Update!! Im in trouble !
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| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 6:52am |
Well thought you all might enjoy an update!! I think I made a wrong turn on the dating path, and it may cost me.
He texted my phone about 1130 last night. We were being silly back and forth, I said I missed him, he said me too but why do you miss me? So I dont know what happened but I let my feelings off my chest and responded:
"Of course I do, because your special to me and I think I may even Love you"
Well with that, he shut down. I tried a few more times, but he just ignored me and wouldnt text me back. Obviously I was up till about 230 in the morning then, upset, crying, and figuring Ive made such a mess.
But to be honest, I think I had to let my feelings off my chest. Its not fair for me to have to hold them in and tip toe around things for fear of his reaction. Im not sorry for what I said, Im only sorry if Ive upset him in someway and ruined our relationship.
So what do you all think??? My take on it is, if he walks, after knowing me since May, then I guess he wasnt mine to have. And that maybe its better this way in the end. He never had to reciprocate the statement, but to just disappear like that was hurtful. It was a difficult thing for me to say. A simple "thankyou" or " oh really" would have been better than what he gave me back.
So now Im off to work, with my head up as high as I can, its not too easy to do. And at this point I think all I can do is wait and see what he does next. We had plans for Thursday and if I dont hear from him, I guess its over. HELL OF WAY TO END IT!!! But one things for sure, I felt a big weight come off of me, for letting him know. Im not like him, he never wants to talk, and Im a talker.This was eating me up inside. And you know the truth is, Im positive he already knew how I felt before I said it!
Well one last questioin..... am I right to go silent and wait for him to make the next move, or do I try and call him or text him later today????

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<< WHAT DO I DO IF HE DOESNT EVEN CALL ABOUT LUNCH TODAY???? >>
Absolutely nothing. It's imperative that you send the message that he needs to follow-thru on what he says he's going to do. If he says he's going to call, you let him call. If he doesn't, you sit still and go about your life. If he doesn't call, after he said he would, he most likely knows that you're going to contact him ... making it easy for him to not have to follow-thru ... so, don't do that. When he doesnt' hear from you, he'll call. (and no text messages, either!)
Hi!! Just in from work, and thought Id offer an update. Never heard from him till about 615 and you'll love this one!! He texted me and said "I got busy today" I then said "oh so you have no problem with me just busy?" and he said "yes thats all" so i suggested we talk on the phone( you know like normal beings!!) and he said "ok but a little later tonight, call me"
So that leaves only a couple of options in my mind.
1. Is it a little later, because hes busy?
2. Are his sons there and he making dinner and later is better?
3. Did he lie to me last week, and the ex girlfiend is back, and there right now? And how about this?? If she is, whats he doing hiding in the bathroom to text me???????
So now what? Im supposed to call him tonight???? I guess if I want to speak my mind then thats what I need to do. But maybe I should just forget and let it go till tomorrow, beings I appear to be some disruption to his evening. I guess I sound quite nasty and unaccepting right now. But I cant help it. Ive cried alot of tears and Im tired of crying. Im reaching the mad stage now. And maybe thats a good place to be for awhile.
I drove home today, feeling like a complete loser. I felt like the last 5 months we shared mean nothing to him. My most intimate thoughts and fears and feelings I shared with this man. And he tramped all over it, the last few days. His behavior has made me feel very unimportant to him and very bad about me. I think I got my respone, to the "I think I love you", its thanks but no thanks!! Funny he told me so many times, not to put up with my stbx's bad treatment, that I deserved better, thats he a nobody in my life now, but the father of my kids. And that I shouldnt let emotionally or verbally abuse me anymore, and yet at this moment hes looking like the same man.
How very sad for him and for me. Maybe I need to take my love back, and move on with my life, and give it to someone down the road that will cherish it and cherish me.
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1. Is it a little later, because hes busy? >>
It's a "little later" because he doesn't prioritize your needs/requests or the relationship on the same level that you do.
<<2. Are his sons there and he making dinner and later is better? >>
Perhaps. But, if he'd called you ... he knows you would have asked him questions... so, texting is easier, path of least resistance/explanations (again, leaves you wondering, right??)
<<3. Did he lie to me last week, and the ex girlfiend is back, and there right now? And how about this?? If she is, whats he doing hiding in the bathroom to text me??????? >>
(sigh) I think you know where I stand on this. As per previous posts (ie, asking him if I'm the only woman in his life) ... though you had a nice convo with him last week, you still don't have an answer to that. And, asking doesn't mean he'll be honest about it. So, it's a moot point, IMO, to ask. That's something you'd have to find out on your own (which means, you'd likely have to resort to snooping or driving my his house or stopping by unexpectedly to "catch him" ... none of which you want to lower yourself to, right? ... because, if we feel compelled to lower ourselves to that standard, then ... we're in the wrong relationship). If she is there, he doesn't have to hide in the bathroom to send a text ... he can do that in the same room as her ... texting doesn't require talking, right?
