Unsatisfied

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Unsatisfied
22
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:50am

I need to get some opinions on my love life. I'm not going to my friends as they are all married now and having kids or trying to have kids and are all just wishing I'd hurry up and do the same. This is my first time here. I'm 28 and a professional. I'm in a relationship now with a man whom the best description I have is lukewarm. I've had a few long term relationships in the past and this one is coming up on 8 months. I guess I'm wondering if people out there settle? This man is great in that he's very attentive and caring. On the down side is that he's not as sexual as I am and he's not very interesting. His past is almost squeaky clean whereas I sowed many wild oats in the past.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks so much

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: canada_chick
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:31pm

canada_chick...


Pianoguy can only offer his opinion......but settling usually happens when a person is either afraid or doesn't want to be alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: canada_chick
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:33pm

The big red flag is "he's not very interesting". Why on earth would you want to spend your life with someone like that?

I'm 32 and I do not plan on settling. Most of my high school and college friends are already married, too.

The sexual incompatibility is another red flag. Depending on your cultural values (in the USA there is a big emphasis on sexual compatibility) then it can be the foundation for a future affair where your sexual needs are met. It's shakey ground at best... although some married couples rarely have sex at all due to time constraints so sometimes older people downplay sexual compatibility.

Personally, I think sexual compatibility is very important because this is the ONE AND ONLY person with whom you have sex. lol I don't plan on settling when it comes to that.

I say you are fundamentally not compatible and you should move on to greener pastures.

As for having children at this time in your life.... to me, it sounds difficult to remain married to someone who is boring and sexually incompatible. Unless you think he'd make a good ex-husband for your children.. ?

~atlantics~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: canada_chick
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:27pm

You both have made very good points. I am feeling that clock tick and am at that point where I need to realize that the guy I want probably doesn't exist. And it's better to end up with someone that's kind and considerate and who will be a good dad to future children? right? I have dated alot and what usually ends up happening is the non-threatening, good to me, guys don't keep my attention whereas the ones who are totally the wrong type are the ones who I lust after. Do you think I am being immature? I enjoy the chase more than the relationship. My boyfriend and I are so different sometimes - he has no imagination whatsoever and I am very outgoing.

I should mention that I've never been married, no kids and I believe in the traditional definition of marriage. I don't cheat and won't get divorced when I do marry.

This stuff is so hard!!! This man loves me and thinks I am the world - last night I was rolling my eyes at him in bed (he couldn't see) - I don't know how to fix me!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: canada_chick
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 8:55pm
I know what you mean about the biological clock thing. I am 29 and hear it ticking all the time too. However, I don't think you should settle if you are not happy. If you don't really enjoy spending time with this man then maybe you should reconsider being with him. Just because he truley loves you doesn't mean you need to stay. I think what the other poster suggested about making a list is a great idea. If he doesn't meet a lot of these criteria then it may be time to let him go. Believe me, I know how frustrating dating can be. A lot of people settle because of the pressure that they feel, especially women because of the biological clock. I'm even in a relationship now where we are having communication problems and also we also have different sex drives as well. I'm high and he's low. We are currently working through things. I'm not ready to leave the relationship. I really love him. I do understand though that I have to be patient and accepting of the way that he is if I'm going to stay with him. If I decide not to accept these things then I should leave as well. I'm not ready to yet though. You just have to ask yourself if you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man. If the answer is no, then you know what you should do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: canada_chick
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:16am

Hello and welcome, canada_chick.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: canada_chick
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:16am

canada_chick...


Pianoguy would like to toss out two more thoughts....if you don't mind?


1. The "chase" is always more fun....because it usually incorporates THE UNEXPECTED! THE SURPRISES

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
In reply to: canada_chick
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:28am

Oh god, the eye rolling thing made me think of someone I was once with and had the same thing happen! I don't really think I am the marrying kind, so it wasn't a life partner decision like yours, but I still had difficulty because I was going to stop seeing this guy who was basically harmless but did not turn me on, I WOULD ROLL MY EYES TOO!

EVERYTHING he did annoyed me, even his (nice) daily emails where he said 'Good Morning Babe' drove me CRAZY! And there was NOTHING really wrong with him that I could articulate, he just didn't do it for me--and he was very handsome and even sexy every once in awhile. Think hard, that will be your LIFE partner!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: canada_chick
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:16pm

So the consensus is I shouldn't be with this man. But that means I have to start all over again!!! I just think in a timeline fashion that I will never be able to find a keeper. As we get older the pool of available men diminishes and the baggage surrounding those who are increases!

I'm convinced that what I'm looking for isn't out there. So I'm thinking "why not go with what's here now and is not horrible"? I'm an optimist by nature with everything but this. Does anyone think it's just me being immature? And that as we get older we don't have the luxury of falling madly in love anymore? I'm in love - companion love - respectful love. I think my days of wild, can't get him outta my head love are done.

Sigh.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: canada_chick
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:28pm

"I guess I'm wondering if people out there settle? "


Yes, they do. And usually those ppl are unhappy in their marriages, divorced, or cheating on their spouses.


Do you want to be that person?





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: canada_chick
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 2:07pm
Hey Canada chick, did you feel this way about him since the beginning? And was just hoping that you would fall for him and haven't , or were you crazy about him at one time and it slowly diminished? Just curious because I'm on try number 2 with a guy that has a good 'resume' of what i want, but I'm just not connected. I broke his heart once, and I wanted to give it another chance. I just find some things annoying, and he isn't outgoing or very sociable. He loves me and my son though, and would do anything for me.... I just don't feel much of a spark. I thought with time I might develope stronger feelings, or should I let it go and find that "crazy can't live without you love"....
just wondering

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