Valentines Gift? What to do?????
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| Sat, 02-11-2006 - 7:57am |
Anyone else out there wondering what to do about Valentines Day and a gift for somebody they are dating?
I made my guy a gift basket of different snacks, candies, a coffee mug, a special made Tshirt with his name on it. The theme of if is crabbing. He loves to crab and tells me hes the master crabber. I have cookies with crabs on them, and even foil covered chocolate crabs!! We are both waiting for the spring/summer as he has promised me a day out on his boat crabbing together. I even put a water proof disposable camera in there for pics of our day together.
Heres the thing, I dont think hes much on the romance/valentines day thing. As I posted before hes a bit gun shy on the word "love" ! LOL
Now that I have the gift, Im feeling anxious about giving it him. I kept it simple and its something about us, because I thought simple would be best. We've been dating about 7 months now.
What if I give it to him, and he has nothing for me? I dont want to make him feel uncomfortable or bad. Im not giving to him with the need for something back in return, I did it because I love him and I wanted to do something fun and special for him.
What should I do? I know this seems silly but I havent bought another man a vday gift for over 21 years, its an odd feeling, but a good feeling. As you all know he can be a bit of a committment phobic (getting better lately, but he still keeps that small wall up in place).
I put alot of time and thought into this gift, and now Im wondering what to do with it? Help me out girls and guys. Tell me what you think. Any guys out there ever have a girl give them a vday gift and found themselves empty handed? How did it make you feel?
OH PIANO GUY I KNOW YOU A THOUGHT OR TWO TO HELP ME OUT HERE!! SO LETS HAVE IT!! LOL

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Sweetie,
Thanks so much for the response, and the kind words. I did put alot into this gift, I shopped at about 6 different places, and searched the internet for hours on end, to find just the right things.
I havent given it to him yet, because I wont see him today, not until tomorrow. I really think he will love it too. Ive never been much for Valentines Day. Maybe its because its always been such a let down for me over the years. There is so much put into it commercially and in society. I think if you love someone you should show them whenever, not just because its Valentines Day.
Good luck with your new guy. Hope it works out well for you.
<< I havent given it to him yet, because I wont see him today, not until tomorrow.>>
Flicks, how'd it go? Did he like the gift?
(Ps -- what was his reason for not being able to see you on Valentine's Day?)
His reason for not seeing me on Vday is because its his night with his kids. And no I didnt give him the gift. I dont understand at all why I reacted that way. Im always a giving person, and dont look for gifts in return. But when he showed up with nothing for me, I felt awkward, disappointed, and I just froze. I took all the emotions and shoved them deep down inside for a few hours. Once he left, I cried. NOT LIKE ME AT ALL!!! Maybe somewhere deep down inside I was hoping for something, maybe I needed something to make me feel secure. Pretty silly isnt it????
I actually told him this morning I had a gift for him, but forgot it with him rushing out to get home to the boys!! He said oh really, and I said I can give it to you next time I see you and he said okay, Ill most likely see you over the weekend. And that was it!!
To be honest Im trying to keep my head on straight here, and keep working at this relationship that I want with him. But Im reaching a point here, where Im up and down emotionally, because I feel like I cant just be me. He always tells me to just be me, but when Im me I seem to do the wrong things with him. Im not sure how much more I can take, or how much more patience I can find inside of me. But I also know that if I think of walking away it hurts so much. I keep telling myself to slow down,be happy, things have progressed just at a slow pace.
But see heres another thing, Im a romantic person! One more thing he's not. And not to compare, but it was a complaint of mine with my ex husband.
Im always a giving person, and dont look for gifts in return. But when he showed up with nothing for me, I felt awkward, disappointed, and I just froze
Your two statements back to back show your conflict of motivation perhaps. If you're "uncomfortable" giving the gift or not getting a gift becuase of the "type" of occasion it is - that's quasi understandable. We all have doubts about whether to give the departing boss a token and that sort of thing.
But basically, you wanted to give him this gift to show him you adore him. And that was the purpose of the gift according to your previous post. Your "loving or liking him" isn't contingent on "if you like me back as much as I like you".
It's very obvious becuase of where this guy is in his life in terms of parenting, professionally and locationally that you're in a "kermit/miss piggy relationship". You acknowledging it, adjusting your expectations, would alleviate this moments or allow you to move on.
