Trust your gut - always or sometimes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Trust your gut - always or sometimes?
10
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 8:20pm

Hi Everyone,

I am in a situation that I'm not clear what to think. I have been engaged to a man who is almost 40 (I'm in my early 30's), and we're scheduled to move in together in the next month. We have been through so much and there have been some really rough times. Things have been pretty good for a while. I've questioned moving forward with this man who claims to love me to the ends of the earth, and we have a child together. Our past issues have been around how I've been treated (he's really whipped the rug out from underneath me a few times - so to speak) and also has been dishonest with me a few times. There's more, but I hope you get my point.

Over the last while I've been literally torn up inside. I'm giving up my apartment and moving into his home. My gut has been all over the place. One thing that I wonder is that do these feelings sometimes stem from fear? Or is it my intuition telling me that this is not the place where I need to be in my life? How do you seperate all these feelings to truly understand if they are stemming from a place to guide you, or just based on reservations and fear?

Any advice and comments are appreciated!

S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:41am
I'm not in your situation or I don't know what you have gone through in this relationship, but I would say to trust your gut instinct always. Even though I don't do it sometimes and I've paid the price for not doing it. I would say if you have a little bit of normal fear about not knowing what's going to happen and what the future holds then chalk it up to just being fear but if you have a deep down, nagging feeling inside like your gut is trying to tell you something constantly then listen to it and don't go forward with moving in and marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 12:23pm

sheeka_t....

Pianoguy suggests you "go with your gut" if the change isn't something you're completely comfortable with. !

Here's something to keep in mind.

When you move in with a partner (via marriage, fwb or for some other reason)...you're relinquishing your "singleness!" In other words...the comfort zone you had alone for such a long time...will be exchanged for another person. The transition is easy for some and incredibly difficult for others.

And yes..."the fear factor" does come into play here!

If you truly have questions about a person's honesty, behavior, or some other habit that bothers you....ASK THE QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU MOVE! If you want to put things "on hold" for a little longer...DO IT!

There are some of us who have grown so comfortable living on our own that "sharing our space with someone else" terrifies the hell out of us! This doesn't mean the task is impossible...but that our "transition" will take us much longer than our partner expects?
So if you feel this is a possibility in your case...you better sit down with your "new roomie" and clear the air NOW!

Once the move is completed....then it's too late!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 9:52pm

Thanks Pianoguy and Biochic for your great advice! It never stops amazing me how clear things are to those who view it from the outside, and when you're in it, it seems so complex and overwhelming. I think Pianoguy is on to something when he mentions giving up one's singleness. I now realise that I've been independent for so long that I'm stressed at the fact of sharing my space with someone else. The adjustment period will take a little longer for me and I know it.

I know I still have time to decide and perhaps more communication with my bf will help me answer and possibly eliminate these feelings. If not, then perhaps I need to put things on hold for a while longer.

Thanks!!
S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:28am

Communication is always a good thing and so is trusting your gut.

I just thought I'd mention something about my experience with gut feelings. For me, my gut feelings alwyas make themselves known in my body. Knowing that my intuition is connected ot my body has helped me sort through surface feelings and get to what my gut is trying to tell me. Meditation can be a great tool for this, if oyu cna meditate. Personally I'm not so good at meditating. So, I've sort fo come up with my own personal version.

I sit down and I write about my feelings and my options and I pay attention to how my body feels as a go through that process. When it feels good or bad, when my shoulders get tense, when I relax, when I feel warm and fuzzy, when I relax, etc. Sometimes I'll go backa dn read what I've written after I've slpet on it a couple of nights. Usually, I see things more clearly. Often it becomes clear that I was making excuses in one direction but believed strongly in the other and sometimes those are the reverse of what I thought they would be.

When I was first dating my husband I dealt with some MAJOR trust issues, issues that were exacerbated by certain things he did. I was absolutely terrified of falling for him and I was coming up with every excuse in the book to run away; but, never did end things. I would right and I would find that in spite of how terrified I was of staying it just didn't feel right to go. My brain, the thing I relied on most throughout my life, kept telling me to be afraid and to run away, but for some reason, my gut kept telling me to stick it out.

After a while it became clear to me that it wasn't my BRAIN telling me to be afraid at all, it was my baggage, my past, and fears of repeating my past mistakes. I discovered that fear often disguises itself as logic and as something smart to feel and something to listen to. The thing is our fears can often be unfounded, as mine were.

