URGENT! confused - is it meant to be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
URGENT! confused - is it meant to be?
10
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:18am

Alright, my boyfriend and I of 15 months broke up about a month ago. We are still best friends, and have been for the past 4 years. We still love each other, and respect each other very much.

My ex is moving away in 4 weeks, for 16 months. Our situation is complicated, but the reason why we broke up in the first place was because we hit a rut, and my ex felt like the spark just wasn't there anymore, and that he wasn't ready to make a 16 month long distance committment when the spark just wasn't as strong as it was.

Recently, we went to a hockey game together, it has been about 2 weeks since we talked/seen each other. And we both realized that we still have feelings for each other. Neither of us know what to do about it, because we're out of time, he is leaving in 4 weeks and neither of us feel comfortable making the long distance committment, yet the fact that we still feel so strongly about each other concerns me a lot. At first during the day of the hockey game, my ex was being very affectionate, we were kissing, and basically acting like we were still dating. We talked about our feelings, and what we should think of them. At one point, I asked him what he thinks about our relationship, and he said, "this is what I think" and then he kissed me on the lips, and it was so bittersweet. It's like we both want it to work, but at the same time, we don't know if it's the right thing to do. I'll be turning 21 in a few weeks, and I don't know if i should putting my life on hold for him during this long distance thing, although I feel like in my heart it's the right thing to do. Guys like him don't come around everyday, and I don't want to make the wrong decision and have any regrets down the road.

Later that night after the game, I asked him if he wanted to give it another try. He said that he wanted to, but that he still didn't feel comfortable continuing it over the 16 months. He said that unless we got together now and had a miraculous time together for the last 4 weeks, that only then would he feel better about it, feel that we're making the right choice. But with school (we're both univeristy students) it's going to be hard to make that kind of committment for the short time that we have left together.

At first i told him that I didn't want to do that, because I was scared that if we were to get back together for the short time, I'd reattach myself to him, and it would be so hard to see him go... but then later on i thought that if we didnt give it a try, then we would never know if we made the right decision...

Any advice? I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I feel like he is just as confused as me... he can't think to not have each other over the 16 months, yet he wants to see new people, because we are only 21... The fact that I am suddently willing to make this committment, is concerning me... You don't realize how much you care for something until you lose it, and that's how we've both felt over the past month that we have been broken up. How can I convince my ex that this was meant to be? Is it? I don't know what to think anymore... any comments would be greatly appreciated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:48pm
All relationships hit a rut...lose that spark. It happens in all relationships..including marriage. You can't run away when you don't feel that loving spark anymore. Those ruts happen all throughout life and relationships...whether you have been together for 1 year or married for 20 years you'll hit a rut more than once! Thats when you have to figure out is it love? Do I truly love this person? If you do then you will find a way to work thru it and bring that spark back. Anything could help...talking about the past ("remember the first time you said i love you?")...doing something new together (i.e. sailing, hiking, anything new that you haven't done or haven't done in a long time)...making one another feel special...seeing a certain movie even helps sometimes. The key is you have to be willing to work thru it...good times and bad! Relationship are not easy...they require a lot of work and a lot of maintenance! You have to be willing to put forth that effort to make it work! If there is true love there and good communication, friendship, love, laughter, even tears...its worth it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:35pm

you're right, i've been willing to work it through, but my ex hasn't... i think he's just really confused in what he wants in life right now, with him going away for 16 months... and i feel the same way. But i am certain about my feelings towards him, and I would drop my uncertainties the second that he would agree with me that this is the way to go. We're getting together in a few days, so we'll be able to talk some more.

thanks again for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:06pm

hey again, i just thought of something else to add...

I'm not sure how things are going to go when we speak this friday, but the following thought came to mind today... As I explained before, the last time that we spoke at the game, my ex was being very affectionate, and was acting like he wanted things to continue, yet i know we both felt weird about it. By the end of the night, i thought there was actually a possibility that things might work. Then reality hit. We were waiting to catch the bus home, and we started to talk again about what we should do. He told me that if we started things up again, he didn't feel comfortable continuing it after he leaves. He said that if we did get back together, that maybe we would have the most amazing last 6 weeks together that would change everything, but with school (we are both in 3rd university, end of the term, exams are about to start) there's less likely of a chance we would have time to dedicate the time that we need to make this happend. I agree with him, but at the same time, if we both want it badly enough, we would find the time. I am willing to give it a try, and I'm going to ask him when i see him this week if he is as well. If he says that he isn't willing to, or still hesitant, is this a sign that it was not meant to be? I suddenly feel so determined to make this work, because he is really special to me, and we share a connection that i know we will never share with anyone else. My ex is stubborn, he's the type that realizes things when it's too late to go back, and for once in my life, i want him to actually listen to his heart, and not his head. I was listening to my head for the longest time also, but my heart just keeps on shouting louder. I don't want to have any regrets in this relationship, and i would regret not giving this another shot.

