Update!! Im in trouble !
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| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 6:52am |
Well thought you all might enjoy an update!! I think I made a wrong turn on the dating path, and it may cost me.
He texted my phone about 1130 last night. We were being silly back and forth, I said I missed him, he said me too but why do you miss me? So I dont know what happened but I let my feelings off my chest and responded:
"Of course I do, because your special to me and I think I may even Love you"
Well with that, he shut down. I tried a few more times, but he just ignored me and wouldnt text me back. Obviously I was up till about 230 in the morning then, upset, crying, and figuring Ive made such a mess.
But to be honest, I think I had to let my feelings off my chest. Its not fair for me to have to hold them in and tip toe around things for fear of his reaction. Im not sorry for what I said, Im only sorry if Ive upset him in someway and ruined our relationship.
So what do you all think??? My take on it is, if he walks, after knowing me since May, then I guess he wasnt mine to have. And that maybe its better this way in the end. He never had to reciprocate the statement, but to just disappear like that was hurtful. It was a difficult thing for me to say. A simple "thankyou" or " oh really" would have been better than what he gave me back.
So now Im off to work, with my head up as high as I can, its not too easy to do. And at this point I think all I can do is wait and see what he does next. We had plans for Thursday and if I dont hear from him, I guess its over. HELL OF WAY TO END IT!!! But one things for sure, I felt a big weight come off of me, for letting him know. Im not like him, he never wants to talk, and Im a talker.This was eating me up inside. And you know the truth is, Im positive he already knew how I felt before I said it!
Well one last questioin..... am I right to go silent and wait for him to make the next move, or do I try and call him or text him later today????

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I think as long as I live Ill never understand men again!! When I was married I didnt think men were that hard to understand. Since this dating thing Im not so sure!! Sorry to any guys out there LOL!!
Him and I had lunch today. I decided to see him, I really did miss him, its been 10 days since this all started. Well it was a nice DATE, and I cap that because, Im trying to look at things different now, and smell the roses!! He said to me when he got here and kissed me "boy did I miss you." Then he said its been what about 10 days!! We laughed and talked and had a great time. When he kissed me I told him, that I guess that would have to last me awhile, like another 10 days. He said I dont think so! That wont happen again.
We talked about what had happened a little bit, but I tried to keep it light and non committal. I told him Im not sorry for my feelings, but I only wish this mess hadnt come of it. And he told me its not a mess, that Im not a mess, but that he's the one thats the mess. I just let it go with a simple, "well you better figure out your mess sooner or later."
He wanted time away and space and so far I dont see anything being different than it was. So go figure!!!!!
He wanted time away and space and so far I dont see anything being different than it was. So go figure!!!!!
Simple, eh's just been informed with your behavior he is free to come and go at will. That you're interacting with him "on your terms and schedule" - and he's interacting with you on his.
Nobody expects anything but to enjoy one another, whenever those times are - be they 10 days, 10 hours, or 10 weeks apart.
It's not that he wanted timeand space to see if you'd run.......he wanted time and space becuase that amount of time away from you suited him.....and he's now free to take the time/space he needs.....knowing that you'll simply not see him again - if that doesn't suit your preferences.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
<< And he told me its not a mess, that Im not a mess, but that he's the one thats the mess. I just let it go with a simple, "well you better figure out your mess sooner or later." >>
Not to take the focus off of helping you here, flicks -- but, what is he so "messed up" about? What's the big MESS in his life? (at least, that you know of). Just curious.
Starbuck,
The mess in his life from what I hear and see, is that he cant be in any committed relationship with anyone. His wife broke his trust, and the destruction of his marrriage according to him, has left with the idea in his head that love is no good, and as he says "i dont do love".
Considering the fact that he asked for this time and space and has utililized it except about 5%, and the way he was today with me, leads me to beleive hes not sure he handled this right with me. First off, since he told me about this space thing, Ive not called or initiated any contact with him. It may not be very honest of me, but I think because it hurt me, that I threw this tough side up and hes not to sure what to think. Second, he saw an arrangement of flowers on my table today and looked a few times, but never asked about them. I caught him gaze at them about 3 times. Third, what I mean about the way he was with me today is that, he was more affectionate than usual. He just held me and held me in his arms. Not that Im complaining ! LOL It was nice.
