Update!! Im in trouble !
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| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 6:52am |
Well thought you all might enjoy an update!! I think I made a wrong turn on the dating path, and it may cost me.
He texted my phone about 1130 last night. We were being silly back and forth, I said I missed him, he said me too but why do you miss me? So I dont know what happened but I let my feelings off my chest and responded:
"Of course I do, because your special to me and I think I may even Love you"
Well with that, he shut down. I tried a few more times, but he just ignored me and wouldnt text me back. Obviously I was up till about 230 in the morning then, upset, crying, and figuring Ive made such a mess.
But to be honest, I think I had to let my feelings off my chest. Its not fair for me to have to hold them in and tip toe around things for fear of his reaction. Im not sorry for what I said, Im only sorry if Ive upset him in someway and ruined our relationship.
So what do you all think??? My take on it is, if he walks, after knowing me since May, then I guess he wasnt mine to have. And that maybe its better this way in the end. He never had to reciprocate the statement, but to just disappear like that was hurtful. It was a difficult thing for me to say. A simple "thankyou" or " oh really" would have been better than what he gave me back.
So now Im off to work, with my head up as high as I can, its not too easy to do. And at this point I think all I can do is wait and see what he does next. We had plans for Thursday and if I dont hear from him, I guess its over. HELL OF WAY TO END IT!!! But one things for sure, I felt a big weight come off of me, for letting him know. Im not like him, he never wants to talk, and Im a talker.This was eating me up inside. And you know the truth is, Im positive he already knew how I felt before I said it!
Well one last questioin..... am I right to go silent and wait for him to make the next move, or do I try and call him or text him later today????

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Erin,
Thanks for your post. Everyone here has been so kind and supportive. Im glad I stumbled onto this website!
I thought about your post and it made so much sense to me. I guess I am grasping at straws in a sea of unrest and uncertainty. I suppose after the security of marriage for 21 years, your not big on unrest and uncertainty. I do know I love him, but Im not sure what kind of love that is? Just maybe its all a fantasy or a need to feel secure again. I dont want to be alone the rest of my life, but the anwser to that is not to just dive into a relationship.
It was so much simplier with him, when we were just dating and feelings weren't becoming involved. It became stressful for me, because the feelings scare me. And Im sure I was frightened of rejection. Which Im not so sure I was rejected. I think he has his own issues and he doesnt know how to deal with them, or how to deal with feelings. I think hes more scared than I am of love.
You know he wanted space and wanted to back it up alittle. Yet, he was right there this morning as he has been for months on the computer, instant messaging me at 6am over coffee. And then before I got off the computer to leave work, he asked me to wait a second, and then said, "Im off Monday, would you like to have dinner with me?"
I had to laugh to myself again, because this is not a feeling less man. He's trying to hold on to me, yet he's not sure how much of me he wants. To me that invite already, since just talking last night, doesnt sound like a man thats walking away. He promised me wasnt walking away, just taking sometime, and slowing things down.
I told him it was a possibility. And that he should call me Sunday night, just to be sure. Of course my friends at work said DONT YOU DARE, make him chase you. Play hard to get!! I think to an extent yes, I do need to step away alittle. I mean after all I put my feelings out there, and they were not returned. I dont hold that againest him, because I think if he let himself, he would feel things too.
But Im not into games so I probably will have dinner with him. I mean we both agreed to date still, so maybe thats whats best like you said. And if its meant to be it will be, and if its not it will fizzle and die. RIGHT?
Flicks,
You sound like you're in a "good place" today ... a little perspective goes a long way, right?
A couple of things: << And if its meant to be it will be, and if its not it will fizzle and die. RIGHT? >>
Well, not necessarily. Ok, I hadn't realized you were married for 21 years ... that said, this "just dating" thing is pretty new to you, right?
So, thing about that is, a guy who "doesn't know what he wants or how he feels" can very well go on indefinitely with "just dating." If that's what suits his needs. Women tend to have a harder time with "just dating" ... we (most) always seem to want it to "go somewhere."
