two guys... HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
two guys... HELP!!!
4
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 3:30pm

Okay. I apologize upfront for this being a little lengthy, but I need to explain my situation with both guys so that I can get some advice. What you are about to read seems so far-fetched, but this is real, and it is happening to me. I need advice, desperately, and I can't ask my girl friends because all are friends with at least one of the two guys involved, so I figured this would be the most unbiased way to go. Eh hem:

GUY ONE:
I met Adam on the internet when I was 12. He lived in New Jersey and I lived in New Hampshire. We kept in touch for 10 years, at which time I happened to move to New York City to pursue a career in advertising. We met for the first time last November, and after knowing each other's personalities for so long, we just clicked. He has been my boyfriend ever since. Now it's not so much his looks, and I don't find him to be incredibly 'sexy,' but he's nice, he's been a loyal friend to me for 11 years now, he makes me laugh, and we know everything about each other. However, throughout this past year of knowing each other, I've noticed habits of his that drive me up the wall. He talks in baby voices sometimes, even after I have told him that it annoys me, and he's sooo overprotective of me (which is in his nature I guess, he's a State Trooper). He used to do sweet spontaneous things for me, but doesn't anymore, which I guess comes with all relationships. The big thing about Adam is that he is very religious (as am I) and I took his virginity about 8 months ago, when he was 23. He loves me more than anything, and wants to propose this summer.

GUY TWO:
I first saw Shane about three months ago, when I went to interview for the job I have now. It was a second interview, so naturally, it was at a different office about half an hour away, with another manager. When I walked into the office, our eyes met and we sort of knew the other one was attracted to us, without even saying anything. He said hi, asked why I was there, offered to get the manager, etc. As I left the interview, he said goodbye to me, and I said goodbye as I walked out the door. After I left, which I heard from my now-friend Sherryl, who works in his office, Shane said "Man, I hope she gets hired... she could very well be the most beautiful woman ever, there's just something about her." Well sure enough, I got hired, but at a different office, so he didn't know. I saw him again at a charity function our offices were having last Friday. I recognized him, so I went over to say hi. We all went out for drinks, and I talked to Shane pretty much the whole time. We have all the same interests, and his hobbies and outlook on life are so interesting (he is training to be a pilot, he studies marine biology in his spare time, he interned at Six Flags just to study the structure of roller coasters... and we're in the financial industry, mind you). I also guessed a lot of things correctly about him. I just felt like I knew him already. I even guessed his pet chinchilla's name on the first try... "Baxter." (When does that ever happen? Seriously.) I have been e-mailing him back and forth throughout the week, and he remembered that I liked a certain hard-to-find artist that he liked as well, because he overnighted me a copy of a CD he made of just that artist, to my attention at work. He is just spontaneous and mysterious like that. I saw him again at another work function last night. He kept flirting with me and maintaining eye contact, and it was just so exhilirating. Even the way he looks is my description of the perfect guy.

Shane and I were the last ones to leave the restaurant, and he walked me to my car. I had no idea how late it was, and I was an hour late meeting my boyfriend. My boyfriend apparently tried calling me but my phone was on silent, and he got worried so he came straight to the restaurant to make sure I was alright. (This was kind of stalkerish of my boyfriend, but it goes with the whole 'overprotective' thing.)

Well just as my boyfriend pulled up, Shane leaned in to give me a goodnight kiss. And my boyfriend SAW IT. My boyfriend ran over and ripped Shane off of me and slammed him to the ground. He told Shane to stay away from me, never talk to me ever again, to get in his car and leave now, etc. So Shane did. So here I was, first time EVER cheating on a boyfriend (let alone my current boyfriend), and my boyfriend WITNESSED it.

Now today, my boyfriend Adam gave me the ultimatum, and said I had to choose between him or Shane, that I could never talk to Shane ever again if I wanted to continue to date Adam, and so on. So now I am in a bind. My conscience tells me to never talk to Shane again, and try to repair things with Adam, who I've known for so many years. Yet deep inside, I really want to be with Shane, because I am much more mentally, physically and sexually attracted to him and he just makes me feel alive.

Now both guys want to be with me, and both admit to either falling in love with me or "starting" to fall in love with me. So what do I do? Do I go with Adam, because it is a sure thing, and I've known him for so long? Or do I go with Shane, the one who sweeps me off my feet and makes me feel things I never felt with Adam? Or neither? I know after cheating, I don't deserve to be with either of them.

