Update!! Im in trouble !
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| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 6:52am |
Well thought you all might enjoy an update!! I think I made a wrong turn on the dating path, and it may cost me.
He texted my phone about 1130 last night. We were being silly back and forth, I said I missed him, he said me too but why do you miss me? So I dont know what happened but I let my feelings off my chest and responded:
"Of course I do, because your special to me and I think I may even Love you"
Well with that, he shut down. I tried a few more times, but he just ignored me and wouldnt text me back. Obviously I was up till about 230 in the morning then, upset, crying, and figuring Ive made such a mess.
But to be honest, I think I had to let my feelings off my chest. Its not fair for me to have to hold them in and tip toe around things for fear of his reaction. Im not sorry for what I said, Im only sorry if Ive upset him in someway and ruined our relationship.
So what do you all think??? My take on it is, if he walks, after knowing me since May, then I guess he wasnt mine to have. And that maybe its better this way in the end. He never had to reciprocate the statement, but to just disappear like that was hurtful. It was a difficult thing for me to say. A simple "thankyou" or " oh really" would have been better than what he gave me back.
So now Im off to work, with my head up as high as I can, its not too easy to do. And at this point I think all I can do is wait and see what he does next. We had plans for Thursday and if I dont hear from him, I guess its over. HELL OF WAY TO END IT!!! But one things for sure, I felt a big weight come off of me, for letting him know. Im not like him, he never wants to talk, and Im a talker.This was eating me up inside. And you know the truth is, Im positive he already knew how I felt before I said it!
Well one last questioin..... am I right to go silent and wait for him to make the next move, or do I try and call him or text him later today????

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I am a firm believer that with someone who is right for you, you can't do anything "wrong". You will make mistakes, of course, but someone who is right for you will understand and forgive them. Someone who is right for you would not shut down at hearing you say that you may even love him...even if he wasn't ready to reciprocate, he would still welcome the words from your heart.
And yes, it's up to him to make the next move.
Sheri
Basically, he didn't "cause" your feelings....he's not responsible for them. What you want, and waht you've had in interactive dynamic with him - has inspired your feelings.
So him being "like he is" - makes you love him because you're at the place in your life where you want "to love someone".
So you've said "you're special and I might love you".
There's nothing wrong with that.....if BOTH of you are realistic about what that means.
On your side - it means that you have the pleasure of interaction with someone you admire and respect as a person, and you have the sexual benefits of alliance.
For him, there's no obligation to "love you back" -to consier your needs or feelings anymore than he does right now. HE's under no obligation to do anything "because" of your statement - as he didn't "cause" your statement to be your reality.
But it doesn't sound as if he's processing it that way. You might email him and explain that your feeling is a reult of you wnting someone to love in life. It obligates him to nothing but to be like he is, and do what it is that he's always done. That might alter his perception of what he thinks you said or meant. Itmight not.
But are you prepared realistically to hear that - to accept it as it is "I undertand you care about me as a person, but I simply enjoy the distration and diversion of being around you at specific times and events for specific reasons."
Because that is what his response indicates...that he finds you fun, sexy, attractive, and desirable - but he has NO desire to alter his plans, goals, options, or responsiblities to include you equally with him when making decisions, taking actions, forming goals and making his dreams his reality.
So he's 'dating' you - and you've just informed him that you're having "feelings" as if this were a relationship.
A relationship is a job. Dating is an interview. Lot sof people interview that have no desire t have a job - even if it is offered. So you might need to make it clear that you're aware that he's in the dating phase, he doesn't want obligation and responsiblity of a relationship, he's under no pressure to change what he wants - just because "you've ha a feeling".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
<< Well one last questioin..... am I right to go silent and wait for him to make the next move, or do I try and call him or text him later today???? >>
IMO, you MUST not contact him. You got something off your chest, now ... it's up to him to respond. It's important to keep in mind who you're relating to here -- a man whom you know "doesn't like to talk" ... so, if you contact him and try to initiate a conversation to discuss what you said, before he's ready or willing to have that talk, it'll be a useless conversation that will probably result in more disappointment for you.
On the plus side, you shared your feelings ... and yes, that can be a huge weight off your shoulders. Nothing to regret, right?
On the down side, that's the downside of technology ... impossible to have an interactive interaction. And, sharing something as big as "I think I may even love you" ... is best reserved for face-to-face, kwim?
Remember what we talked about ... in regard to fear and insecurities? Could it have been a fear of actually SAYING that that lead to saying it behind a text message? Honestly, I'd probably have mixed views to such a personal sentiment being said via an impersonal medium ... and yes, he's probably just processing it ... because, if he believes that with "loving him" comes obligation ... then, without the face-to-face opportunity to share what that means to you ... you're at a stalemate.