I'm not a huge fan of the "if it's meant to be, it will be" (despite that being the name of this board, though I do enjoy this board) ... anyway, the concept of "meant to be" leaves things up to the hands of fate and destiny ... as though our destiny is already designed and not up to us. If something is "meant to be", it's only going to BE by matter of choice ... by our design ... with cooperation by both people involved ... knowing that, as individuals we cannot "make something be" ... so, the closest thing I'll subscribe to in terms of "meant to be" is the willingness to "let it go" ... let the other person go, or at the VERY least, let go of the outcome of the "relationship" (in terms of it ever becoming a full-blown committed relationship)... and if they come back to you with a level of certainty in terms of what they want (ie, being with you) ... then, that's more of a "meant to be" test than not making any choices/changes and leaving it to "just finding out" if it's meant to me. KWIM? (in other words, the status quo rarely gets us to where we want to be)
So, for him, it may not "fizzle out and die" if he's comfortable with "just dating" for years. Which is why it's important for you (for all of us) to know what we want, for how long we're willing to accept "just dating" if what we really want is a relationship or to re-marry. You have to know what you want, which isn't determined by what he wants or how much he's willing to offer. So, keep in mind, he may very well be willing to offer on this level for as long as it suits his needs. It's up to you to know what you need.
<< He's trying to hold on to me, yet he's not sure how much of me he wants. To me that invite already, since just talking last night, doesnt sound like a man thats walking away. He promised me wasnt walking away, just taking sometime, and slowing things down. >>
A funny thing happens when a person senses they *might* lose something or someone. They often come back on stronger, to "resecure" or reassure you that they're there. The next couple of weeks will be telling in terms of his willingness to keep his word on stuff.
I don't think he wants to walk away or wants you to walk away. However, his not walking away also doesn't mean that he wants more than what it is, either. Just keep that in mind, while keeping in focus what you want from this interaction. If it's not meeting your needs and wants, then it's up to you to make a choice. As long as you don't feel like you're sacrificing or limiting other opportunities or options while you wait for him to "figure out his issues" ... that's fine ... so long as it's meeting your needs in the meantime.
All that said, while you're both re-evaluating and taking a step back, I'm still concerned for you in that ... you don't KNOW whether or not the "ex/maybe-not-an-ex-yet" is still in the picture. I can understand that while 'just dating' ... he may not be willing to bring you into his kids' lives ... but, the limited access (or no access) to his home and friends, that's disconcerting. Even if "just dating" ... it's not that big of a STEP in terms of him allowing you into his life, his home, socializing with his friends and vice versa him with yours. So, if it's him coming to you on his time, terms ... but not you being welcomed into "his world" ... that still seems a bit too rendezvous-ish than what is "normal" in dating. A little reciprocity goes a long way, too.
I'm still just curious ... what did he say about not having you over to his home?
Again, I'm TRULY not trying to burst your bubble. Ride the flow of it, see where it goes ... but ... be mindful and aware of what he's willing to do in terms of letting you into his life a little more, k?
You know sometimes its hard to see the truth or to accept the truth. Im trying to spend some quality time with myself right now, so that I can think with a clear head. So far Ive come up with alot. Ive realized exactly what I want and what I want is not what hes giving me. What hes giving to me is exactly what I dont want. Thats not necessarily his fault, its not his job to give me my happiness. But he is at fault, for allowing to constantly get so close to him, then you reach this line in the sand, and he says BACK UP! This has taken place on more than one occassion, and then I allow him to hold onto me under "his" terms, instead of me just walking away and saying "NO I dont want this".
For example, he started this line crossing thing again this week, we dicussed it on Thursday and then on Friday, hes asking me to spend time with him on Monday night when hes off work. Thats not time and space!!!! Thats manipulation to keep me around, until he figures what he wants, or he finds it somewhere else. And it hurts like hell, but its the truth. Now I have to live with it and accept it, and deal with it.
The other truth is that I put my heart out to him and he basically is saying No Thanks!! Not ready, dont want, but thanks anyway. That is what his response and actions have shown, and it took me some real soul searching to see this and admit to myself.
