hurt feelings 4 either of us" I come back with.. "Thats fine.. I guess we should stop this. I dont wanna hurt either of us either.. but I am not attached. The same way I treat you when were together is the same way I treat everyone." The final message from her was " No. Im saying we can hang out.. But I dont wanna feel pressure. Are you having a good day?"

Another thing for me is that if I get this job ...which Ill know by Friday.. I will go away for 3 months to Florida..7 hours away from her. That makes me think that any chance we have will be ruined.....And I guess im acting a little desparate. I dont wanna lose out on something because I go away for 3 months only to come back to her w someone else. Guess im acting a little immature about that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 4:30pm

I can totally relate. If she's unsure, you have a few choices. 1. walk away completely. 2. walk away, but don't close the door all the way, 3. give her an ultimatum to make a choice.

What you need to do is make a choice that you're comfortable with, and set some boundaries.

You simply asked her to dinner, and she's feeling pressured. However, I don't understand WHY you assumed tomorrow was a good day for dinner, when she responded that tonight was bad. By ASSUMING then "tomorrow it is", she doesn't have a choice. Next time, ASK HER WHEN she's available for dinner. And don't say, "I would like to take you to dinner". I'm sorry, but it's like you're asking her on a date. And if that was your intention, okay. If not, you need to ask in a friendly manner, like, "hey wanna go to dinner with me? we can go dutch". that way, she feels like it's two FRIENDS going.

if you want to wait for her, that's your choice, but realize, she may still need to go through more men, more heartache, to come back to you. Or that she may never return. So, I would suggest, you "move on". Close the door, but not all the way. Start moving on from her. Don't treat her like a gf, but treat her like a friend. do not "take her out to dinner", ask her to JOIN you for dinner.

As they say, if you love someone, let them go. Especially if they're confused and don't want to be with you right now. I kow it's tough to let her go, or to even just be her friend, but by being a true friend, who has no motives to want to be with her, is the best way to stay in her life....AS LONG as you can handle it. Be true to yourself about what you can handle....give yourself boundaries, and her too, and give her space.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:52pm

Thanks inkeddogmom. Really good advice. I was thinking the same thing about asking her you to go instead of... asking her to join. Just gotta be a little less blunt and foward about it. One thing that kinda makes me wonder.. is that I dont think she feels as much pressure as she says.. i think the BIGGER point is that she feels she may have stronger feelings for me that she doesnt want to admit. Some of the stuff shes been saying and how she has acted makes me feel that way. For instance... the first time Ive seen her in over 8 months.. and she asks me to JOIN..lol... her for dinner at a place she likes. We meet..had the best time you could sitting and chatting.. and I walked her to her car. In the past I would always kiss her on her forehead...just to say bye. I went to do this and she perked her lips...shocked me to say the least and we both laughed about it.

Its like this...when we are together...having a good time.. or having a great convo etc..shes more in tune with me and has feelings toward something more. But when we are apart or havent chatted in a bit.. her mind wonders and is thinking "Dont get hurt" Unfortunately.. the relationships she had AFTER me did this. i can honestly say ...depsite some name calling... NEVER hurt her. Im proud of that. The disrespected her.. cheated on her.. one even abused her...etc etc. But this was all news to me because I wasnt apart of her life when this went down.

Thanks again for the help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 6:32pm

One thing you may think about doing....is treating her how you would any female friend. If kissing your female friends on the forehead is normal, then okay. If not, don't even do that. If you don't hug your female friends, don't hug her. Treat her like she's ONLY a friend.

I'll be honest, the more I did that with my xbf, the more I treated him ONLY as a friend, didn't initiate converstation, didn't call him, just let him be, and if he contacted me, great.......the more he's been kinda pursuing me again. The more HE wants to hold me, kiss me, touch me, etc. And I usually allow it, however, I let HIM initiate it all.

And another thing....he'd try to kiss me on the lips, and I'd pull back and say, "don't kiss me unless you plan on being my bf, because it confuses me". And he jsut said sorry and stopped kissing me. Trust me, I can tell he wants to, but he doesn't. Boundaries.

