unrequited lust and love

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
unrequited lust and love
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 12:46pm

I can never get him fully off of my mind. I don't know what it is about him that I find so enticing. I haven't even seen or talked to him for 10 months now. Why is he always on my mind? When will this end? It's horrible.

I can't say I'm in love with him. All we had was a weekend fling. We were friends on facebook but I had to delete him because of my obsession with reading about him and looking at his pictures. I did really good- I went 6 weeks without look at his profile. Today I made a bad decision and did for the first time in this long. I was doing so well too.

I've dated and been with other men since him. He's just always, always on my mind. I tell myself we will never be together, but my crazy feelings just won't go away. When will it end? :o(

Please anyone give me advice on how to make this go away. I hate wasting my thoughts and energy on him. I dream about him all the time, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 1:24pm

I have been caught up in the throws of obsessing over somebody before as well. It's easy to get caught up in it when you don't really see or speak to the person because then you can build them up in your mind to be as perfect as you want them to be. You don't have to confront their flaws like you would if you were dating the person. You can let them grow in your mind to seem as perfect or as mystical as you want them to be.

What I've found that's really helped me to get over somebody in that situation is to try to find their flaws and keep focusing on them. Nobody's perfect. There's always something that could be better about the other person, even if it's just minor things. If you keep thinking about those things, eventually the other person starts to lose their appeal.

Another thing that helps me is if I can find somebody else to transfer the feelings on to. Just seeing other men may not be enough. You need to find the things that are appealing in another man and keep focusing on those. If you keep your mind on what's better about another guy and what's worse about your crush, then eventually your crush stops seeming better than all the other men out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 1:44pm

Thank you. Thats really good and creative advice regarding the thinking and transferring of the thoughts.

I have to be honest though. I was so excited when I met this guy. The very first time I saw him, there was instant like. Our first kiss was the best I've ever had. There are so many things I like about him- so many.

But of course he has his flaws too. And a weekend fling does not equal really knowing a person. I guess it's also the mystery of not figuring him out, not being able to explore the possible connection that constantly hangs over me.

I have just not met anyone who I've found so compelling since. All the other guys just cannot compare, and I honestly haven't found them to be interesting...

But I will take your advice for the men I meet in the future. I just hate feeling like I'm wasting time being stuck on someone when the truth is there could be someone else really wonderful out there. How do I realize this hope, and live with a different perspective?

Thanks again, you gave great advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 5:50pm

I recall someone I was a little obsessed about back in college. It consumes your thoughts, your mind runs wild with all the "what ifs." It's not healthy, and you are right to not want to waste anymore energy thinking about this.

Usually when I get an 'obsession' (I'm saying this very lightly, and not in a severe clinical sense) I have noticed I'm distracting myself from something. I'm procrastinating or trying to avoid something else in my life. This is almost always the case! Maybe this is the case for you. You could try to tackle that issue head on or figure out what is it that needs work. Your esteem? Your job? Your general outlook? Your health?

A great, quick read on love and myths is "Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis. It's really good about showing what you should be looking for if love is your goal, and what you should be avoiding.

Another silly tactic that can work is STOP thinking. Any time you find yourself starting to think about him, you can yell STOP outloud or in your head, then quickly turn your mind to a happy pleasant thought or activity you enjoy. Or you could start do to push ups or squats really fast! I had to do this when I couldn't stop obsessing about the poor dying animals after Hurricane Katrina. The ones that were all left behind. It consumed me for a good month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 8:55pm

I have no advise for you except to tell you I've been there and you're not alone.

Sometimes it's something about a particular person that just draws us and then you can't shake it.

I like everyone else's advise as well.

You'll get through it with time.