Update-40 mile LDR
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| Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:28pm |
Update:
My friend and I spoke last night. He said he really doesn't know what to do, he's confused and wants a few days to think. He said a buddy told him with all the women on match.com, he should be able to find someone within 10-15 miles of where he lives. I said "but it has to be someone you LIKE." He told me he's tired of it (match.com) and has hidden his profile. (Match.com is where we met) He asked me "wouldn't you prefer to date someone where you live?" I said, "but there HASN'T been anyone where I live" (which is totally true). He asked me if I was continuing to wink at guys on match.com and I told him I haven't since we went out. I've received one wink in the past three weeks and rejected that one and told him about it.
He said he didn't know how I felt until I told him that I had been crying. He told me that he cares about me and doesn't want to string me along. He said it isn't just the driving part, but being able to spend time together. I reminded him that my after-work is flexible and going to his place on weeknights is no big deal for me; I don't have an hour commute each way. He does have his son every Wednesday and every other weekend; I told him from the start that I respect that father-son time. The conversation ended with him saying he needed to sleep on it. He has his son this weekend and they are going out of town.
I'm trying not to get hopeful just because he's thinking about things. Why would he say he's confused and needs time if he doesn't?

He would say that because it's true.
You just have to come to terms with the fact that you may not be a factor in the confusion or the time-taking. He knows where you stand and he's told you what he needs so it's time to take it for what it's worth and go on with life.
The truth is, if a guy is interested for whatever reason, he's going to make the effort. I have 2 male friends right now that are traveling 200 and 1,000 miles to date women they want to be with. For them, it's not that complicated.
P.S. Why should he care if you're "winking" at people or not? Wink away, sister, and who knows, someone 50 miles away might take you up on it.
Whew, ok ... ready for some "tough love" ? ? ?
Katbert ... WHY OH WHY are you sweatin' a guy you met a month ago and have gone on 2 dates with? Why 'hang your hat' on this one guy, just because you had a couple of good dates? Keep on "winkin'" on Match; otherwise, OTHER options that may be BETTER suited for you may just be passing you by, kwim?
<< Why would he say he's confused and needs time if he doesn't?>>
This is the type of thing you'd hear after several months, a year ... determining whether or not to proceed with the relationship ... needing time to think things thru. At a month, it's not a relationship, it's dating.
This is the FUN stage ... this is the "getting to know you" stage ... by no means, is this the "drama" stage ... if if there's already crying and "sorting out" or "thinking about it, sleeping on it" ... sorry, but it AIN'T gonna happen.
Here's why: IF he does say "ok, let's give it a shot" ... he's probably doing so because he's afraid of hurting your feelings. By gosh, you told him you're crying about it! Guys (most) feel AWFUL knowing that a situation has brought a woman to tears. You've exposed yourself TOO much, too soon. Now, he's probably going to think you'll "freak out" or something ... so, he's sittin' there thinking "my gosh, she's feeling bad about this ... what do I do, what do I do?"
Secondly, when you said <>
But, you don't respect that he feels the distance is too much? Are you not trying to convince him that it's not?
By saying "I'll come to you, weeknights are no big deal, I don't have a commute, etc" ... you've basically just said "I'll make every concession you need for this to work because I LIKE YOU" ... in otherwords, "I'll be a doormat" (sorry, I know ... I said this would be "tough love" ... but, sometimes, it helps to not sugarcoat it and just say it like it is) ... basically, he's not going to RESPECT that ... because equality-based relationships are based on an equal exchange. Which is EXACTLY why he would prefer to date someone closer to home ... so, that it can be an equal exchange of time... and equal exchange of give and take.
Lastly, when he said << He asked me "wouldn't you prefer to date someone where you live?" >> ... he's saying "I'd prefer to date someone where I live." When you said ... <> ... translation "but, you're the only one who's come along that I like so I'm willing to overcompensate and start things off from a deficit position just because my options thus far have been limited."