Heck, you can tell HER that SHE is confusing YOU and that YOU need to set some boundaries on your weirdly defined r'ship. Being burned, I can relate. Being hurt. I can understand. Using them all as excuses to string you along.....turns to BS after awhile. I told my xbf, if you aren't sure, and you're scared, make a choice. Choose to figure out WHY you're scared and either come back or leave, or walk out of my life and stop hurting me with your confusion, or come back and work through it with me. Because honestly, SHE is NOT the only one hurting here. And I hope you let her know that HER confusion hurts you. And if she TRULY cared abot you, she'd do one of the above. Of course, you have to be ready and okay for her to say good-bye if that's what she chooses.

And that's what I told my xbf. If you truly love me as you say you do, then you wouldn't want to hurt me like you are. And, well.....we compromised.

So, make your own boundaries. I can't imagine for one moment that having a wonderful dinner with your x, then her wanting you to kiss her on the lips, and then having her tell you, "I don't want to be pressured" really confuses and hurts you more than she probably knows. And if she knows, then she should want to choose, so as not to hurt you anymore, if she wants to be with you or not, because she DOES care about you.

Hugs. You two are still fairly young and inexperienced. What she went through, most women go through in high school or after high school. She may never recover from her pain. And forever may be afraid. You ahve to ask yourself. At what point....does waiting become waiting tooooo long?

make your boundaries, set them, live by them. it's hard, but it's better. even if it hurts her because you wont' kiss her or even hug her anymore, that's too bad. it's not all about her, is it? oh yeah, and take that job in florida, or wherever it was. don't put your life completely on hold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 8:41pm
You have a good point....

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 11:06am

Update guys.

I got the job so I will go to FL for 10 weeks a month from now. So I would kinda like to be "un-confused" about all this.

Last night was a semi breakthrough. She came over my house for dinner (her idea). We had dinner... talked.. and watched some TV.. it was good. But when it got to the point where she sat next to me.. I froze. I didnt wanna "pressure" her and put my arm around her..rub her hand..etc.. I felt so stupid because I never had this problem with her. She seemed like she wanted me to ...but only wanted me to...to see if I would..get it?

Anyways.. night was over..even though overall it was good.. because of the last 20 mins.. I kinda freaked out a little. In a nice calm way I told her I think we should stop..For her good. I told her how odd I felt and I couldnt go on being like this around her. Just to weird for me. IM glad I said something.. cause we talked for over an hour...mostly me saying things and how I felt and her putting in a couple sentences. BY the time we were done we went from upset to happy and a sense of relief. We basically agreed that we dont know what we want..but still want to see each other. We also both agree that we never gave ourselves a fair try in working things out. She cried a little bit..more like tears of happiness..and we felt good about it. We talked about the boundaries and limits of what we were both comfortable with.

We also.. and most importantly..agreed to be more open and talk everytime we see each other. A HUGGGGGEEEE problem of hers is opening up..talking about her feelings and thoughts. Sometimes its shes scared how it will come out.. or how I will react..etc but mostly its the lack of knowing WHAT TO SAY...or to put into words how she feels. My question is how do I go about talking to her. I think Im more skilled at this then her so I dont mind taking the responsibility of initiating and helping her along. Its very tough for her but I know its essential for both of us...if we are going to work.

Thanks so much for being kind and helping us.

RK

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 12:33pm

How you can help her.....

Be sure you know how you react. Make sure your reactions are reflecting that no matter what she says, you'll still love/care about her, that you support her no matter what, and that you accept her.

To help her open up, you have to be open and willing to shut up. You said, when you talked, she only put in one or two sentences. I do that normally. However, now, I'm learning how to allow him to talk. Even if there's dead silence for 5 mins. I'll sit there and wait for him to talk, to express himself. Many times, my x just needed time to think. He's also getting better at stating that.

But, because of my reactions, because he feels like I'll support whatever he says and accept it, w/o trying to get him to change his mind, or w/o trying to tell him he's wrong, he feels able to talk to me more, w/o fear.

Granted, MUCH of her talking has to come from HER. She has to be willing to try and learn. I'll be honest, it took my x 3 years to be able to feel FREE to talk to me, and even at that, he's not as open as other men I have been with. But he's 100x better than before.

Patience is key. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 3:11pm

Thanks

Wondering if anyone has seen an article OPPOSITE of the link below. I searched but to no avail.

http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_79jcxw99,00.html

Title is 4 secrets to getting HIM to open up. I obvisouly need one thats for HER to open up.

Thanks Guys

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