Bottom line: Do you want to be in a relationship where you have doubts that YOU are the only one? Secondly, do you want to be in a relationship that's one-sided -- on his time, terms, conditions?
Honestly answering those questions is all you need to know ... for your sake and for your best interests. If the honest answer to either of those questions is "no" ... what he says, does, is doing or not doing is a moot point.
Hi !! I didnt call him tonight like told me too, I felt that he was the one that couldnt put me or my needs first earlier, then maybe he needed to come looking for me.
Well to make an hour long conversation short, Ill get to the point. He told me that first off he was sorry about lunch and that he should have called. I said yes you should have, because not making it is one thing, but not being respectful of me and my feelings by not calling was very wrong.
He told me that before I told him how I felt about him, he was beginning to feel a bit scared and unsure of his own feelings for me. That yes I mean alot to him and he cares for me, but he's not sure if its love. He also doesnt feel ready to love again, and hes not sure when he will be. He told me that up until me it was an easy way to live, but with me it got complicated, because feelings starting coming and he didnt know what to do about them.
I told him that if he had listened carefully to me he would know that Im a bit intimidated too at this point in my life, by feelings for someone. That it was something that just happened. He asked me if I thought we should back up a little, which I think that was what he really wanted, but wanted me to say it.
So because I had done some thinking earlier, and realized that I dont want a relationship that causes me such heartache and pain. A relationship full of questions, and one that keeps me wondering. I told him that I think we both need our space and time and just see where we end up. I also let him know that there are no promises here from me, that I would go on with my life, and date, and have a social life again. I also told him that in all honesty he was the one that needed to get his life in order more so than me, that he has issues, that he needs to resolve. But of course each person does that in their own time.
So thats it! Its basically over and done at this point. Because, for me, I realized that he has damaged our relationhsip by his behavior towards me. Meaning that when I had something I felt was so important that we needed to deal with it, it couldnt be dealt with until he was ready. My feelings didnt seem to matter, it was a bit selfish on his part. Im not sure at this point if that damage will repair, and I think Ive only kidded myself here, thinking that I could trust him, after he lied to someone else about me, and most likely has lied to me too. I think I was settling and not being fair and honest to myself. I despise dishonesty, and trust is so very important to me.
So for now we'll just see what happens, but you know I have to laugh, because of the way the conversation ended. We always over the months, would sit and chat online before work while we both had our coffee. The last thing he said to me was "So how about coffee in the morning tomorrow, will you be there?" I laughed to myself and said to him "maybe!".
Funny how a man that wants some space, is already trying to draw me back in with coffee!
Thanks for all of your help. Im smiling now and feeling a sense of releif. I know the next few weeks, may get tough at times, but Im strong, and I can do it!!! As a matter of fact I had an old friend contact me, and ask me out for dinner tomorrow. He knows about my situation and that things are bad. But he said its just 2 friends sharing a meal and a bottle of wine. It will do me good to get out, so Im outta here!! I think Ill got to dinner and try and have a few laughs! Much better than all this stress and crying!!
Bye for now, thanks again, I hope I handled this well. I tried my best.
Flick, I haven't read what Starbucks has responded to your latest post and maybe I should have before responding because many time then none I agree with star and wingblade on instances. But, (never start a sentence with but) I have read everything since the beginning. and you relationship has intrigued me because I met my SO in May also.
Now from all the posts over the moths I can understand where he is coming from. I can also understand where you are coming from. What got me so much into your posts is because you were and are so much like myself. I admit I am a passive aggressive. With therapy I have gotten much away fro it with this current relationship and speak my mind no matter what.
No matter that. First I will say to you, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, see it is in CAPS. You said what you felt. I will say that I told my current bf those 3 little words way before he said them back. And as you, I worried and harped on them. Mind you it was once and I do not remember when but he said it again (mind you the second time to my fourth or fifth) just a week ago. I know there was post that he doesn't speak of feelings because there is none. Well just with post on a message board that is some and not all. My guy I can go on and on about feelings he will listen and soak it in. But, until he feels them and knows they are true he will not talk about them or speak of them.
Now, he flaked out today on lunch but as you see he drives the 50 mins for a quick lunch and other little things he does not have to do. Like my guy he lives 4 hrs away but now he has drove the 4 hrs to come to me. Usually when I go I rent a car, bus, train or plane to see him and we have an understanding it is every other week and alternates. He has drove here, not to mention I have not said this anywhere or to anyone but I got drunk on New Years and was to the point of no memory but he took care of me and told me it was all ok the next 3 days though I had reserved plane ticket to go home.
