ugh...I HATE the uncertainty
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| Sun, 04-23-2006 - 1:17pm |
I met my first love 3.5 years ago during high school. I went to college and he got deployed in the military overseas. I've seen him twice in 2.5 years. We've managed to stay in contact and I consider him one of my bestest friends. We were not together due to being in different continents but we talked about a future together often. In October, he sorta asked me to marry him. He did the hypothetical "If I asked you to marry me RIGHT NOW what would you say" over the phone. I said "no, I can't marry you RIGHT NOW b/c of school obligations but I will in 2 years when I graduate". A few weeks later he told me he was marrying this other girl he had met while on vacation for a couple weeks and then talked to over the phone for 3 months. I was really hurt and I know that not everybody marries for love and figured that the main reason he wanted to get married RIGHT NOW is b/c he is soo lonely, since he complained about his loneliness to me often, and he hardly even knew anything about this girl. They got married in Jan. (no ceremony, just signed some papers) and I tried to do do the right thing and break off my friendship with him because I knew my feelings for him were forever, and I got the vibe that his feelings for me were the same. Well, that didn't work because neither one of us truely wanted to stop talking to each other.
At the beginning of his marriage we agreed that nothing would happen between us and we were just friends. But now, almost 4 months into his marriage, he has admitted (surprise) he still loves me, that nobody can ever replace the bond we have and that still wishes to marry me one day (I presume after I graduate as he was asking me about this). He has started calling me a lot more. I even think he went out and bought a computer so he could talk to me more often (I asked him how often he gets to use a computer, he said he was going to wait until he moved to another base to buy one, and then a few days later he was online and told me he just bought a computer...) I feel ambiguous about this because I love him so much, I haven't met anybody who can compare to him here at college and I just want to be with him. I love him, flaws and all. But he is married and I absolutely don't want to be in an affair or any of that nonsense. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose him because his friendship means so much to me, but like I said I'm not about to get involved in some affair. I don't know how to bring up how I am feeling about things to him. What should I do? Does anybody really think this could work out between him and I if he married his wife for the wrong reasons or am I just living one big fantasy?

I think you're living in one big fantasy!!!
You need to cut off all contact with him. Tell him to contact you if and when his divorce is final.
Of course, a man who would do what he's doing with you while married won't hesitate to do the same thing TO you if you DO end up with him...do you really WANT someone with such poor character and values?
If he has such strong "feelings" for you then he needs to do the right thing and end his marriage.
Sheri
UGH, this is not good ... very unhealthy for you to be holding onto these thoughts of him ... but, here goes:
Cut off all communication with him. That's the only way you'll be able to move on, and let got of this pipedream you have of being with him.
Yes, it will be hard. Very hard, but if you want to do the right thing, that's what you have to do.
Whether you want to admit it or not, you already are having an affair with him. He's having an online relationship with you, an emotional affair, professing his love to you and saying that he wants to marry you someday.
News flash for him: "buddy, you're already married."
Sure, you came first. But, he chose to marry her. That was his choice. He has to live with that. The most respectful thing you could do is step OUT of the picture.
It doesn't matter if he married out of loneliness, convenience or some other "wrong" reason ... he's married to someone else. And, the fact that he married someone he barely knew ... and the fact that he presented this "would you marry me if I asked right now?" question ... means that he is not a well-balanced, healthy person. He's looking to fill some sort of void, that's pretty obvious.
Please, do the right thing and let him know that it would be best for both of you if you didn't talk anymore ... he's married now. End of story.