But no matter what has transpired today or yesterday or happens tomorrow, I need to stay on the path Ive put myself on these last few days. He knows how I feel and he knows what Im looking for in life, the rest has to come from him. Im tired of crying and hurting, it just shouldnt be this way. I went through alot of pain and hurt when my marriage went bad. This is a time I should be enjoying in my life. Dating is supposed to be fun!
So at this point, Im stepping back and letting him come to me. He needs to see that I have terms too, and this cant all be about what works for him. I have my own needs, and though I love him, I cant compromise my entire life for him. I dont play games, and Im not playing one now, Im taking care of me. Im making myself first for a change, because thats something, I realized Ive never done. I let my ex husbands needs and demands rule my life, and I never made my needs number one. I dont want to repeat that behavior again.
Erin,
Your post tended to confuse me a bit. I got the impression that you felt that I handled things the right way with him.
"knowing that you'll simply not see him again - if that doesn't suit your preferences"
Are you suggesting that he may now have the impression that if he takes the time away, that I have somehow left him with the impression that I may not be here?
<< Are you suggesting that he may now have the impression that if he takes the time away, that I have somehow left him with the impression that I may not be here? >>
If he does get that impression, all the better! Ok, work with me here for a minute: if you are willing to walk away, only then will you know his motivation or how strong his inclination is toward you. So, if you do take your leave or leave him with this impression ... what's the worst that can happen? Well, he could take his leave, too. Permenently. End of push/pull relationship that doesn't suit your wants and needs, right? In which case, you haven't LOST anything.
The only thing you've lost is your transitional "safe haven" ... someone who's helped boost you up at a time in your life when you were feeling down, in a transitional place coming out of your marriage. Something/someone that "feels good" to you is great ... but, when you're not lonely with the person you're alone with (ie, you) ... you'll know that there's so much more to accepting what you want and deserve than someone who's willing to be a "feel good" source but isn't willing to offer much more than that.
So, I say ... if you've left him with that impression, GREAT!!!!!! If he thinks you're walking away, that's good ... be willing to walk away. If anything, it will give him an opportunity to think about what he wants, while not having the benefit of having you around whenever it suits him. If he does come back around, it will then be the result of realizing that he wants to be with you. Give him all the time and space he wants. Meanwhile, you take as much as you need. If he thinks you're "just there" waiting for him while he's taking his "time and space" ... believe me, he won't be contemplating much in terms of what he needs to do. Why should he? ... if he knows you'll be right there waiting. ;-)
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Starbuck,
This is what Im going for here. I think time and space can be a great cure-all or else a breaker! I may not get the response Im looking for, but at this point Im willing to accept that even as painful as it maybe. Ill be honest, today, Im not ready to walk away 100%, or give up what you refer to as my safe haven. When I weigh things out I like have him in my life, and just maybe somewhere along the way, Ive confused love for friendship or that "safe haven". When you come out of a long marriage, with you self esteem destroyed and you meet someone who builds it up for you, its so easy to fall into the wrong situation and settle for something that isnt what you really want.
I do know that I left him with the impression that his reaction and handling of these last few weeks isnt bothering me like he thought it would. Of course thats not true, but he doesnt need to know that! LOL I think with the constant questions, contact, and the checking to make sure Im not upset, is a sign that just maybe hes surprised by my reaction. I did tell him the day after he requested his space, that I decided it was a good thing for both of us, and that maybe it was what I needed right now too. When I first told him that, it was my reaction to feeling rejected, and not wanting him to see that I was hurting. But now as the days have passed and Ive spent an entire weekend "soul searching" I realized maybe it was what I needed.
Who knows, I could be wrong here, but if I pull away a little, become less dependent upon him being around to occupy my lonely quiet moments, maybe then I can find the strentgh to walk away 100% and see where my life takes me.
After all, as Ive been told, never regret the things you do or the events of your life,
for each is a learning experience for all of us, and they all make us a stronger person.