I was going to stop there and let you evaluate your relationship but it just came to me this. He let me know though I am frugal and may even snore (that he is not use to because he has lived alone for so many years) he misses it. When it comes to some further then the 15 or I give 30 min drive for a regular relationship you have to look at the bigger picture. Work does come up and kids most definitely, heck I had to tell me they need a ride the night before instead of the time to go home).
Stop thinking so much and say to your self, you still have to be completely divorced to be in a real relationship and get that done. Focus on what you want to do in life and then last focus on him and what he does. No much thought if you look at it that way because most men are career, kids, family, relationship. That is why the divorce rate is so high. Good luck I am always here bastphilliy@yahoo.com or yahoo messenger.
My second post... Reading your last post to what I assume your going out with an old friend. That going out is not good because to supplement what you missed with this guy can lead into sex and old feelings that does not define who you are. Ok back on to my original post. Reading your post flick, if you were in your 20's and dealing with an immature man or inexperienced to say I would respond differently. But, over time this is not the case and what you just posted to that you said to him then I can very much understand a non-response from him.
Forget being hard hearted and think about how you really feel about this man. To me, there comes a time that women have to stop being so liberated and say this is how I feel and it is ok. Along with that not make a man feel he has to feel the same. With your post and how things with he was backed into a corner to either feel like you or you were moving on,
Now, I accept my feelings and express them but so not demand time from my bf he gives it more so then I know until later. When I talk to him like at Christmas, I demanded he continues on with what he had done for years to be with them though he wanted to come and be with me. I feel demanding or telling a person (man or woman) this is how you feel and they did not respect it because it was priority is pushing them in a corner. To me, I would take an offense. My priorities is first my son, my house, my work, my family (only because they are not in the middle of my relationship), work, then the person I am dating. Am I wrong? I don't think so, what is his priorities? maybe you should ask that in a not confrontational way and then you can see why work piled up and he was not able to make lunch. It happened to me today I went in and had a conference call that last longer then normal but during that call my work decide to have a baby shower for one of the women there and I was unable to fulfill my lunch obligation. Another instance yesterday at a family members job and though I let them know last week I would be there and we should have lunch, work came up and we couldn't.
This whole post is don't dismiss on just that. He could not respond ok. Guys, many of them I know or even me for that matter, like to think what is said through. Before speaking the first thing on mind and messing it up let me sort through, may consult a friend (the friend that disagrees with what I say) to make sure I am going right. Be patient flick. I hope to talk to you more on this.
Im not exactly sure from your post what your trying to tell me. I think your telling me its okay to love him, and that because he cant say it back right now, thats okay too.
And that maybe I need to sit back and relax and enjoy the ride more. Taking one day at a time, and seeing where life takes me.
If this is what you meant, then I totally agree. I think I scared him with my announcement of love and this was the only was he could handle it right now. When we spoke, he said he needed some time and space, but this wasnt good bye, unless that was what I wanted. When I told him I didnt want it to be goodbye, I just wanted him to tell me where we go from here, he said Im not sure. He kept leaving the ball in my hands, like I had to be the one to decide.
When I suggested that we both back off, continue to talk and date each other, and see where it goes, he said "i can do that". He even spoke about getting together next week when hes off, as he works this weekend.
He also said that he wasnt looking for anyone else, to add to his life. Its just hard sometimes and feels like pressure, with the distance between us, and him having his kids as much as he does, and the crazy shift work he does. He also talked about how he knows there cant be much that changes with the distance or with our relationship until a good year and a half from now, due to the fact that, I cant pick up my life right now and move closer or move in with him. I have a son who is a junior in High School and until he finishes next June, my life is here. My sons happiness comes first, and he respects and understands that.
So all in all him and I agreed that there are obstacles, including my divorce that isnt finalized yet. And that maybe we need to slow down and in time when some of these obstacles are out of the way, maybe then we can have a more serious, committed relationship.
I admitted to him that it is difficult for me too. That when my kids are with there dad and Im free for a day or two, hes either working or has his kids!! LOL It never seems to go our way!
I even told him, that Ill just wander off into the sunset if thats what he wants, and when he's ready for love, he can find me. He yelled "NO" thats not what I want. Dont go away!!!
I guess the moral of the story is ......... set him free and if its meant to be he'll be there and so will I when the time is right for both of us. I do beleive in destiny. So I think Ill take your advice about not hardening my heart, and tossing this liberation thing aside. Maybe someday it will be and maybe it wont, but Im gonna take that chance, because the truth is, even after a good talk, a good nights sleep and lots of thinking, I do LOVE HIM!!