HELP! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 7:36pm

You should take a step back and really think about what you want. Why did you cheat on your boyfriend? Did you not feel fulfilled in some way, or was the other guy's adoration for you too flattering to you to pass up?

You're not married yet, so you should do what is best for you. If you stay with your longterm boyfriend, it should be because you are giving him your whole heart and soul and effort. But that doesn't seem to be quite what you want.

Perhaps you should put both guys on hold until you figure out your own heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 10:58pm

I'll give you my two cents from your words and account of events, this is what I see.

You are with Adam more out of familiarity and habbit than an actual desire to be with him. He's so much of your past, and because you have a history of friendship, you're putting too much of that into foundation for a relationship. While it's true that the best relationships start out as friends, they can't soley be based on that either, and it sounds like yours is. You two are all history, familiarity, and habbit. ALSO, you say "over protective", I say controling verging on abusive. If he said the things he said, and you aren't exaggerating, then I don't see over protective, I see massive red flags.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 11:46pm
Comfort vs. unsure future- lol.
Okay so guy one is your best friend and he is the one that forgives everything you will ever do because you can never do anything wrong. And guy two is risky, he is somebody who doesnt know you too well but he isnt demanding and is truely infatuated with you. Wow, the kind of attention you havent recieved from anybody in a long time!! I will tell you that you have two sides of the token here- missy. You can either dump what you do have and go through the emotional rollercoaster you are already on but worse, or you can have somebody that you think is exciting and want to be with at the time being- ( after the blinders fade on both sides- they arent the same) You have a dilema.
What I think you should do is, do exactly what I did with my 8 year relationship- ( same situation)
Spend some more time with guy number 2 ( on a friend basis) and if you feel like he is somebody you would like to know more extentivley, go for the jump.
I would tell guy number 1 that you need some time off from the relationship because you need to figure out where you are going with him. Maybe move out if that is the next step ( insinuating you are both living together). He will be somewhat hurt if you dont play a positive role or make him feel comforted at the same time. If he wants you bad enough and it's meant to be, he will be there for you later. Note: He will notice your distance while spending time with " your friends". So it wont be a surprize to him that you are backing away for a while.
Then you will feel free enough to move on and check out your guy number 2 for a while. Okay so this takes a couple of months. However, you will start to see the same bad habits in this one and that life does look greener on the other side of the fence. But atleast you will feel good with yourself, knowing you didnt try and drop one for the other right before their very eyes. And if guy number 2 is the one after all is said and done, you have the obligation to end number 1 entirely- hopefully he will still want friendship- GOD! Relationships are so complex!! However if number 1 doesnt want to come back you are stuck single, and single isnt so bad. You will eventually open up and find somebody else and hopefully not stuck in the same situation. Because we all learn from our past relationships and eventually figure out what is right for us so that we never have to question it again. Hope I helped! stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 3:28pm

Wow, you girls have been such a tremendous help! I didn't expect to get NEARLY as much help from this as I did. You are all right, and I have decided to put my relationship/friendship/whatever-ship with Adam on hold for awhile, in hopes of getting to know Shane a little better, and more importantly, getting to know myself a little better. It will be a great time to grow as a person, and I intend to use this time wisely. Meanwhile this snowglobe of emotions will hopefully let all the snow settle so I can see a clear picture of the situation.

In the meantime, maybe I will realize, in getting to know Shane, that he's not really that intriguing after all. When meeting a new guy, he's never going to say "Hi, my name is Shane, I tend to stay up too late on the computer, my kitchen is always a mess, I'm afraid of commitment, I let my mom run my life, and I have an STD." (Just a hypothetical.) When we first meet someone, we always put our best foot forward and try to make the best impression we can. We don't find out any quirks or negatives about a person until we really get to know them more. This might be the reason Shane seems so perfect right now. I don't know him yet!

And if I think about it that way, Adam may not be all that bad. I know him, inside and out, and if my only complaints are the ones I mentioned, then he's actually doing pretty well! I don't even want to think about all my quirks and negatives that HE has to deal with... but again, time will tell, and after a break from Adam and getting to know Shane a little more, I think it will be a lot easier to decide what to do. The grass is always greener, and maybe, that holds true here, too. Thanks again to all of you! :)