Very complicated, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Very complicated, need advice
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 4:04pm

I'll try to give the brief background...

10 years ago, my manager and I started flirting and there was an attraction there. He would have me go buy things we needed, or I would type his emails while he would stand over me and peer down my shirt (I liked it, no worries!) Twice we went out for drinks but nothing happened. Flirting continues.

During this time I am living with my boyfriend. He proposes and I accept. Manager does see ring, though he never discuss if that changes the way he feels, we never go out again but like I said flirting never stopped.

I was then promoted to management as well and moved to another location. I can't stop thinking about him. I call him and he invites me to his place. I should add here, that I am (well at this point) overweight...and insecure. Unless anyone makes a DIRECT MOVE on me I can't get it through to my head that someone is interested in me. Ok so I go to his place and I sit on one end of the couch with my arms folded looking very uninviting. He is on the other side and says "come here"...and I say no. This is a person I like very much but I can't even bring myself to go and sit next to him! What was wrong with me. No confidence at all. He eventually just says he thinks I should go (I'm thinking he got the picture that I was too nervous or unsure and was being a gentleman).

Fast forward about 2 years...I've left that company and I've lost TONS of weight. Now I'm skinny! And...I still miss him. And I'm married by the way. I decide one weekend to go to where he works. He tells me I look great. I try to hang around as much as possible to see if he will ask me out or anything...nothing. OH and he is married now. A month later I return...same deal he does nothing, but it still happy to see me. I try to call him and give him my number...nothing, he never calls me.

So here we are...10 years from when we first worked together (about 6 years from when I last saw him) and I still can not work out how much I miss and love him. I feel totally ridiculous. I'm still married. I have 2 kids now. A friend of mine that worked with us has reconnected with me and she knew the whole inside story and she and I have agreed to go and visit him again. And I've planned out making it QUITE clear my intentions. I want him.

He may have not had a second thought of me all these years. I have nothing to lose though, he isn't mine now anyway. Only face I guess, but I have to know once and for all. I want to know if he still sees something and me and if he is willing to pursue it. If not I want to know exactly what stalled us out way back then.

Am I nuts? Anyone gone through ANYTHING like this? Is it possible to be in love with someone that you never even KISSED after ten years?

Yes, I know we are both married and many people have their opinions on cheating and infidelity. I have thought this out long and hard. This is eating me away and I feel like I can no longer move on (with or without him) until I get a straight answer.

ETA: I'm not looking for anyone to leave their spouses. I just feel like something is still missing there. I'm done regretting things I didn't do in life rather than the things I did do.

Edited 5/21/2009 4:09 pm ET by redandwhitej
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 7:46pm

Warning. I don't have much sympathy or compassion for people who cheat or try to cheat. This post is not kind because I don't believe that it deserves kindness. If you can't handle brutal honesty you might not want to read any further.

You're not looking for anyone to leave their spouse here?! So what, you just want to ruin the spouses life with an affair? You want to breach vows, destroy trust, and wreck families? Well aren't you swell.

This is NOT very complicated. This is you behaving inappropriately, immorally, and despicably. You as a married woman

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 11:44pm

Kate, you are exactly right. I needed to hear that. My two friends "in the know" have encouraged me but downplayed the other side of this. I just might be obsessed...but how does one stop all these thoughts that have gone off and on for soooo long?

The rest of the story is actually much more complicated...if you need a good read here it is:

I really have no idea what to do anymore. Thank you so much for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 12:47pm


Welcome to the board. I think that the situation is complicated only because you make it so. From what you have described the man has not shown much interest besides flirting at the office. Many people joke around or 'flirt' with coworkers and it never goes beyond that.

What exactly are you looking for? Are you not happy with your spouse? Do you want to start an affair? If he had wanted one, he wouldve reciprocated it somehow and he hasn't. And there could be a million reasons why. Maybe he didn't want to get in trouble for being a manager and getting involved with an employee. Maybe he respected the fact that you were in a relationship. Who knows? The bottom line is, he doesn't want to pursue anything with you. This isn't to people who missed the chance to be in a relationship, you are just two people who worked together before and now don't.

What if he said to you, 'i have always been interested and attracted to you.' What then? Would you start an affair? That's the only I think you are looking for since you don't want anyone to leave their spouse.

Just something to think about: What if you stumbled upon an email or text from your hubby to his friend saying that he wants to see his former coworker as he can't stop thinking about her after all these years. How would you feel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 2:26pm
redandwhitej, I think giana gave you some very valuable questions to think about. People are VERY rarely satisfied with just knowing something; curiosity is not satiated that easily. I know very few people who could be told "I've always wanted you" by someone they currently want, and not take a step toward an affair. I hope you've set some very firm limits with how far you want to take this but the reality is, the closer you come to that line, the greater the risk you run of disregarding your own boundaries. Be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2008
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 3:55pm

This is wrong on so many levels.

First and foremost, YOU ARE MARRIED!! Why in the world did you marry your poor boyfriend if you were in love with another man? When the opportunity was there, you should have broken up with him before pursuing your manager (and that poses an ethics problem). It does sound to me like your manager toned down the flirting once he realized you'd gotten married.

Secondly, there was the fact that he was your superior at work, flirting with you and possibly crossing lines into inappropriate relationship territory.

Thirdly, your manager at some point got married himself, yet you still wanted him. He declined, I'm guessing out of respect for his wife and possibly your husband.

You have no self-esteem and no boundaries. I agree with Dansfoxywife that you have built him up in your head and you are clinging to an obsession. Women with low self-esteem tend to do this. Another reason you may be clinging to him is that he is way forbidden fruit.

You really need to think about what you're thinking and thinking about doing. You must consider the consequences of your actions, and you must put yourself in your husband's place and wonder how you would feel if he was secretly obsessing over a former co-worker. If you can't do that, at least have some respect for your former manager's wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 5:40pm

That's not really the "rest" of the story, it's a related yet seperate story. Your husbands poor choices don't negate the wrong of your poor choices.

You've got two friends who know and encourage you to what? To cheat on your husband? They downplay the other side of this, meaning the side that will ruin lives? Well with friends like those who needs enemies?! There's a saying "a friend will risk your affection to tell you the truth, an enemy will risk your future to tell you what you want to hear". Sounds like you've been told what you want to hear. That's pretty scummy of your friends, to encourage you to cheat. They should be encouraging you to work on saving your marriage, not destroying it further.

You're obsessing over what you want, and you've placed this guy in the lead role. Instead work on building and creating what you want within your marriage. When you start obesessing and fantasizing about what you imagine with that guy, stop and play it out with your husband--for real. You can have what you're desiring, with the man you should have it with.

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