The only way to tell if your fears are founded is to listen to your gut. IF on the surface you are terrified, but your gut tells you your safe, it's probably right. And likewsie for the reverse. If you're making excsues and trying to logic away your fears, but underneath you're scared and you just can't shake it, then chances are your gut is trying to tell you your fear is justified and you should run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:34pm
Personally I truly believe we always know what the right thing to do is...the hard part is doing it. If you are having this much doubt, you know this isn't right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:50pm

For myself, I didn't listen to my instincts, and when I did, it felt like the most wrong thing to do. Sooo....in order for me to figure out what was going on.....as you said, is it fear or your gut, i simply started talking to myself (journal, blog, etc).


I asked myself.......why do i want out? Is it him? Is it certain things about him? Is it me? What do I fear? Am I fearing being close, too open, too vulnerable? What are my fears?


Most of my fears was not trusting my guy. So then I asked myself, if he changed his attitude or was willing to work on this and change this and that, would I want to be around? Would I stay? Would things be okay? Of course, he'd have to actually want to change, and change in order for me to actually go back with him (as I broke things off).


In the end, I realized a few things. 1. I was afraid to truly be vulnerable to him and trust him 100%. It wasn't just him, it would've and has been any guy. So, I had to learn to let go of that fear. 2. He needed to change, period. In order for me to go back to him. 3. I needed to change certain things about me, that made him do things, which made me do things (the whole catch-22 bit).


But if you look at it.........had I not been afraid to begin with, he probably wouldn't have reacted to my being critical and overbearing. Had I actually be accepting and open, he would've wanted to be more open with me.


In the end, I followed everyone's advice, and what I thought was right, and what I thought was my gut.........that I needed to end things with my BF. I regreted my choice a week later. I ended things with him because things weren't working as I wanted them to, and because I was afraid to accept him and to truly love and trust him and allow him to love me. He and I talked during our 3 months apart, and we both realized something big. We are both afraid, but we wanted it to work, so we both knew we had to change. We changed. Things are 100x better. I am completely not afraid, I don't question if I should be with him or not.


Was my gut right? Yes and no. Yes because at the time, things were bad and it needed to end. No, because I regretted my decision and it had nothing to do with being lonely, etc. I went back to him, was that right in my gut. Yes. Especially because we both realized we needed to change some.


So, it's time for you to ask yourself. If your guy was the same as he is now, forever (which isn't usually the case), would you be happy years from now? Figure out your fears. Is it him, the marriage, not being single, etc (as pianoguy stated)? If you could ask him to change, to make you feel more secure, what would it be? Is that something he can do? Would he be willing? Etc.


And in the end, if you're still fearful, I highly suggest pre-marital counseling. Now that can truly be a great third party POV. :) Good luck. Self-reflection is good for the soul. I hope my story made some sense.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 12:10am

to me it sounds like he doesnt really make you happy... maybe since you have a child you are having mixed emotions. i dont have a child so i am not sure. however if i was in your situation without a child (and i was) i would have wished i knew ahead of time that being under the same roof will not make us closer. in fact it made us further apart.

you and your child come first here. if you cant be happy then your child cant be happy and i dont think i have to be a mom to know that.

take care and best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2006
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 5:41pm
Always always always trust your gut/heart. The times you listen to your head are always the ones that you regret xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 6:04pm

<< Always always always trust your gut/heart. The times you listen to your head are always the ones that you regret xx >>

Actually, IMO, listening to your head isn't always a bad idea ... that's where the LOGIC comes into play. The heart, on the other hand, is where we tend to get in trouble ... because it's all about feelings and emotions. Finding that balance between the head and heart is KEY.

There really isn't anything of a "/" in the gut/heart equation. Your gut is your instincts. Not the same as your heart. And rarely are our instincts wrong. But, the heart can be clouded in a shroud of feelings, that's where we tend to put our blinders on, the proverbial "rose colored glasses" ... kwim?

Trust your gut? Yes. It's often the deciding factor between the conflicts of the head and heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 10:24pm

Thanks so much for all the insight. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I do believe a lot of my reservation stems from fear, but the fear is based on logic too - that we've had some ups and downs and I've been compiling it all in my head and fear it will happen again. He's claimed that he will be a better man, and has taken many steps to try and show me this. He wants nothing more than to be a real family, under one roof, and "get on with our lives together."

What you mentioned about your issues with Trust I can relate to. You made me think if it's also to do with my own personal baggage too, which I suspect may play a portion of the role in this. I wonder too, if my perception of my ideal relationship and how this relationship has not gone the way I had wanted from the beginning, plays a role in my unsettledness. I think I'm going to start journalizing to try and come up with some answers.

As some have mentioned about listening to your gut and going with it, I agree to that too. That's why I waited over a year after having our child to take this step and move in. My gut has just been telling me to be careful and be sure things are right for me and our daughter.

I have some serious soul searching to do.

Thanks a million for all the great advice.

S.