Kermit was never committed to Missy Piggy. He liked her, he enjoyed her, he loved in the moment times with her....but she wasn't integral to his fun, excitement, enjoyment -s he added to that at times.........but she also added stress and obligations at times as well. To Kermit - Miss Piggy was a wonderful girl. (Notice the period at the end of that sttatement). HE thought she had outstanding qualities personally.....but he wasn't revolving his character or life around her.
Miss piggy was entirely another matter........her entire persona hinged on "Kermit is MY froggie"........from the pet name "Kermie"......to her constantly attemptin to pull him into her activities and interactions, and mentioning him in her conversations, and including him without him being present in her schedule and plans.......indicated to all that to Miss Piggy - Kermit was THE FROG to beat all frogs.
Notice Miss Piggy did what she thought "Kermit" would appreciate her for doing...and she also didn't hesitate to "hit" him when he talked kindly to the waitress serving them the gourmet meal. So when Kermit was around Miss Piggy -he was rather off-limits to being his fun, expansive, self...and he was more limited to being "her frog".
You are in a disparity of desire relationship or a Kermit/Miss Piggy relationship. You want more out of this, and you're putting more into this, and you're revolving more around it than he is.
It's not his kids, it's not his work, it's not the distance.....it's that becuase his work, his kids are his priority - the "distance" doesn't bother him because it means he doesn't have constant interaction and involvement - and thus your reliance on him.
If he wanted more involvement, more attachment, more intertwining - he'd have found someone to date that was closer, so that they'd have more availability in light of his priorities and obligations to interact, to enjoy one another.
What you're doing is typical however........becuase it involves denial. You're claiming you want a relationship of commitment....of involvement...of intertwining....and then you seek subliminally situations and circumstances that prevent that from happening. It's your rational mind's way of protecting you from your own self-destructive tendencies - because you're "emotionally driven'.
Your emotional self wants relief and release, it wants to be heard, to be responded to and placated.......so your feelings are being used as facts, goals, calls to action, tools of cognition and in a high prioritization at the conscious level of your reasoning patterns - which determines what you do in situations.
Rational you is aware that emotional you has been fed, coddled, placated, and pampered to the point of"Jabba the Hutt" status - a huge blob that sits there whining in a cavern while it sounds so overwhelming ominous it must not be ignored.
So rational you says "okay, we can't shut that emotional self up...and its got to believe temporarily that it's being facilitated and placated, but we're only going to get involved with what presents with with no rational possibility of payout - as that emotional animal wants and expects."
So that's why you froze....you're uncomfortable admitting "I like you more than you appear to like me - based in external element in this moment in time". You're uncomfortable admitting "I want more of this than just in the moment fun and sex for the next several years until your priorities are shifted due to lessened responsiblities wehre at this point you'll determine "waht" you want - not who you want, and it's unlikely to be me".
so you froze....and you did the emotiionally driven, scripted manipulation thing. 'I've got a gift for you, I'll give it to you next time we see one another"....that's putting him on notice "show up with a token or expect a torrent of tears".
If he wants to placate emotional you (which is what your ex meant about you were "too emotional" - aka - immature, overly sensitive, emotionally driven).......he'll show up with a token.........and you'll automatically begin to read into it what he means or intends as a result.
Scripted manipulation is now playing against you however....because you're giong to wonder did he do this becuase he was served notice in a subtle way - or did he do this becuase he wants to? Naturally, being non-communicative with him honestly, you'll have to ponder it thru on your own to the point of emotional upset....which will inflict on you that Jabba the Hutt beast whining incessantly and loudly - no matter where you are, or what you're diong or who you're with.
You're going towards a relationship attepting to resolve your inner conflict. You're taking it outward for validation, resolution, explanation, acceptance. It won't work.
But see heres another thing, Im a romantic person! Everybody defines romance differently - and since romance is typically defined by external actions having emotional implications or intentions...what do you mean when you say "I'm a romantic person"....ironically - most people that say it mean they're "emotional or sensitive, or always reading into the actions of others motivations and intentions"...they do'nt really mean they're "romantic"......romance is not seduction. And flirtation is not seduction either. So how is "romantic" displayed in your definition - it is an obviously outward set of actions....or is displayed by actions you imbue as situatons arise that make you "feel" emotionally squishy?