If given a couple days, he still hasn't contacted you ... I'd see nothing wrong with Erin's suggestion in sending an email ... explaining to him what expectations you have by saying what you said ... but, keep in mind, that's still not an interactive conversation ... so, before you do that ... know IN ADVANCE how you're going to feel about it if he doesn't respond to the email. If you know that, regardless of his response or not, that at least it gave you the opportunity to explain ... then, you'll know that you did right by you. However, that doesn't guarantee that he'll do right by you -- in terms of what you want or hoped for. If you know, in advance, that sending him an explanatory email will be upsetting if he doesn't respond ... then, you're probably better off just letting it be.
But, that's the downside ... the upside is that you got your feelings out ... it's up to him to respond or not.
Keep us posted.
Well I heard from him this afternoon around 130 on my lunch break. He texted me and said "whats up?" ! Like nothing had happened. I wrote back very nicely that if he wanted to talk Id prefer he called me. Well 5 minutes passed and the phone rang. He behaved as if nothing was wrong or different. He told me he was sorry, that he got my message but that he had fallen asleep. He said, he was out with the guys and had too much to drink.
I simply said that well when you didnt respond, I assumed you put on the bad list, he laughed and said, why would I do that to you?? I tried my best to keep the conversation light so as to not make him feel uncomfortable or threatened.
I told him that I respect hes not big for talk, but there are times in a relationship when twp people need to talk. And that I cant always be silent. He then asked me about coming to meet me at work tomorrow for lunch. I told him that would be nice. And with that he said Ill call you tonight or in the morning to let you know for sure if Im coming. He said he had a few things to take care of and was hoping to see me for lunch.
So now I guess I just keep the brakes on and let it go where it goes. I feel a weight of relief that he called, but I also feel a weight of releif that I was able to express my feelings and get them known.
Hon....really, seriously...try this on and see if it fits as a dress size.
Dating.....it's about enjoying the moments you two spend together doing wahtever it is you mutually agree to do.
Relationship - it's about prioritizing the other person's needs, feelings, and goals equally with your own in all situations, options, and opportunities.
I think he's "dating" you - he finds you sexy, funny, attractive, smart, fun, and exciting - he's enjoying every second he spends with you but he's not "planning or pursuing a future".
Women so often think 'he doesn't talk about his feelings"....9 times out of 10 when that is true of a self-confident and self-responsible person (not just man) it's just that they hve no feelings to talk about. They're living only in the present with you - they're not planning anything that includes you to "talk about".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Well Wingblade, that was direct and to the point LOL! From the sounds of your post, your telling me that Im in a hopeless relationship as far as him having any feelings for me. If thats so why does this man not let a day go by without one or two phone calls? Why does he drive 50 minutes on his day off to spend and hour with me on my lunch break, when thats the only time we can find sometimes?
Isnt it quite possible, that he needs to absorb what Ive said and think about what he wants with me? He also has alot of scars from a bad marriage, and has done about everything a person can to protect themselves from love and feelings for the past 4 years of his life.
Im not trying to sound rude here, Im just trying to show you the flip side of the coin. I agree with what youve said, but Im not sure that dress fits. To be honest, Ive wondered that, and Ive also thought that even though I have these feelings for him, maybe Im putting too much into something that wont happen.
I stopped dating other people a few months ago, because I lost interest, because of caring for him. I have friends that have told me that was a mistake! That I was married for a long time and I should be out there enjoying life and meeting new people. That I shouldnt put all my eggs in one basket, especially in a relationship that I have doubts will ever be anything I would hope for it to be.
We've "dated" for months now, and we've in my opinion reached the point of "relationship". We do discuss things in the future, my kids, wether I would be willing to move closer to him when my oldest son graduates in June 2007 or are my roots planted here.
You see, I think every type of relationship be it dating, or as I call it a relationship, either blossoms into something bigger or it dies, just like a flower. Theres an in between but theres always an ending if its not right for both people. If being loved by me is not what he wants then thats the ending to the story.
Thanks for your help and please understand, I dont mean this rudely, Im just stating my opinion too.
Here's something you might consider....most people with goals and living by more than instant gratification - have 1, 5 and 10 year plans - they're not set in stone - and they're less about external and superficial elements, than they are about existential needs and fundamental core issues of the individual themselves.
A great discussion to have is "where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?" That sounds like an interrogation - until you start out by telling the where you see yourself 5 years from now familially, financially, professionally, personally, spiritually, mentally, and physically - and what plans you've got and steps you've taken to make your dreams your reality.