I got flowers the other day from a man who found out from a friend that things were not going well for my guy and I. With a note asking me to dinner. I put off the invitation for now, which worked out well really. Seems hes going away until this coming Sunday night. He and I dated a few times, but with the other one always in the back of my head I never gave him a chance. He does possess alot of the qualities I would be looking for, yet Im not rushing into anything there, nor do I want to create another "safe haven". I think dinner when he returns next week would be nice, but I promise, Ill move slow and just make a new friend for now, until I can straighten out my own life and feelings.
Thanks again!!
Here's the thing....you need the visual for this.
Line in the sand, each of you on either side. You have your own independent lives on either side.
If you always are keepig yourself close to that line "in case he wants contat" - there is very little of life on your side of the line that you're going to see or do. You'll want to be in close proximmity in the event he "wants you". So you'll spend infinitely more time "in and on" the relatioship - than there really is interaction in play between you two.
ALL he's doing this....on his side of the line - he goes where he wants and does what he want s- in terms of his obligations, his goals, and his options. He comes close to the line when "being around you" would be pleasing or pleasurable to him. He's not sitting on his side of the line, never wanting to leave it's proximity "in case you need something".
If you're really healthy - you'll do th esame thing he's doine. You won't structure your time or goals around him, and you won't rely on him to meet your needs. You'll simply enjoy what exists between you when you go to the line - and find him there.
As you're reading this you're going 'what if I go and he's not there" - well, that's fine. It doesn't mean he won't be there again - you just call an arrange a meeting so that knows to show up. Same with him regarding you.
But the way you're going about it - you're teaching him "I come when you call, I am THERE so you really don't have to call - anytime it suits you walk over to the line, and I'll be waiting to be with you."
You teach people how to treat you.......by what you do in interaction with them. What you'd be sending as a message if you're doing that is saying "I'm irrelevant, my needs are unimportant, and my needs are being met simply in you "interacting with me on your terms, for your needs".
But you're WAY overthinking this...the guy has a whole life over on his side of the line and he's going about it in ways tha tmeet his needs and standards. So he's in no NEED of you or what you offer in order to have anything but instant gratification or diversion. So he's not going to seek instant gratification or diversion at the "expense" of meeting his own needs or obligations elsewhere on his side of the line.
As long as you're doing that same thing, you'll be fine. You won't have needs that are unmet, you won't have expectations that are unmet, and you won't be in "need" of him to be anything but a source of conversation, sex and diversified amusement.
Because he's told you outright that is all you are to him.
She didn't "break his trust' - he trusted her inappropriately not to "let him down"....without assessing her character, and now that he's stuck with a life with more responsiblities than he bargained for he's not going to "make that mistake again."
In short, he's either creating baggage unintentionally and that'll hold him back. Or else he's using baggage that doesn't exist as an excuse not to "get on the plane of a relationship".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin,
Thanks, your post left me with alot to think about. Its amazing, seems like you know me better than I know myself!!
Your right, I am overthinking this way too much. I guess bottom line is Im not happy with what I get from him, I want more. Problem is Im not going to get anymore!! That I truly beleive right now.
Someone else gave me similar advice (not on the board, but a friend). They said I have a choice to make.
1. I leave things as they are, and except that this is what I have with him and it may
never be anymore.
2. I sit him down, and basically in a nice way say my goodbye, telling him that I
need more in my life, and to help me make this as easy as I can on me and let us
go our seperate ways. They said at that pointI need to be prepared for what comes
because they dont beleive, he'll just up and decide he cant live without me! And I
will no longer have him at all in my life. Also, that he may come back, but he'll
probably come back and still want the relationship to be what it is now.
So I think I need to do as you said, and live my life on the other side of the line for now. Maybe I can look to the line somedays and see if he's there. I beleive if I ever needed him, he would be. He has proven that time and time again. Only thing is he cant be there for what I want.
I think I need alittle time to heal, and then move on with life on my side. I honestly dont think I was ready yet for all this emotion and feeling. I think I got in over my head way too soon, since my seperation. My divorce will be final soon and maybe I need to spend more time taking care of me, and being happy with me. I cant depend on someone else to bring me my happiness, I need to find it myself!
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