Saying "but there hasn't been anyone where I live" ... that's not really flaterring, IMO. That's the same as saying "I need SOMEONE and you're the only one who's fit so far" ... girl, you HAVE other options, you just have to be willing to pursue them and not hang your hat on the first guy that "fits the bill" but isn't as interested in pursuing you as an option as you are in him. Basically, you've put a TON of pressure on the guy, at this point. He's going to be afraid of hurting your feelings because you've exposed too much of those feelings too soon ... which makes you seem a little needy ... you don't NEED this to work ... but, you WANT it to (despite his reservations) because "there hasn't been anyone else where you live."
In closing, bow out gracefully. Say "I respect your decision that 40-miles is too far and I wish you the best of luck in finding someone closer to home." That way, he won't have to concede or worry about "stringing you along" ... if you let it go gracefully, he may end up missing the times you DID have together and say "you know what, she was a great girl, we had a nice time together ... and I RESPECT the way she exited with dignity and respect" ... and he MAY be willing to give it a shot based on making some concessions of his OWN ... which will level the playing field.
Oh, and I do agree with the posters that have said ... if a guy really wants it, he'll go 100 miles, he'll handle the distance, etc ... but, those are the situations in which a FOUNDATION of a relationship has already been built. Starting out with distance as a deficit, however, isn't a GREAT way to build a relationship.
Good luck! (and I do hope you didn't take this as too harsh ... it's just the reality of the situation, as I see it and from my experience).
Thanks for the gut check...ouch, but important to hear.
Just want to clarify that HE used the words 'long distance relationship' in an email; I have never referred to it as a relationship, LD or otherwise. Maybe I do sound needy...I just really like this guy. We emailed off and on over the summer, so it's not like we saw each other online and immediately went out.
Actually that would have been the preferable thing to do...meet right away so you didn't have a false sense of knowing him and being attached to him because you emailed for so long.
I email 2-3 times with people I meet on dating sites, maybe talk on the phone once, then meet for coffee. It's best to take it to real life ASAP.
Sheri
<< Just want to clarify that HE used the words 'long distance relationship' in an email; I have never referred to it as a relationship, LD or otherwise.>>
Wasn't inferring that you had, nor that he is saying that's what is ... but, he is saying that is what he doesn't want.
<< Maybe I do sound needy...I just really like this guy.>>
I can understand that. But, you don't NEED this guy. Attempting to convince him of ANYTHING beyond what he's stated that he's looking for is needy. If what he wants isn't what you want, you gracefully bow out and move on. If those wants and needs are in alignment, than you've got something to work from.
Good luck!
Sending you a hug -
NOW get back to winkin' girlfriend!
BT's
I will politely disagree with the distance thing.
It could well be the distance that is stopping him. I would never consider a 40 mile relationship. Even if he's the nicest guy on earth, if he's more than 20 mins away, I won't bother. I know that some can and do have great LDRs, but they certainly aren't for everyone.
However, I do agree that for whatever reason, he doesn't want to date you. As btslovergirl said, "Now, get back to winkin' girlfriend"
LOL how very romantic of you.
>>I have to politely disagree here, have you never been in love? If you really think that person might be The One, you'll do anything not to lose him/her<<
Yes, of course I've been in love ... but only with local guys. Being local is part of my dating criteria. I simply wouldn't date someone who lived far away. And if there are no dates...then love can't develop.
You see, I'm a practical person not a romantic one. I can't even get my head around the scenario which you describe.
>>but oh, she doesn't live next door so I won't even try.' can you, really?<<
I don't have to imagine it....because I've done it. I once did meet a really lovely guy who lived far away. We got on great and had a wonderful time together. But despite the fact that we were good together and he wanted to continue a LDR thing, I didn't consider it even for a moment. Mind you, the fact that he got all sad about me not wanting to continue is why I decided to never again dabble with someone who lived far away.
And since then I met my wonderful husband (who did live near me) so it all worked out for the best. There is more than one perfect match for us out there, so why settle with the far away one? I'll just find another perfect match closer to home ;-)