Flicksgirl, I think you absolutely made the right decision. I held on way too long to my last relationship that caused me a LOT of pain, hoping against hope for a good outcome...and the lesson I've resolved to take forward from that relationship is that if a relationship is causing you pain more often than not, you need to end it. Ironically, me NOT ending it on my terms caused me WAY more pain, because my ex ended up just disappearing on me without a word, after a year and a half. So I applaud you for having the courage to do so.
Be careful about having any contact with him for the time being however. It's so easy to fall back into the habit...I did end it with my ex at one point but then we started talking again, just as "friends", and I was right back in the emotional thick of things.
Honestly, I think this guy needs some counseling before he'll be anything other than "walking wounded". So you might set that as a boundary...that he should feel free to call you once he's decided he's ready to try a committed relationship with you and he's had at least 3 months of counseling, but not until then.
Sheri
You know, this really could work for you.
You're not divorced yet - so naturally you're clinging at straws in a sea of unrest and uncertainty. That's why the "feelings" you want to have because of what they represent -are so important to feel, to express, and have responded to by him as you expect and need.
He's got kids that aren't out of school, same with you -and there is distance between you of at least an hour it appears. So it takes either of you "two hours" driving - to see one another anytime you do it.
Between jobs, school events, raising children - that's just not alot of time to spend together. Not to mention youo're i a sea of uncertainty and transition with the divorce not yet final, don't know if you'll find someone else yet to "meet those needs' and lacking objectivity about whether the person's character meets your standards or not.
So, why not "date".
Dating is all about the moment. It's a wonderful sport if you know how to do it with finesse...abut it's thought of as a sprint by people that "need" a relationship and partner for financial, physical, emotional, or societal reasons.
So dating is all about the moment. It's him calling on Tuesady - to arrange for Friday. That leaves you 3 days to review in stolen moments what you'll wear and how you'll look, read some current event news and form opinions so that you'll have topics to discuss, it gives you 3 days of "preparing" for this event - which is totally structured around both of you impressing nad pleasing and being imprressed and pleased - by th eother person.
It's the 'english tea party' scene - where he constantly compliments your tea making ability and your dress...and you in gracious adoration and acceptance compliment his ascot and his hairstyle.
Yu're smart during the anticipation and excitement thereof phase NOT to project how he'll respond t what you say or how you look - that way you develop no set script or expectations - and that allows you to be delighted with his responds if it meets your STANDARDS...while not holding potential disappointment and thus you in a state of anxiety at all times on the date - because his responses don't meet your expectations.
Once the date is over - even if that is the next morning over breakfast.......it's done.....nobody did or said anything "in order to make our future more viable or an option" - and everybody did everything that is in accordance with thier own principles and standards. Everybody had a wonderful time due to very low expectations - and alot of flirtatious, possibly sexual, and obviously stimulating intellectual interaction. Everybody's delight- kiss on a high note - go off about the business of the day.
perhaps a phone call or two during the week, obviously another Tuesday/Wednesday all to arrnage for the Saturday date.....and you repeat the process.
Notice how much time, energy, effort, thought, and abilities that allows you to put towards your own goals, needs, lifestyle, and requirements in every regard. Because you're enjoying the present and what it is allows - at all times...while in anticipation of the future without disappointmen because the "future" is a guarantee - it's only a Friday night date, and that's already arranged.
So that is what he's been doing......he hasn't really been trying to figure out how to implment, integrate and install you in his life...he's been enjoying you as a diversion and distraction from the obligations of his life and lifestyle. tha'ts "dating".
Dating is like the interview process for a job. Most people do, or attempt, to interview well. Not everybody interviewing would "accept" the job - a great many people interview on a regular basis that are not looking for a job - to keep up thier interview skills.
First impressions count - you can't make a good first impression on a second meeting! They know that - they keep the skills polished as a result.
Interviewing - you go in there with very limited and broad "anticipation" of waht you'll be asked...but you go in with an astute awareness that your responses (not thier questions) dictate your destiny with them...not overall, just iwth them.
So dating is like interviewing - all about right now - might or might not have a future attached, but nothing you're doing is "insuring" that - so you just be the best yoou can be within your own standards - and do it all over again next week.
Because what you've got "feelings" for really isn't him per se. It's what he represents......it's the security, the assumptions that you have that "a relationship" HAS to meet in terms of your needs, or has to provide in terms of your expectations.
But relationships aren't like that. Nobody has the same set of needs or expectations of it - and you're not likely to find someone who shares yours enough never to have a significant "unmet need" - as a result.
That's why relationships really are like your "second job"...not your primary income. That way - everything you get is a bonus and score and allowed to be enjoyed on impulse buys or fun. But everything you need and want and expect "of life and yourself" - that's your obligation and responsiblity - you meet it - so that you can enjoy them as they are.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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