But the biggest truth of all, is that I dont want this life. I want a life again, where I am loved, special to someone, so special that I am the first thought of the day and the last of the day. It may take time to find it, but I know in my heart, when Im honest with myself that I wont find it with him.
He may very well be content to just date for the next 5 - 10 years of his life, and never allow himself to feel or committ to anyone. But in 5 -10 years, Ill be 50-55 years old. I know I dont want to wake at that point in my life and realize then that I may have missed a chance to have what I really wanted. At that point I would say theres no one to blame but myself.
So starting today, I have to find the strength to say NO! and to say sorry, but what you offer isnt what I want, need or brings me true happiness. I know it wont be easy, Im sure Ill miss him, but I wont miss the stress, or the constant guessing games.
Thank you all for your help and support. I know I have a long road to travel, but Im sure I can make it on my own. So no more tears right?? They only make my eyes swell, and make me look OLD LOL !!
Well,here's the "reality of the dating world" - at least as i've experienced it.
People that 'don't know what they want" - do NOT want obligation, commitment, responsibility for you and youor needs and feelings.
What people pursue - it's what they want. What they don't want - they won't pursue it and will refuse it.
Indecision is a decision. It's a decision not to decide. It doesn't mean that life doesn't march on, situations arise, problems emerge, etc...it simply means they take no action that puts them on a specific path (eliminating other options) unless it benefits them as they see it.
People dating to find a partner - usuallly know that prior to dating at all. They don't meet "you" and want partnership...they want partnership and date, join groups, let friends know to set them up - becuase it's all about numbers.
People I know, as I've been "him" in this sense.......that date "married" people or "unavailable" people - aren't seeking to overcome or outlast your nonavailability. They're in the "ideal situation" as they see it. You can't or won't make commitments, which menas they simply have no obligations. Whatever interaction there is is pleasant...and there is no messy conversation, and if there is it's dismissed easily with "well, we shouldn't really be thinking along these lines you're still married". It also allows "talk of the future" - from a totally unrealistic and "free reign" standpoint........because anybody can talk about anything as off the wall or as realistically possible in ideal situtions as they wish - it just "can't happen - you're unavailable".
So when I've dated "separated butnot divorced people" - it was specifically becaus I wasn't looking to change my lifestyle, I was looking to have companionship, conversation and sex on occasion and company at specific shared events. I didn't mind a little snuggling in the living room, and occasionally "playing house iwth the kids around" made me "feel warm and fuzzy in a momentary Norman Rockwell kind of way"........but it was simply "downtime" from my own lifestyle and interests, involvements and pursuits - which still ran on at 210mph - when this person wasn't around.
I think that's wehre you are - you're an ideal set up for a man with children, no desire to move, no desire to make a commitment and change his life....yo'ure married, you have a child, and so everything screams "we can cover the distance for fun specifically" - but we have no desire to change what "is" fundamentally in our lives at this time. Him by choice......you by default.
So I think he wants to "date" ad finitum.........realize something else - theres no benefit and tons of risk in marriage after about 35 or 40. So it's quite advantageous to date for years- nothing wrong with someone you enjoy in companionship and sex......because the deisre to marry isn't there - because the risk in marriage is there 210%.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Wow - you really really need to get iwth the life on life's terms reality.
But he is at fault, for allowing to constantly get so close to him, then you reach this line in the sand, and he says BACK UP!
Let's grab a visual - envision you and him with a line in the sand between you and both of you are at least 10 feet from the line. HE's not 'causing" you to move - you want to be closer to him and do it. And you want to "feel" particular things - so you do. You inch closer with "intention" of grabbing him and making his yours.....you're sure he wnats this - he doesn't object. You get right beside him and reach to grab his wrist and h says "no - don't do that".
He didn't cause you to move, he doesn't dictate your actions, needs, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, desires, feelings, or emotional expectations. He doesn't control your associative vocabularly either.
