trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
trust issues
3
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 10:01am

Okay I'm having some trust issues with my boyfriend. I'll first give a little background info on him to help explain the situation. We are both now 22 and about to graduate college. I didn't know him when he was in high school but back then he used to cheat on pretty much every girlfriend he had. He even had two girlfriends his freshmen year of college (one from back home and one at school). Well finally someone he loved cheated on him and it sort of woke him up and he realized how bad it feels to get your heart broken like that. (Sad that he had to experience it in order to get it I know.)

So then about a year and a half later, we met and eventually started dating. We have been together now for two years. Well about a year ago, we broke up for about four months. During this time we never really stopped seeing each other. We were off and on, together but not together during that time. Hopefully that makes sense. Well we both did some things we shouldn't have. He kissed another girl, and I kissed a guy as well as had my first (and last) one night stand. There was also a rumor about him that he slept with someone during that time. That he had gone home a time or two and had sex with some girl from back home and never told me, even though we would still see each other, and sleep together. That was a big issue with me because although I had done the same, I at least told him, and we worked through it. I confronted him and he said it wasn't true. To make this story here a little shorter I'll just say that his reasons or proof for it being just a rumor were very convincing. What he told me made it hard to believe that it could really have happend. Plus the source of the rumor isn't exactly a reliable one. He still maintains to this day that it never happend, and believe me, we've had plenty of talks and arguments about it.

Okay so on top of the rumor, he also has issues with little white lies. Nothing major, just things like he'll say he can't come over because he has homework, but in reality he wants to play video games. But sometimes he'll lie about who calls him when I ask. He'll tell me it's his roommate or something, but it's really a girl he's friends with that I don't know. When I catch him he insists that they're just friends. He says he lies sometimes about that sort of thing because he's had so many girlfriends that get pissed at him for stuff like another girl calling that he lies to avoid an argument. But I've told him that its not fair to hold his ex girlfriend's craziness against me because I'm not them. And that he should give me a chance to see how I react to the truth before assuming that I'll get mad, because his lies only make the calls look suspicious.

We've been in quite a few arguments over the past few years about my trust issues and his lying. I'm really tired of having the same converstation over and over again. But he will still tell a little lie from time to time. It's getting to the point where I don't know if I can take it anymore. We got into a fight about it last Friday. We discussed it again and it even made him cry. He understands why I can't trust him (lies and rumors) but he maintains that he has never cheated, nor has he had any romantic interest in another girl since we've been together. He cried about it because he wants to stop but its almost like he's lied to girls for so long that its become a habit and he can't stop. I told him if I catch him in any more lies, that will be the end of us. He says he's going to stop and he's going to be honest with me because he wants us to be happy again, and so do I. We both love each other very much and we both want this to work.

My problem is that I don't know if I'll be able to forget about the rumor. I also don't want to freak out inside every time his phone rings. But at the same time, I don't know if I even have the right to think these things because even if he did sleep with the girl, I slept with someone too. The reason why I'm thinking about this so much lately is that on Saturday we saw the girl he supposedly slept with. So all the memories came back to me. He's appologized many times that I had to go through all of this but there isn't anything he can do to take back what's already been said.

What should I do here? I want to be with him but the issues with lies and the rumor are really getting to me lately. But at the same time I'm not ready to break up with him, I still love him. Plus it would kill me to discover down the road that he never did sleep with the girl and all of my issues were all in my head. I do over analyze everthing, and think about stuff way too much. What do you all think about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
In reply to: ernie83
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:59am
You went into this relationship not trusting him because of his past history. If after two years you still don't trust him then I doubt you ever will if you just continue dealing with it the way that you have.. He does seem to have a problem with being honest, and blames his behavior on how other women reacted to his past behavior. A good realtionship has to be based on trust or it is doomed. If he isn't willing to work on this problem with you, and continues to just keep making excuses for his dishonest behavior instead of finding ways to change it, then you are going to have to live with your doubt or end it with him. The problem won't just go away. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: ernie83
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 12:34pm

All I can say is this. My dbf has done the same thing. And even had a slip up too. And although i have forgiven the slip up, due to the circumstances, his little white lies eroded our trust.

I am, at this point, at the crossroads, because I don't know if he can change that part of him. If he can't be honest about little things, it just sits in the back of my mind, what BIG things can he lie about?

White lies, or half-truths, are still lies. And they erode any foundation of a r'ship. If he can't fix that now, you're doomed, or you have to get over it.

I can't. So, bf is willing to work on it. He's trying. So far, so good. Is your bf willing to fix it? Change it? If not, you'll have to either accept that he can't be honest with you over minute things because of his x's, or you will eventually have to end it.

If you're not ready, you're not ready. I'm not either. But if it doesn't get fixed, it will get worse.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: ernie83
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:37pm

I've dealt with similar issues and all I can tell you is what worked for me.

I'm pretty sure my fiance still tells me little white lies from time to time, beacsue he's afraid of "getting in trouble" even though I haven't given him any reason to believe he would "get in trouble" if he were honest with me. Graduall the little white lies have become fewer and further between. But it's something he'll probably to the rest of our lives. I've learned to accept that.

I've accepted it becasue there never has been an evidence of any bigger lies.

So he doesn't always mention it when he's talked to one of his female friends. I don't always mention every converstaion I have with one of my single male friends either. So he doesn't seem to want me to meet one particular female friend, on that score I've given him plenty of reason to think it could mean a conforntation and I understnad him wanting to avoid it.

The bottom line is he loves me and I know this becasue it is EXTREMELY obvious in both his words and actions. The occassional small lie to avoid conflict doesn't change that.

I'm not saying I don't wish he'd get over it all already. I mean, really, he's a grown men and yet occassionally he reverts to being a six year old with his hand caught in the cookie jar and when I'm having a bad day that REALLY annoys. BUT, I love him and he loves me, no sense throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Ulitmiately, you have to trust though. Even though he tells these white lies and leaves out information from time to time, ulitmately I DO trust him. I trust that he loves him and will never intentionally hurt me or do something he thinks could hurt me. I trust that I am the most important person in his life and he would never knowingly jeopardize our relationship. I have faith in him and in us. And realistically there is a lot more evidence to support that then to support that I have reason to believe he's lieing to me about anything big.

If you can't get over it, you can't, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it would be wrong to try to have a relationship when you don't have trust. It just doesn't work. To love you have to have faith and you can't have faith without trust.

Try focusing on the good and on all the reasons and evidence there is that you can trust him and that he does love you and value your relationship and all the ways he shows he would never put that at risk. It isn't being foolish to give as much credence to the good as to the bad. Right now your focusing on all the reasons you have toy NOT trust him. Give the reasons you have TO trust him a chance to win you over.