Valentines Gift? What to do?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Valentines Gift? What to do?????
35
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 7:57am

Anyone else out there wondering what to do about Valentines Day and a gift for somebody they are dating?

I made my guy a gift basket of different snacks, candies, a coffee mug, a special made Tshirt with his name on it. The theme of if is crabbing. He loves to crab and tells me hes the master crabber. I have cookies with crabs on them, and even foil covered chocolate crabs!! We are both waiting for the spring/summer as he has promised me a day out on his boat crabbing together. I even put a water proof disposable camera in there for pics of our day together.

Heres the thing, I dont think hes much on the romance/valentines day thing. As I posted before hes a bit gun shy on the word "love" ! LOL

Now that I have the gift, Im feeling anxious about giving it him. I kept it simple and its something about us, because I thought simple would be best. We've been dating about 7 months now.

What if I give it to him, and he has nothing for me? I dont want to make him feel uncomfortable or bad. Im not giving to him with the need for something back in return, I did it because I love him and I wanted to do something fun and special for him.

What should I do? I know this seems silly but I havent bought another man a vday gift for over 21 years, its an odd feeling, but a good feeling. As you all know he can be a bit of a committment phobic (getting better lately, but he still keeps that small wall up in place).

I put alot of time and thought into this gift, and now Im wondering what to do with it? Help me out girls and guys. Tell me what you think. Any guys out there ever have a girl give them a vday gift and found themselves empty handed? How did it make you feel?

OH PIANO GUY I KNOW YOU A THOUGHT OR TWO TO HELP ME OUT HERE!! SO LETS HAVE IT!! LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 6:49pm

I think you're taking an intelligent approach.

I took the old "george washington at the Delaware" stance in my life 11 years ago. Don't expect others to do what you don't do yourself and for yourself became my motto.

It took about 4 years to get myself OUT of the situations and chaos and barriers that my increased standards, ethics, values, and priorities demanded I eliminate from my life before I could "go forward"....that 4 years was me alone paying the taxes, handling the cild, doing the do, and making a life. Getting a few interests, making some friends, learning so much about me.

At that more clear intersection, I could then make choices about what appealed to me.......and I was living in the moment.......and spent the next six years with the same approach enjoying a guy I think the world of in terms of character, can't get enough of in every way -have absolutely no claim on whatsoever, and no desire for it either.

Wouldn't change a thing....it's a wonderful world having a "weekend" boyfriend, especially at 43 where there's so much to do and see that I don't want to have to make compromises and considerations to make my life the great thing to live I never thought it could be - 11 dysfunctional and chaotic years ago!

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 12:36pm

<< So in turn my guy is not responsible for my happiness, nor is it his job to make my life feel fulfilled, or unlonely. I think I need to step back a little in time, maybe a year ago, when I was finding my way in this new life, and work on me again. >>

Very, very true there ... regarding who's responsible for your happiness. You may be having an "a-ha" moment ... at the very least, being reminding of a valuable lesson and taking it to heart.

Stepping back to where you were a year ago, before you met him ... working on you again ... think of it this way, when we're in a "state of transition" (which you are still in, given a pending divorce and rebuilding your life on your own) ... when someone else enters our life, it can be a "breath of fresh air" ... a refreshing surprise ... but, it's very easy to allow ourselves to fill a void (ie, happiness) thru someone else. Which in essence, allows another to be a distraction from ourselves and what we need to do for ourselves. Don't be too hard on yourself for it ... it's human nature ... very easy to get caught up in another that we lose sight of US!

<< I dont think Im ready for a serious relationship myself, because I have too many issues of my own to work through from the past. That doesnt mean him and I cant continue to "date" and have fun!! I just need to seperate it from thinking its anything more right now. >>

Exactly. The challenge will be not expecting or projecting more into it than what you REALLY want, in the long run. If (and the challenge for you will be in the "if") you can just enjoy his companionship, accept it for "what it is" ... without being ruled by your feelings for him ... then, you can also focus on YOU while always doing what's best for you ... without thinking about what he can bring to your life, but what you're bringing to your life. kwim?

Perhaps he's your transitional guy. You're "enjoy it for now" guy ... not your "be all, end all" guy. If it all ended today, would you be satisfied with what you had with him? Would you be glad you took the chance, allowed someone else in your life ... even if it didn't turn out to the relationship you wanted? If so, then ... by all means, continue "just dating" ... enjoy his friendship, comapanionship, sex ... the things it brings to your life.