So you're constantly "moving closer" to someone who's diong what - NOT MOVING. People pursue waht they want. He's standing there - he doesn't mind interaction, conversation, sex...but he's not moving any closer t you because he doesn't desire that. The proximity is caused by your efforts, your allowances, your requirements of you and your assets in regard to him.
He's not "causing" this - he's not manipulating. Get with that - otherwise you're doomed to heartache and failure with the opposite sex, and in busines, and with your children.
hes asking me to spend time with him on Monday night when hes off work. Thats not time and space!!!! Thats manipulation to keep me around
This is about as immature and unrealistic as it gets....really. He wants your companionship and possibly sex on Monday night when he's off work. He's not asking you to stay indefinitely, he's not promising there'll ever be another get together. How is this manipulating you to keep you around. This is TIME AND SPACE requirements on his part. Otherwise it'd be "here's a key, you come around whenever the mood suits you"......now that would lead you to need a serious discussion, and there would be room there for you to claim confusion or manipulation intentionally on his part.
That'd be throwing his life and his space open to you at your own free will with the ability to include and enter yourself per your own needs nd requirements.......and then if he started talking about "time and space" - yu would wonder "what's up with this - it's conflictive".
But he's saying he doesn't want obligation, responsiblity and requirement at this time to oconsider your needs, goals, and feelings and priorities in life equally with is own while making lifetime decisions. That's 'time and space" - that's means when he wants companionship - he'll ask....when you want it you ask....either of you has the right to refuse if it's inconvenient for you.
All you're doing is "marriage" in dating...and it won't work. Youre trying to consider what he wnats, needs, expects, thinks, feels, and desires - so there'lly be harmony. If you two were cohabitation - darn right you'd want harmony and you'd both be working honestly communicatively to ensure it.
But right now -both of you are dating. This means whatever you do, say, want, think, feel, decide, desire...that's because that is what you want in your life, or you want to do - it meets your needs, it furthers your goals, it's your demand of you.
You're not "playing off" him - nor he is playing off you.
Let me ask you something.......at the core level - isn't this alot like your "marriage" that is now ending.
You endlessly reading into hsi actions, decisions and words what you thought would make him happy, complete, keep the harmony, facilitate his goals or meet his needs.........and the man does what....according to you "he does whatever he wants, with whoever he wants, whenever he wnats, no matter what i want or do or say or give or tolerate."
PRECISELY...in amrriage, that's inappropriate - it won't work. But in dating......it is appropriate, it's what you do.
That's why in your emotional state and in your physical, financial, legal situation - you can't possiblly be objective and discerning. How a person creates "baggage" is they seal in a lab slide - particular situations or events or realities that were in effect with their previous mate. They attach all the feelings ,needs, expectations, etc. that wre in paly at the time - to the lab slide.
They then review it constantly under a microscope anytime those feelings are tweaked......to see if what is happening now - is what happened then....and they're ever viligant about what happened then, so itll never happen again or anything remotely like it. that creates a ton of slides that are fragile -and hae to be careflly handled - so your baggage becomes quite dangerous, toxic, and heavy and impossible to "get on the plane of life".
This results because you never review the common denominator under a microscope that is in every one of these situations, events, realities, and circumstances for what they did in pervasive dynamic...that is "always the same".
That person is you. when you learn the lessons in life -when you lose at the game of life - you can go otu and play again with more skill and no baggage.
So, thi sis a great opportunity for you to learn to date....while not geting "aattached to the idea of a future, and the security that it would provie or should provide.
Because in your marriage........there were alot of "should's" that you thought he was obligated to by two titles he held - husband and father. Notice, he didn't share the efinitions, expectations, parameters, and requirements in those roles - as you......thus, shattered dreams and lives.
Lose the should's......and if you have expectations of someone else - take the George Washington approach. He went with his men across the Delaware - that battle was too important to leave in the hands of his second in command. So if you're expecting someone else to do, give, provide, or allow, or be integral in some way to something......you be FIRST (george was in the bow of th canoe!) to begin meeting your own expectation, with your own efforts - creatively. That way - if nobody follows your lead - you'll still have the expectation met - and be more successful and secure in life. And if someone does follow your lead - you'll get there faster as a result of "help".