One more thing he's not. And not to compare, but it was a complaint of mine with my ex husband.
Well, we do tend to appeal and find appealing the same type of person as in the past. No matter were you go, there you are.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
<< His reason for not seeing me on Vday is because its his night with his kids. And no I didnt give him the gift. >>
Flicks,
Erin offered a most EXCELLENT "beneath the surface" motivations analysis. But, let's look at things on the surface.
Valentine's Day is his night with the kids? Uhhh? Christmas, sure! That's a holiday for the kids. But, Valentine's Day ... that's a holiday for lovers (and I use the word 'holiday' as associated with V-Day very loosely ... it's a Hallmark holiday, we all know that ... a day of expectations ... Romance Judgement Day ... as Spice called it in another post ... I LOVED that ... because it's SO true ... shouldn't EVERYDAY be Valentine's Day? ... in the small and simple things we do to show our love for another). But, anyway ... that's a digression.
Back to what's going on on the surface. Are you SURE the other girl/"ex girlfriend" is out of the picture? I know that I keep going back to that in my posts to you, but ... without that assurance, could that be part of your hesitancy to "be yourself with him" because you're guarded about putting yourself TOO FAR out there without knowing if you're the only one in his life? If she's not, how do you know he wasn't with her on Valentine's Day and you were his Feb. 15th date?
Of course, we don't know him. But, given the above, I don't buy the "Valentine's Day is for my kids" line ... most holiday are for the kids, but this one? (perhaps I'm wrong and other single parents can correct me on this ... but, call me crazy, I've always viewed V-Day as a day with and for your honey). At this point, even if it is for his kids, you're not at a point where he's willing to include you WITH his kids ... and share it with BOTH you and his kids.
So, I'm gonna call it as I see it ... either he spent it with someone else (since you're far enough away that you can't monitor his daily activities) ... or he just doesn't prioritize your relationship enough to WANT to spend it with you ... either way, it still leaves you wondering and wanting for more.
Well, with him having shared custody then yes I see that though Tues. was VDay does not exempt him from having to care for his responsibility of being a parent. Yes, I will call off a date or anything for my child no matter the day.
I get your point but wanted to speak on being a parent with shared custody brings different rules. It is not as cut and dry as no it is VDay and so I am not going to see my kids today because I have my SO I need to spend it with. Yea, I can see the ex running to file for full custody because of this.
Here's the only "problem" with the "its a lovers holiday/event" perception.
That'd work...if it could have been invented, marketed, and promoted ONLY in the adult sector - such as in XXX elements - LOL!
But, that's not going to sell near the amount of stuffed bears, chocolates, cards, and trinkets.
So there's "valentines day" in every classroom........those kids are prepped a month in advance to bring cards to every classmate, they're prompted based on how much attention this event receives at home to "buy something for the teacher".....
In a kid's world...there's a population of one - THE KID! Everybody else is interacted with, involved with and utilized as a beneficial to them entity. Kids don't love their parents as individuals - until they're a complete adult themselves.
So the event is now a meritous recognition not of "lovers" - but of "love" itself......and try going home and explaining to your kids "oh, I got you a big hershey kiss, but I won't be around tonight, I have a date with my lover". won't work.
If a parent is mature, responsible, and balanced.....if there's two parents at home and in harmony - kids will see a healthy, loving, equality based, interactive element between the parents....where they're aware from the beginning of thier lives that "mom and dad" are a unit...mom and dad are individuals...and mom and dad are "there for us".
Single parents have an extremely difficult time teaching a child this subliminally accepted concept. One parent is "everything" to them.........and the secondary joint parent is "everything" to them.
I can see the guy would have a difficult time telling his kids "this is an adult event structured around romance or sex so I have to spend it with flick". To them, they've been in school all day hearing this greeting from friends, the've spent a portion of the day involving in card and candy exchange and depending on their age - cupcakes and cookies and a period of the day devoted to a "party"..........hearing you're NOT daddy's special valentine....MIGHT work for little boys.....will NOT work for girls!
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thanks Philly and Erin for the perception check ... like I said "correct me if I'm wrong" (which I'm not adverse to being ... wrong, that is, ha) ... I'm not a parent (nor do I date single dads ... rarely if ever ... he'd have to be one DARN SPECIAL guy) ... so yes, I was presenting my "perception" ... not based on personal experience since I don't have kids.
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