Update: Working on Me
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| Sat, 03-04-2006 - 6:56am |
I just wanted to take a minute and thank all of you for your advice these past few months. I took bits and pieces from each of you and started to find my way. This board has become my lifesaver and your all wonderful people.
As you know already, my relationship with bf has been anything but consistent and normal. I realized that alot of that was me. I found out after alot of soul searching that I was scared of being hurt again, and for some odd reason, I beleived if he committed to me that would insure my happiness.
Well guess what, Im making my own happiness!!! I looked in the mirror and I saw a great woman, who looks good for 45, a good mother, a loving caring person. Shes, funny, sensual, dedicated and maybe even sexy!! LOL I then decided that I liked that person, though she needs some work. LOL I also realized that if that person wasnt good enough for him, then oh well!! Someone else will, but what was most important was that I loved the person I saw.
I stepped back a few steps, and went about my life. I started doing things that I enjoyed and stopped waiting for him to make me a priority in his life. Well in a short time, he reacted, and has done little things to let me know, I am a priority. I never had to be 1st priority, I didnt expect to be. But I found it amazing how when a man thinks hes losing what he has that he turns into someone else!
I know Im important in his life, and thats good enough for now. We have great times together, and things are better all the time. JUST MAYBE he saw the insecure side, and prefers the secure side.
Im happy, feeling more secure about me, and Im happy with our relationship right now. I plan to stay this route, because I think its a job I never finished when my husband left home 18 months ago. Im back to enjoy my time to myself, doing home projects, exercising, eating well etc.............Those little home projects are such a feeling of acomplishment and independence, it feels good!!
Thanks again to all!!

flicksgirl...
PG congratulates you on your ability to "find yourself and nuture your feelings!" This is a difficult task for many men and women after they've gone through a breakup!
One of the few advantages of being single is our ability to "regulate how much of a social life we wish to have?" Some singles need to be OUT THERE constantly...while others prefer to attend to their own needs FIRST and add new people to the mix when they feel like it?
One thing for certain...NOBODY likes the idea (or prospect) of being hurt by anybody. But it's amazing how a past 'bad experience or two' can make us realize that we're under no obligation to RUSH INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP....IF WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO!
Pianoguy
Piano Guy,
Thanks for the response and the kind thoughts. Im working really hard here on this.
One thing Im having trouble getting past is trust. Have any advice on that one????
My stbx (anytime now) cheated on me after 21 years of marriage. And as you may know from my other posts, the guy Ive been dating for the past 7 or 8 months, was originally seeing someone else when we met. I didnt know in the beginning, but I did find out and allowed it to continue, thinking things would change.
Well they did. Shes gone and Im still in his life. But I have a horrible time trusting him now. I want to, but my heart cant let go. We talk everyday, and if the call doesnt come one day or maybe even 2 days go by, right away I become emotional and my mind wanders and wonders!!
Have any suggestions on how I get beyond this???
Hello again, flicksgirl!
Since you're a regular to this and some of the other ivillage LOVE & SEX boards, you pretty much know Pianoguy's thoughts when it comes to ATTEMPTING TO REGAIN TRUST? .
My only suggestion is to try and look at each NEW B/F (including the current one) for the person HE IS! Don't compare his behavior to that of someone else? While I'm sure you'll find a few similarities in words, demeanor, and mannerisms that could easily trigger a past thought about an EX....you (nor any woman) should lump all men in the same category. Like yourselves, MALES have their weaknesses as well as their strengths...and expecting us to behave like a past acquaintance IS VERY UNFAIR!
If you're reluctant to commit yourself to somebody else...never lose sight of the fact that NOBODY is forcing you to!!! Take your relationship at a pace that's comfortable. If your 'pace' and his are completely OUT OF SYNC with one another....wouldn't you rather know this NOW? Discovering it after so many months of marriage (or an FWB arrangement) will only make your lives miserable!
Unless the 2 of you have mutually agreed to 'exclusivity and a definite marriage date', there's very little reason to rush things, is there?
Here's the most important suggestion I can toss in your direction:
You CAN'T live your life "waiting around for a phone call?" You have other stuff to do!
Pianoguy
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about yourself and your relationship.
Re the trust thing though...that's a tough one, because he's *shown* you that he's not above being deceptive (assuming the other woman thought they were exclusive, etc), so you know he's capable of that behavior. And it's my firm belief that unless someone works to actually *change* the underlying morals and values that allow them to cheat/lie/whatever, then they are always going to be capable of it. So if you ever get to the point of getting more serious with this man, I'd definitely make this an issue to discuss in couples/pre-marital counseling so you can get to the bottom of why he was willing to cheat on her, and whether he's willing to do the work to change his morals/values. Because unless that happens, you can never really trust that he won't do it to you.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Thanks for the post. Though Im feeling better about myself and my relationship with him its far from all fixed. LOL I suppose Im what you call a "work in progress"!!!
Im on a bit of a down swing on the trust element, and uncertain that I can ever get beyond it. Im feeling that sometimes dealing with the trust issue is more than I can handle at this point in my life.