am i hoping for a miracle? or is there hope in this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 10:12pm

<< If he says that he isn't willing to, or still hesitant, is this a sign that it was not meant to be? >>

I realize that the title of this board is "Is it Meant to Be?" ... BUT, realistically, it anything MEANT TO BE?

I think that as you get older and more experienced with life and relationships (no offense meant to be taken, it's just that ... at 21, you are still young and have a lot to experience) ... you'll find that "meant to be" means that "I am in control of my destiny, as per my choices in life." Things don't just happen and fall into place because they're "meant to be" ... unfortunately, life isn't that simple (if only it were!)

So, it seems you're both wanting to be together, knowing that there's a pending inevitability that you ARE going to be apart. So, you accept that. You enjoy what time you have together without projecting into the future. You accept that he's leaving for 16 months, and that it's up to YOU and you alone to go about your life while he goes about his. You let things happen as they need to along the way ... maintain your friendship (if it isn't too difficult for you) ... respect his decision to see other people, if that's what he wants ... you choose what's BEST FOR YOU. Because, no one else can know what's best for you. Only you.

So, you might discover that you ARE willing to see other people. During that time, if it so happens that you are still maintaining close touch with your ex and that there's a possiblity of getting back together when he gets back ... then, time will tell. But, as of this day, you just don't know. And, neither does he. Neither of you can KNOW that, for sure. Because, there are no guarantees in life ... no way of predicting the future (obviously).

You simply go about your life and continue doing what's best for you. Sure, there will be an urge to wait for him. But, don't forget to do what's best/right for you. If waiting for him is what's right for you ... then wait. Just be mindful of not putting your life on hold in the meantime. Let it take its course. It will happen as its going to happen because of the CHOICES you BOTH make ... not because it's just "meant to be" (or not).

Good luck! Just trust yourself and the process. You'll be fine, no matter what HE chooses. Ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:53pm

Yea, i understand... it's just really weird right now. I feel like I want to do some exploring while he's gone, and I want him to do the same. But at the same time, I have these expectations that when he gets back home, we will get back together again... I don't think that's a good way to look at things, since there's a chance i might get disappointed in the end, and i'm just setting myself to get hurt.

I guess what's really bothering me in all of this, is the fact that the only reason why we're not continuing things is because he's leaving. If he wasn't moving away, we'd be back together, and who knows where that would have led us. It's just we've been put in a pickle of a situation, and i think it's really unfair. but i guess that's what life is all about...

I want to talk to him about the possibility of getting back together after he come back home, but i feel stupid asking, because neither of us can tell the future, and we don't know what's going to happen... i just hope that we can find ourselves back together again, i just wish there could be some guarantees.

It's kinda like we both need some space to figure things out, to grow. And I feel like when he does come back, all this growing seperately will benefit our relationship that much more.

I want to talk about things like this to him more, to see what he thinks, but i don't want to seem like i'm nagging him, or making him think like i'm holding on to something that isn't even definite... you know? I just feel like every thing we talk about our relationship, i feel better about things, and i understand more what he thinks, and where he's coming from...

any suggestions? how would you approach him with such a question? would you even ask it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 12:54pm

I know this is an older thread and have no clue what happened over the weekend, but I wanted to throw out a few things.


1. If you are hoping for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 8:15pm

thanks for you response inkeddogmom.

i think we are both confused with what we want, and that's why we're still being affectionate with each other. The long distance relationship is not an option for either of us, neither of us want to go through with it.

At first I was thinking like you, that by not setting bounderies i was letting the relationship go, and I was disrespecting myself. But things are complicated... it's like we both know our time is limited, and we don't know what the future holds for us... so it's like we're trying to suck in as much as we can until it's gone.

this whole LDR thing has just really come at a bad time... it's like we both want it so bad, but under the circumstances, it's just not a wise decision. One of my personal reasons for this is because it wouldn't be fair to him. I am entering my 4th year, graduating year, of university next fall, and it's just going to be really hard to juggle both school and a LDR. I don't want him to feel left out. If this relationship was to succeed, it would require me to put 100% of my effort into it, and during school, that just won't be possible.