A relationship doesn' tmake you what you're not at the core, and it won't allow you to become what you don't aspire to and achieve as an individual. So it's about companionship, more than anything else - and having companionship of the type and percentage that fits in with your own individual dreams and plans allows for more harmony and interaction and less friction overall.
I've had that discussion with the man in my life....it took us about 5 days to have in total. We started over breakfasts that turned to lunches...and began again at dinners that turned into breakfast again......talking about all the plans we had - that were realistic in nature, that were in alignment with our abilities and proclivities...and it was extremely insightful to see how committed t ourselves we were, and how well we knew ourselves as individuals so that what we were doing met our fundamental needs, and allowed expansion and enlightenment in self-identity.
Wonderful, absolutely fascinating conversation - really haven't ever stopped having it. At the core obviously - pretty much things remains intact. core elements aren't going to change much.........they're not situationally dictated by abilities or options. Naturally, over the years we've found options and opportunties in our paths as individuals, and as a couple - that we never envisioned would be ours to undertake and involve in - and we've done it becuase we simply as individuals or acouple - looked at it as a "bonus and score" merit badge for being so diligent, so self-aware, so self-responsible in handling our lives in general. Sometimes a opportunity you never knew did exist - is yours for the taking because of how you've conducted yourself...thats not plan deviation - that expansion!
But that conversation let me know that we wanted the same "depth" of relationship...which differed greatly from all the other relationships I'd been in. Of course, I was totally different in this one...I'd taken several years to explore myself, create a life and lifestyle I wouldn't trade or alter, I knew why I was diong what I was doing, what need it was meeting, what question it was answering about my fundamental self -s o I knew what could be subbed in or out, and what had to remain.
Always before - I wanted someone to entertain and amuse me, to adore me ot an extent, while I got the opportunity to care and show concern and consideration for someone. I consider now allthose relationships and marriage s(yes marriages) to have been superficial in nature.
They were about being "with" one another because there is safety in numbers as an assumption, there is options in alliance as a presumption, and there is a requirement to "care" to the extent I need care and assistance as a premise.....at least that was me back then.
I learned the lessons from those relationships. For years I had "baggage" and a scarred heart...and took the wisdom of the Dahli Lama to heart - and learned the lesson life was trying to teach me, when I lost at life in that instance or circumstance. That allowed me to take the individual situations and feelings preserved in bubbles, always being scrutinized and relived for "similarities"....and learn the lessons - reducing the baggage to freshly washed and pressed clothes that went into a carry on bag - that allowed me to board tth eplane to destinations of choice, knowing I had learned the lessons and how to apply my traits as assets, and knew what to involve in, and how to take responsiblity for my every thought, feeling, word, action, and decision. I'd learned I wasn't trusting someone else "not to hurt me" - but I was trusting me to be responsible for my destiny - that allowed me to assess character objectively - before trusting someone else simply to "be like you always are" - for that is all trust is.
So have the conversation........dating is about staring in to the eyes of the beloved to the exclusion of all else for short periods of time. And a relationship is about being the great and complete individual you are - looking outward together towards shared goals that you individually set for yourself and require yourself to meet - with or without them. But the ocnversation is extremely telling.
I've had that conversation with people in non-romantic liasons as well. Simply because it's not a "purpose driven" conversation - except to gain awareness of the individual at hand. People that have no clue or plan, are just drifting into whatever feels good or is exciting or fun at the time.......I found a common trend. Ironically - it mirrored me back then prior to 35.
They give to much, no far is too far, they have no boundaries and no limits, they have no expectations of you they can name except "be how you are" and that statement is being made in moments when what you're offer in term sof attention, adoration, or affection is pleasing ot them....and they see this as a never ending state...they're receiving of you, while offering little that is not within their at that moment gracious desire to afford you.
I wouldn't say he wants "no relationship"...but I wouldn't assume anything either. Everybody defines relationships differently - sometimes vastly different. He might easily want a relationship - but want an interactive dynamic so different from what wuold meet your needs - that you two aren't a match. Or, you might be perfect. Either way - the conversation is extremely enlightening.....if anythig, it demands that you think thru your own plans and goals, and it allows you insight into yourself and your needs, thinking patterns, and association vocabularly - you're goin to be expressing alot of that to open the conversation, while asking nothing of them and expecting nothing of them.....except to 'listen" to you. Obviously, if they have no interest in that, no point in conversation!