But nobody is going to find you "special"........everybody wants to be daddy's little girl, or someone's special princess....you're not "special" - you're average, your normal. "Special" people ride the little yellow bus that gets to school first each day, so that they're given lots of assistance becuase it's required due to their handicap, so that they can participate fully in class to the best of their abilities.
You're not "special" - you're average, you're normal, and you fall into a category that is replete iwth attendance. 30 and 40 something year old women, divorced, with children............it's not that you're competing aginst all those women to find some man to fulfill, uplift, complete you and make you happy. It's that you're out there competing WITH all those people "in life oerall" - so define great life, get on with the plan and process, assess facts and character, to thine own self be true - and realize you won't have what you don't earn for yourself, and you won't become what you don't make of yourself.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
my experience has been when a guy texts you at that time of the night, its his little head doing the thinking. From what you have told me, it tells me if was looking for some action that night and as soon as you got mushy with him, he got scared and shut down.
If he was a real man, he would have had the decency to come clean with you and say something in return. For him not to respond is rude. That just goes on to tell you that he doesn't respect you for you. I am not trying to sound negative. However, if you want men to reciprocate and don't want to get hurt than you have to respect yourself first.
Even if he calls on Thursday to go out. Don't accept it. You deserve better. I once had a guy frien tell me this and its very true. How can a woman expect a man to respect her when she doesn't respect herself.
Think of it this way. If he had promised his boss that he was going to come into to work over the weekend and never showed up, didn't call or email or even text. Do you think he would have job on Monday? the answer is no. Because he shows no responsibility and the lack of respect. Now if his boss didn't care. Then he would come and go as he pleases. However, the boss knows that and ensures there are consequences for his actions.
There are consequences for his actions towards you!!
Just my two cents!!
BigBanana Thanks for your 2 cents. You see I agree with you here. I need to step back now and let him come to me. As I posted earlier, sometimes you just dont see things for yourself and it takes someone else to "give u a good slap and wake u up"!! LOL
He didnt show up the other day or call to say he wasnt so to me that was a total lack of disrepect for me. His problem was he knew if he did show, I would probably bring up the topic and he didnt want to deal with me or face it. I can almost understand that, maybe he needed time to think and process his thoughts.
Your right about the respect, my mom told me that a long long time ago when I was 17. Im now 45. Ive always tried to live my life that way, but sometimes we get lost and blinded by someone.
Im not contacting him now, and you know the last few days, there he is contacting me.
Sheri,
From your post I think you got the impression that I have ended this relationship with him. I havent done that just yet. Im right now trying to honor his request for time and space, but Im also taking this time for me to think about what I want. Im doing some serious soul searching and looking in the mirror.
So far Ive decided that dating him, is fun, when I leave it at just that. But I think he may just be a person that will never want to have anything more than that in his life, at least not for years to come. Im 45 years old, and do know that I dont think I want to just date him for the next 5-10 years! I want more than that out of life. I want a special partner, that I can depend on, and that knows he can depend on me. I want someone to share my day with, the good and the bad. So though this arrangement may work for him, Im not too sure it works for me.
So at this point Ive let him know that Im here now, but that I am planning to work on my social life. Meaning that Im not turning down dates when they come. Im going back into the world and finding whats out there. Im also going to try to put this stress of this relationship out of my life and get back to smiling and laughing again. Ive had enough of the tears over him.
Having a man in your life can be wonderful, but I have other things in life that bring me happiness too. He already has seen me go out the night right after our conversation, and he was quite curious about what I was up to.
I know its not me, I wont continue to blame myself for things that have gone wrong,he definitely has an issue with committment and closeness to others. There seems to be this part of him that wants it, yet when he gets there he turns away.
wow .. toughie.
let him make the next move. whether it be call or text .. it's up to him now to how he's going to deal with this. even if he didn't feel the same for you, i don't see that as a right to be ignorant.
good luck sweetie xx
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