I'm at a point where i'm very calm and content about things, but at the same time scared to bits. The idea of never getting back with him scares me. And I'm nervous to hear him start dating other people... even though i could be in a relationship, i will still wonder. I hate wondering! I wish it would all just leave me alone...

Is it really that important to set the bounderies? he isn't using me at all, because i am in this relationship completely aware of what I'm doing, and the consequences that come with it. He even asked me whether i would like to continue being just friends, or 'friends with benefits' and i gave in... so this isnt any of his fault, it's mine.

is it such a bad thing for us to squeeze in as much time that we have together? i just feel like if we weren't more than friends right now, i'd regret it... if we were completely in control of things right now, i'd be moving with him to live together for 16 months, but i have school to attend... it's a very complicated situation. we both want it, but it's just not a good idea...

has anyone else ever been in this kind of a situation? has anyone ever left their lover during a LDR, and then reunited with them when they returned? is it likely for this to happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:14pm

<< if we were completely in control of things right now, i'd be moving with him to live together for 16 months, but i have school to attend... it's a very complicated situation. we both want it, but it's just not a good idea...>>

I know it might be difficult to understand RIGHT NOW, but ... you're only 21 and there's so much more in store for you. I know it's hard to see the big picture, the "forest thru trees" as the saying goes ... when you're young, but ... the big picture of it is, you're BOTH at a transitionary stage of your life. Neither of you is settled into your careers, etc. Therefore, it's pretty difficult to plan out your life with someone ELSE in it.

It may seem complicated, but ... it's just a factor of where you are at in your lives right now. In 5 years, 10 years ... you'll be much more settled into your life, in terms of it being where it's supposed to be ... but, as it is, you're both just starting out. Which is far from being ready much less ABLE to plan a life with someone else (big picture).

<< has anyone else ever been in this kind of a situation? >>

Sure. Most people have. When I was 26 (I think, there or abouts), I had a BF of about a year ... being in our mid-20s, both of us were still growing our careers, etc. He had an opportunity to move 300 miles away for a job, so he did. We did the LDR thing for about 5 months after he moved. But, BIG PICTURE, I wasn't in a position to move, nor was I going to move FOR HIM (basically, leave my family, friends, my job, my life as I knew it ... without a committment from him, nor was I TRULY ready for that type of committment, and deep down, I knew that). Nor was he sure if he'd be moving back.

<< has anyone ever left their lover during a LDR, and then reunited with them when they returned? is it likely for this to happen? >>

As for my expereience, we ended it not because there was anything wrong with US, but because ... it wasn't our time. Circumstances weren't in our favor. Yes, that sucks ... but, it just wasn't in the cards. We remained friends, drifted apart ... reconnected a couple of years later ... he was still in the same town that he'd moved to ... at that point, I'd also moved about 100 miles away (further) ... but, didn't resume a relationship, though we "toyed" with it because neither of us were involved with anyone else at the time. But, still, circumstances weren't in our favor. But, ah, the connection was still there. :)

Anyhoo, 10 years later ... I'm grateful for that relationship. It was a good one. It just wasn't in the cards ... because, neither of us were settled into remaining in one place, we were both still building our careers, etc.

You WILL get to a point in your life where you WILL be settled down ... personally, individually ... and THEN you will be in a position to make plans, set goals with another person ... someone who is also settled into his life.

It's just part of the growing process. Hang in there, you WILL get there. It's just a little early for you, yet. I know, that's not easy to hear. But, all you can do is continue going about your life, reaching for and achieiving your goals. The rest will fall into place in due time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:07am

i don't think it's so much about him using you, than it is you allowing your heart to hope and wish

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 12:56pm

Thanks for your response. I understand what I'm getting myself into, and I really feel good about breaking it off over the 16 months, we are only 21 years old, and I feel like we're both making the best decision in not continuing this over the 16 months.

As I said before, i can't tell what the future will bring, and I don't know where we will be in 16 months when he comes back home, but I would like to get back together if it's possible. Either way, he will always be my best friend, and i consider myself lucky to have such a great relationship/frienship with him.

I like hearing others experiences, it helps me a lot to put things in perspective. Has anyone else ever left their lover over a LDR, and then got back together when they came back? What are you experiences with this kind of situation?

Thanks again!