My only concern is that you've fallen in love with him. Or have you? Something to consider. You stated << Maybe Im confusing love with reliance upon him. >>

Perhaps that is the case. Is it "void filling" or is love? Have you fallen in love with HIM? Or with the idea of him? Perhaps there are "feelings of love" (which is fine) but it's not the all-consuming "I love you" that you aspire to have in your life (a mutual and reciprocal love that respects, trusts, admires each other for who the other person is, accepts for who they are ... without wanting for more)

To that end, since the "I think I love you" is out there ... perhaps an honest conversation about what that meant to you ... if there are feelings of love involved ... is a good conversation to have. So that he knows where you are coming from. Since, you can't take that statement back ... qualifying the "I think" part of the "I love you" ... of course, that means that you have to think about and determine what that DOES mean to you. And share that with him so that he knows that the 'I love you' isn't a projection of you wanting a future with him. Have that honest conversation, after you've had some time to think it thru.

Honesty is all about feeings and review of the situation as it is. Truth is truth. There aren't versions of it. (one of my favorite lines from the movie "Something's Gotta Give" ... where Jack's character says "I always gave you some version of the truth" and Diane Keaton's character says "the truth doesn't have VERSIONS" ... to paraphase). Great movie ... you might want to watch it, as it's all about a guy who "doesn't do love" and a woman who falls hard for him.

So, you present your feelings honestly, while sharing your undeniable truths about yourself and where you're at/what you want. There's no source of conflict or confusion in that.

As for the last part of your last post, about your kids << They know of him, they know I date him, but thats it, nothing more. They are curious lately and ask alot of questions about themselves spending time with him, but I dont think Im ready for that, hes ready for that, but most important they arent ready for that. >>

I'd agree that, if you're "just dating" that your kids are separate from your time with him. I'd disagree that he's ready for that, only because ... if he were, he'd be willing to offer you that, as well. And, if he IS ready for that, then ... he wants you to offer more than what he is willing to offer, which is unbalanced. You've stated before that you haven't met his kids. I'd agree 100% with Erin in that we can only offer to others what we are willing to offer to ourselves; that's something I apply to my life, as well. If he's wanting or expecting interaction with your kids, but not his with you, then ... he's not ready for that, either (not that I'm saying you measure your equality and reciprocation by the kids ... rather, in all things you do or offer to each other).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 4:48pm

Starbuck,

I response to your last post:

Perhaps that is the case. Is it "void filling" or is love? Have you fallen in love with HIM? Or with the idea of him? Perhaps there are "feelings of love" (which is fine) but it's not the all-consuming

I think I am in love with him, Im not sure what kind of love it really is. At a time I thought it was the real thing, but I have wondered lately if its just void filling with friendship added in. I think of him all the time, and when things arent good, it hurts so much. I dont know if that means its the real thing or not. Its just lately Im wondering if Im putting all this time and effort into a relationship that will never go any further than it has. Thats not always a bad thing, just to have someone as a friend that you care about and enjoy being with. But the more posts I read here and listen to the people around me, they make it sound like, if its not going where you want then walk away.

I know some here may not agree with me on this, but Im so dam mad at him right now and mad at myself!! I sit here and I let him treat me any way he so chooses. Like I said earlier hes either smothering me or so distant! Im not here for his happiness either, and sometimes I just feel like when he wants me thats fine, and when he doesnt thats my problem. It comes down to respect! But you see I allowed this to go on!! I allowed him to come to me on his terms all the time, never mine!! Just like never being asked to his house, but yet hes always welcome at mine. Just what is it hes hiding from me or who is he hiding me from??? Or maybe hes embarrassed of me and doesnt want his friends to meet me?? These are some of the things that way so heavy on my mind. Do you think I should sit him down and discuss how he has made me feel lately next time he comes around?? OR have I no right to responses to these questions???

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 6:55pm

I can see being mad at yourself, but I don't understand being mad at him. You're the one who's settled for what he's offering, how can you be mad at *him* for that?

You can tell him how his behavior has made you feel, but that doesn't mean he'll change his behavior. You need to decide what's acceptable and what's not, and if you're not getting what you want, yes, you need to walk away.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 11:43pm

Ok it's late but I just had to share this.

Everytime my guy comes over and I notice...he's wearing plaid boxers! I started to pick on him about those so I decided to buy him some boxers for Valentines. I got three pair, one that has lips all over them (kinda silky), one that has Snoopy and Woodstock on them saying "Will you be my Valentine" and a third with Grumpy on them saying "Ok! I love you!"

I had thought about getting him a plaid pair too but ..... lol...

We had a good laugh about them when he opened the box.

I'm now trying to think of what to do for his bday in April. I was going to buy him a full - faced helmet for his motorcycle but he picked one up last weekend when the weather went below 30 here. (We're in Texas...it doesn't do that often. lol)

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