Trying to control him/relat. too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Trying to control him/relat. too much
12
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:10am

Do you think that women try and control men and their relationships too much, interrupting the natural flow of emotion and physical actions?


I myself am VERY guilty of this in the past, always wanting my man to have a certain reaction, say just the right thing, take the right course... and it cause a lot of heartache and strife for prob no good reason!!!


Any advice for ladies who do this on how to let go of the control and just enjoy what they are given?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:26am

Lemme put it this way. My therapist just recently told me to stop steering the ship and let it drift for awhile.


So yeah. BIG TIME guilty here. lol






my pet!

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 3:04pm
Oh, yeaaaaah. But why do we do this?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 3:18pm
Relationships are give and take unless its bothering you to the point of a meltdown, I would suggest to let it go. Enjoy each others company. There will be plenty of arguments worth fighting for in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 3:25pm
I wouldn't call myself a control freak but I do enjoy being in control. I have been dating people this past 4 yrs and they have all let me be in control. My FWB I called when I wanted him and never let him have that consideration. All the time it has to be on my time. Like right now, I haven't saw Patrick in a week and since he did not call me all Friday untill late Sat. I am frustrated so what am I doing. I am manipulating the situation so I can get my way. Yes, I know it is wrong and after
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:21pm

LOL - my therapist told me the same thing! she told me that any time i would catch myself getting anxious about the future, or trying to "steer the ship" as you say - that i should just STOP and tell myself to STOP

and ya know what? it worked! the stress my bf and i were under 9 months ago about where our future was going was just completely unnecessary (he was almost as much to blame as me..lol...we are so alike). once we both just decided to let go and enjoy what we have, things have been so great!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 7:17am

If you know you shouldn't do it why do you let yourself do it? If you know it isn't healthy and it's manipulative and counter productive, just don't do it.

I know it isn't quiet that easy, but you have to start someplace. Maybe you wont be able to stop yourself everytime, but if you just throw your hands in the air everytime and give in and say, "I can't help it." You're just letting yourself be a victim of your own compulsions. At some point you have to admit that if you can't stop you no one can and start TRYING to make yourself stop it even if you don't succeed in stopping everytime.

Every time you ARE successful and you DO head off that destructive behavior your that much closer to never doing it again. But if you just shrug and give and say, "Oh well, I can't help myself. I'll never change." Well then, you never will. You'll just making the same mistakes over and over.

You may not be able to help having the urge but you absolutley can make yourself stop acting on it and the less you act on the urge the less often you'll have it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 8:34am
I agree and I know that, it is just sometimes as you said I slipped. This time I know I did but it is like I have gotten this far so I am going to finish but I am working on this because it is destructive.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:57am

"he who loves least controls the relationship".... a quote from my handy dandy 1,000 Paths to Love book!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:15am
Well, I am following that advice. I talked to Patrick yesterday and eased up a bit and noticed his reaction was light hearted and he wasn't so defensive. So I am throwing my oars down and just follow the motion of the ocean.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:21am
Yes, if I could totally control things I would want my gfriend to react a certain way, show affection when I want it and whatever. But that is impossible and actually undesirable. My ex kept trying to control things and would never listen to how i was feeling and it drive me crazy and drove me away. This is why even though when my gfriend doesn't sometimes call or write or show affection (which isn't too often) I don't get upset with her and I just let it be and figure that it will be okay. Although as I have mentioned I get insecure and it is more my issue than hers. But i wouldn't want her showing affection just because I asked for it anyway. She should want to do it.

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