Update & Thanks to All

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Update & Thanks to All
3
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:40am

Hi Everyone!!

Just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone for your input and advice these past few weeks. You all gave me alot to think about and I really beleive thats what I needed to do more than anything else for me. Ive spent a good bit of time thinking, soul searching and trying to decide what I needed to make me happy!!

Just to update the situation, things are very good right now with my guy. I took the advice of most of you and I stepped back and gave him the space he wanted, and instead of looking at this space as a bad thing I took some for myself too, and used my time wisely.

I sat back and let him make the moves and pursue me. And to tell you the truth it has made me start to already feel better.

WINGBLADE---- I stayed away from that line like you said, I let him walk to the line and look for me. AND HE SHOWED UP!!! He actually got to that line a couple of times lately and didnt find me there. This past weekend he called me and I could tell something was on his mind. It was late in the evening and unlike him to call that late. He finally asked me what was wrong. He wanted to know if I was "kicking him to the curb"? I told him no, but that I felt that things were not working out to well for us lately. He said to me that he felt as if I was. I went on to remind him that he was the one that wanted the time and space and Im just obliging him, and spending time making myself happy.

In closing, he went on to say that, my feelings for him and his for me make him uneasy at times, and that maybe he was wrong for how he handled it, and that this SPACE wasnt what he really wanted.

We finally planned an evening together, for this thursday, I havent seen him for about a week and a half now. Im still planning on taking things at this new pace, and not letting myself just jump back in to the deep end of the pool. For I have realized that there are things that I need to work on for me and that I am worthy of much more than what I have let others give to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:47am

Hi flicksgirl!

If you reference your last paragraph frequently...and think about the words you wrote, Pianoguy is willing to bet that this (and any future) relationship WILL WORK VERY WELL FOR YOU?

Best wishes, warm thoughts and good luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 6:57pm

Pianoguy,

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. Im trying very hard to work on myself and getting my thoughts together. I reread my last paragraph, and I think Ill keep it around for future reference!! Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 7:29pm

My reality has been this - in four very unfulfilling, unproductive, unsuccessful, choas ridden marriages that spanned 14 years...and one great, delightful, couldn't want it any better than this relationship of 6....with a 5 year gap in between to "find me". So I didn't lose me in future relationships!

But i had to see this from "my" side - not theirs - because I became the only guy I was ever married to that was "worth marrying really".

The amount and type of interaction a person wants once a relationship has formed that is exclusive, is committed - they committed becuase "how it is right now works for them".

It was me always trying to "get more" using the "aisle/altar/hymn = I'll alter him" theory - or believing that with every new "title" came more options and involvement or inclusion - that did me in all those years. Truly, I was my own worst enemy.

So two years after we started dating, I realized in full why in great part this worked. First, I literally had the very same mindset, interests, pursuits and goals and "organization in life" - that I had while single - while dating him. I'd spent 5 years creating a great life - and wasn't willing to lose much, in order to "include someone else"...they had to be a great deal like me.

I found we got along and still do because we want a similar type and percentage of interaction and intertwining in one another's lives. I really have no more of his attention than I did after infatuation faded.....but I don't fear "losing his attention" - as a result either.

He has no more of my attention or adoration than eh had post-infatuation...but he's certainly earned my respect and admiration of his character over time, as life has unfolded and I've admired the way he's handled life. He's mentioned the same regarding me.

I look back now and realize "the type of relationship we have now" - I had this at 20 - with the one person I always said was a responsible, mature, reliable, person. It was just back then I needed identity, security, success, and completion and thought 'marriage" was the ticket to all that with a ring and a title and a ceremony. So I needed to have nothing to attend to but me and my needs and feelings....and he had a life, he had goals, he was responsible, and he was complete - he wasn't looking to "lose himself in me' - or anywhere else. He'd created himself completely and had no willingness to lose himself whatsoever, he wanted enjoyment in his life - and at first I was that, till we got intertwined to the point I strangled myself trying to get more out of him than was ever appropriate to get.

But how he handled our split - said volumes about his character. I often jokingly remarked years ago that i hoped when i grew up - I'd be like him in terms of character and integrity. That's because he iddn't lose himself in our relationship - that he had no need or desire ot lose his dignity or his self-respect in our split.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com