trust???
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trust???
| Sat, 03-04-2006 - 7:05pm |
my bf and i have been together almost a year. The first two months of our relationship all he did was tell me how much he prefers older (30 plus) women who are blonde...i am 28 and brunette. I just recently found out that for the first 5 months he was talking to alot of other women online, sending them his picture, and text messaging with them and calling them, i found out by accident when he let me use his phone. We fought and he has now deleted that account, and says he will tell me, and show me any messages he gets from women...says he loves me and wants to marry me, but i dont know what to do...i am so hurt. Am i over reacting??? Should i forgive and forget????

I'll attack this in two different points because I see different issues.
>>The first two months of our relationship all he did was tell me how much he prefers older (30 plus) women who are blonde...i am 28 and brunette<<
I'd like more information on these conversations before I say too much. You say "ALL HE DID was...." which is obviously an exaggeration, so I'm wondering just how often he did say it. Also, in what context were the conversations? Did you ask him about his preferences, or did he thrust it in your face?
Also, if he said this often enough to bother you, why didn't you end the relationship then and then? Why didn't you tell him to go find an old blonde hag? (These aren't rhetorical questions - I'd like to know what you were thinking back then)
>>I just recently found out that for the first 5 months he was talking to alot of other women online, sending them his picture, and text messaging with them and calling them<<
This is hard to answer without knowing a little of your background and the discussions that you've had. Here in Australia, one assumes that the dating relationship is exclusive unless stated otherwise - continuing to search for others would be a deal breaker. However, in the US it appears that a couple is free to date others unless exclusivity (is that a word?) has been agreed upon.
Was he cheating on you - or were you not exclusive at the time?
sweetbelle2427...
PG agrees with iv aisha's comments 100%! But would also like to add a few of his own, if you don't mind?
For some couples, one year is plenty of time to get to know each other and plan a life together. But in YOUR SITUATION...I wouldn't rush the "let's get married" bit until the 2 of you are completely sure about each other? I'm talking "the fidelity issue"---which obviously bothers you!
While most couples argue from time to time, it's seems a little foolish (to me, anyway) to consider a lifetime with somebody you periodically argue with...or don't completely trust? So why not take a little more time (together) to eliminate the arguments and build up the security that's apparently missing on your side?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Sweetbelle,
I agree with piano guy, you need to build up that trust, and until then any talk of a future is totally out of the question.
Ive put myself in a situation with a guy, by dating him while he still had a girlfriend in his life. So basically he cheated on her to be with me. I didnt know in the beginning, and when I found out I should have walked away, but I didnt. I beleived we had something and someday it would all work itself out.
Well it worked out, shes gone now, Im still here, with him. But there is a price that I have paid for this. I have a difficult time feeling secure with our relationship. I generally hear from him everyday at least once a day. If I dont hear from him for a day or two, I right away let that panic come out, that little green monster appears. I cant get it out of my head, that if he cheated on her, he'll cheat on me too. I want to trust him completely. But honestly I dont.
You need to deal with this now head on. Dont put it on the back burner. If you and he have a committed relationship, then he needs to respect your feelings, and work to gain your trust back.
Had the two of you spoken about being exclusive during those first five months? If you had and he went out and tried to meet other women behind your back, then he has already proven that he is a liar and a cheat. That would be a definite deal-breaker for me.
If you never discussed those things though, then he may have just thought he was still allowed to shop around and see what else was out there before becoming more serious with you. If that's the case, you may not like the situation, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he is somebody who shouldn't be trusted.