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Glad he contacted you! And, in hindsight, you can now know that all that worry you put yourself thru last night wasn't necessary. However, is that it? While I'm sure you're glad that he contacted you, as it sets your mind at rest in terms of "is he going to disappear on me now?" ... I do have some thoughts on his "non-response" response (ie, "He behaved as if nothing was wrong or different.")
That is, nothing's necessarily "wrong" ... but, different ... yes. As one would THINK that he would at least make MENTION of what you said, unless he simply wants to "avoid the topic" and pretend it doesn't exist. But, thing is, what you said is "out there" now ... and by him not ascknowledging it ... are you going to feeling glum about having put your feelings out there without any response from him about it?
Here's my tangent: do a little Google search on Passive-Aggressivenes (PAs). Here's a start:
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html
Read thru the list in that link and see how many of those traits apply. Passive-aggressive types have a way of leaving people feeling like 'umm, ok, but ... what does that mean?' -- what the above link says about "master of mixed messages and sitting on fences" is true.
The reason I bring this up is his response of <<"he laughed and said, why would I do that to you?? >>
True, while many men have a hard time expressing their feelings and emotions ... saying "why would I do that to you?" ... is a shifty question ... and it's most certainly not an answer (by posing a question back to you!) ... IMO, it's passive in that saying "why would I do that to you?" pretty much offers you nothing in terms of a response ... and it's aggressive, in that it puts the question back in your lap ... leaving you scratching your head going "ok, what now?"
True, people don't like confrontation, in general ... but, avoidance is a different animal. True, you <<"cant always be silent" >> ... nor can YOU allow yourself to be submitted into silence, though a PA would be more than obliged if you did. Honestly, do you think HE'S going to bring it up if/when you guys meet for lunch.
More importantly, if he KNOWS that it's important for you to have a discussion with him about what you said via text (ie, you setting the expectation with him for what "I think I may even love you" means to you) ... would he make sure that he MAKES time for lunch. Another thing with PAs is that, while they know you're sitting there in silence and uncertainty, waiting for them to respond or commit to a plan, it gives them a little sense of well, control over your emotions (that is, if you allow/submit to that).
Here's what you do: assert yourself. If/when he calls tonight or tomorrow morning, it's up to you to say "it's important to me that we meet for lunch" ... if you're important to him, he'll make the time. But, if he's putting out a "hoping to see you for lunch" ... how hard is it to commit to a simple lunch? It's not. Not when there's something important on the table to discuss, and not when you know it's important to your SO. But, it's up to YOU to let him know that it's important to you.
<< So now I guess I just keep the brakes on and let it go where it goes. >>
I'm all for "going with the flow" (I've always with a "go with the flow" type of gal) ... but, while you ride the wave ... you must also incorporate a healthy dose of assertiveness ... otherwise, he WILL control this relationship ... he WILL be the one who pulls the strings, on his time, his terms, his pace ... it does seem as though *perhaps* you are threatened by the prospect of threatening him or making him feel uncomfortable? But, should you be left feeling uncomfortable just so that he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable? I think that while you may feel comfortable now, just in getting your feelings out, will you feel comfortable not knowing what his response is to what you said?
Hopefully, he'll meet you for lunch ... make sure he knows it's important to you. And, ask him for his feedback on what you said last night. Otherwise, you might be back here on Friday saying "well, we had a nice lunch, and the conversation was light and friendly, I just didn't want to ruin it." Hon, you've got to be assertive (not aggressive, which is more of along the lines of demanding, in terms of expectations and tone) ...but, just some good 'ol assertiveness so that you aren't left hangin' and wondering (as that does seem to be a theme in many of your posts ... that you just don't know where you stand because he wont open up).
Good luck.
Starbuck,
Thanks for the response, and the great information!! Ive read the post 3x already trying to absorb and also checks out the traits at the other web site you mentioned. Its actually a pretty good fit.
I want to tell you so much more, but Im on my way out to work soon. I need one other piece of advice, and I hope I can get it, as I see your on the west coast and Im here on the east!!
WHAT DO I DO IF HE DOESNT COME FOR LUNCH???? Now he said he would call on Weds. night or Thursday morning. As of now I never heard from him last night, so we are down to the wire with Thursday morning.
WHAT DO I DO IF HE DOESNT EVEN CALL ABOUT LUNCH TODAY????
Thanks!!!
Is this really the type of relationship that you want to be in when you have to wonder:
"WHAT DO I DO IF HE DOESNT EVEN CALL ABOUT LUNCH TODAY????"
You should find a man that does not make you wonder and calls you every night to find out how your day went. From what I've read about the two of you I don't see a future for the both of you. You need to start dating other men and begin to let go of this one who obviously doesn't want a relationship with you. It sounds more like a friendship.
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