Example: For the past 2 weeks he has phoned ME, usually 2x a day. Well I saw him Thursday night, then he called me friday afternoon. Told me him and the boys were heading to the beach for the weekend to his parents house, but said that he would call me. Well here it is Sunday evening, and I havent spoke to him since then. Maybe theres a good explanation, but with the trust issue looming over my head, you can only imagine what Im thinking. That and the fact that it hurts to be forgotten.
I suppose I have alot more soul searching to do, and I only can decide what to do with my life and with my relationship with him. I imagine what concerns me is we've been together for what 8 months in total. Feelings have developed, yet if I can never get beyond the trust issue, how can the relationship continue??? Got any thoughts on that one Sherri??
I agree, I don't think it can...so if you are ever hoping to take it to the next level, you'd need to deal with it head on, and I think the only effective way to do that is through counseling.
Sheri
Sheri,
Well I suppose this is all part of me getting my life in order and finishing finding me. Im trying to set goals and define what I want for the rest of my life. Im actually thinking of going back to school at night, to gain some skills, so I can advance at work or find a better job.
As far as he goes, he contacted me this morning and offered up a lame excuse for the absence of contact all weekend. Im trying to do some serious thinking here about the future and what part he plays in mine. I dont want to make any rash decisions, I want to really think things through. But Im at the point where Im not sure hes the guy for me.
Erin aka wingblade, offered me alot of insight into life and working on me. Deciding what I wanted. Ive tried to do that, and sometimes what you come up with, isnt what you would expect.
I love him, but sometimes love isnt enough. I dont care for the way he treats me at times, hes not mean, hes just not what fits for me. I have questions for him that I have no anwsers to, because Ive allowed myself to be intimidated by his response. Thats not healthy or good at all!! Do you know I never got the guts up to ask him about why he never invites me to his home???? Pretty pathetic huh??
At this point Im not sure I want to lose him in my life, but the only solution I can come up with is to just put it all out there. My feelings on different things, my questions etc. If he walks away, I guess thats what happens. Its a chance I take. But if he does, I wasnt that important to him. Or maybe he's just a foolish man that doesnt understand that there are things a woman needs in return. Like when you call and leave a message, you like a call back. When you talk about taking a woman to lunch but cant decide if you want to do that or go chop wood on your day off, well Im sure most woman would say that would prefer to be chosen over the wood!! LOL And yes, hes done that to me!! Actually he did again today. He picked the wood instead of me. Talk about not being a priority. I guess it all comes down to, me wanting to be more of a priority to someone, and he just cant do that.
Have any thoughts to share?? Good/Bad or otherwise. Am I least on the right track here? Lord knows Im trying Sheri. Im searching for my inner happiness and its a long road.
<< Feelings have developed, yet if I can never get beyond the trust issue, how can the relationship continue??? >>
Quite frankly, it can't continue. Without trust, you don't have a relationship that's solid. Trust is part of the foundation of any relationship, friendship. As Erin's said before (since you've quoted her here) ... trust isn't "I trust you not to hurt me" ... it's "I trust your character."
That said, you have to know what a person stands for, what they value, what their priorities in life are, etc.
I agree with Sheri 100% in what she said in post #5. He's shown you, based on how you started your relationship, that he's capable of deceiving someone else. That doesn't mean that he'll do that to you, with you ... but, you already DO know that he's capable of it. And, unless he's changed that ... changed the lack of valuing exclusivity in a relationship (ie, if one person believe that she's in an exclusive relationship with a guy, while he's seeing someone new prior to breaking it off ... that doesn't exactly constitute valuing exclusivity, right?) ... then, yes, you have reason to not trust him.
On the same token, you knew that from very early on ... so, there's also an onus of responsiblity on your part for what you know you accepted about the situation.
Bottom line, you either choose to trust him ... or you don't. If it's up to him to PROVE to you that he's trustworthy, on the surface, I'd say he's not there yet. There are, if looking at it at face value, things that are being kept from you (ie, his home, his friends). So, you either choose to continue accepting that or not. He's only as "in control" of this as you allow.
Keep us posted.
"He's only as "in control" of this as you allow."
This starbuck is what Im working on. I messed up here, and maybe that beings it was my first relationship that went beyond a date or two, is the reason. I had to learn about the new world I found myself in. Yet when I look back into my marriage, I see it there too. There wasnt a balance for a long time, and that was what I think killed it. I got to a point where I felt controlled and didnt know how to stop it. So I stood up to him and when I did it got worse and worse with every passing day. He became emotionally and verbally abusive and even hit or shoved me into a wall a few times.
I have set limits here with this relationship now, in my mind. Im not going to sit back and allow this to hurt me anymore. He has alot to prove to me in the area of trust and he also needs to open up the rest of his life to me. If thats not something he can do then its time to move on. As you stated there are things that he;s keeping from me and I need to know why. If Im not a part of his life in the way I WANT to be, and Im continually kept in the dark here, then its up to me to decide if thats how I want to live. If I continue to accept this from him, then that is a choice I must live with.
But the truth is, I want more than this from him, and maybe he just cant or wont give that to me. So in order to find my happiness I would then need to move on and find a relationship thats fulfills my needs and offer me more balance.