VERY LONG.....Sorry...Need help
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| Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:05pm |
Sorry this is so long, but if someone can read it and let me know what they think I would appreciate it.
I have been dating a wonderful guy for a few months now, and overall its been great. He is a member in a private campground, and we spend every weekend there together since we have met. He has always initiated the invite, and on the days I have gone to head home, he always asks for me to stay another night. When Im gone he calls and tells me how he misses me etc. I have never invited myself or anything like that. I have a tendency to distance myself in relationships and not assume. I have some issues in my past with abandonment blah blah blah, and Im afraid of getting hurt...I want closeness, but then I get afraid. Should we get in a minor disagreement its my instinct to pack up and leave. He has mentioned this to me a few times..."how come everytime you get upset you run"? In a nutshell Im afraid. I love this man, although I have never spoken those words to him.
Anyway, I was there visiting with him for the past 5 days and yesterday I asked him (I went out on a limb and asked) so, are you going to see me this weekend? to which he said "I thought you had plans with your friends this weekend" and I told him those had been cancelled. We got sidetracked, and in the meantime I was thinkin' in my head maybe I shouldnt have said anything. About an hour later he says to me, so what are your plans? I said "Tony...you have to let me know as Im not just inviting myself here"...he just stared at me.... I felt hurt....I packed up all my stuff, and left. This was the first time he didnt try and stop me. Its only happened like 3 times in all. I got about a mile away and called his cell phone, and got his machine... I said "Your right ...I always run....and Im tired of running. This wont help anything. I dont want to run." I then drove back to his house. He came out and said "what did you forget"? He was pissed off. I said I didnt forget anything, that I was sorry and realized what it was I was doing and that I needed to talk with him. He looked at me and said he didnt want to talk. I said I want to make amends....and he said then make amends. He got in the car and left to run errands. So there I sat. I felt so stupid and so horrible. Anyway, he returns, and Im still sitting there... He says are you okay to drive home, and I said yes, but I waited there so I could talk to you. He said he couldnt that he had to go home (we were at the campground) and to call him later if I wanted to talk...and he pulled away, and so did I. He was just so cold, and didnt seem to care if I sat there til hell froze over. He did ask me to call him when I got home. I didnt....as I was still going over everything in my head. At this point its midnight, and he calls and I didnt hear it ring, and he called again 5 minutes later... I said sorry... I didnt hear the phone and I got a call from an old friend and was talking. He said a old friend? A girl right? I said yes a girl. In a way I was glad he cared whether or not it was a girl. He does seem to be the jealous type. So he said, Im glad you got home safe and sound. And he said talk with you later and I said goodnight.
Am I to assume he broke up with me? Is he done with me? Is it all over?
Is this just a fight he needs to cool off from? I hate this kind of stuff. We were just discussing how we need to open up a bit and tell eachother how we really feel as neither of us are mind readers. He really has cared for me and has been a great patient guy. Did I blow it? And what should I do now to help correct this? To make matters worse its the holiday weekend and there are a bunch of parties at the campground and everyone will be there...and weeks ago he spoke of me being there with him as its the last hoorah of the summer.
Then....Here's what i did....
I called, and got his voice mail and left the following message.
I hadnt heard from you and I wanted to talk so I figured I would give you a call. First off I wanted to apologize for my actions the other day. I tried to talk to ya right after, but you were angry , understandably so. Im sorry Tony. I didnt think how it would make you feel and I should have. I want to be close and open with you and as soon as I get close I have this tendency to pull away. Not cuz I dont feel it, but because I get scared. Im overwhelmed by how I feel for you. Your a wonderful good hearted attentive man. you have been so gracious, and I have acted stupid.
Im not perfect, and I have my faults, we all do, but I do see that what I have been doing, and Im done with it. I dont want to push you away...I want to draw you near. I just got scared. Our miscommunication the other day, well Im sorry. I felt rejected. Thats why I ran. I should have just asked and quit with the bs. Tony, your wonderful. All thethings you have done, said and shown. When you put your arms around me the other night and told me I was safe there in your arms, well I about died. Cuz I believe you. I have waited to hear that my entire life. I love you Tony. I do. And all this stuff just had me scared. I dont want to lose you.
This fight aside, were great together. We laugh and joke, and say things the same time the other one is thinkin' it. We click. I think you would agree. and my god, our kiss. Our kiss says it all.
You know I have alot of good in me. Im not perfect, no one is, but Im a good person who has alot going on. I have been honored to know you and be your girl. Can you forgive me and give me a chance to get this right? We should talk...as you said before we need to communicate better. We have alot going for us, we just need to work on that. Im willing. Im not holding back anymore.I care for and love you too much not too. Ive realized now that when I run, I hurt more, might as well risk it, cuz boy it would be so much better.
I wanted to spend the weekend with you, and I was worried about over steppin' my bounds. I should have just spoke up. I couldnt have been more stupid. I just hope you can find it in that big heart of yours to forgive me. My running days are over. I know its safe to be me with you. I just never had that before.
Please call me. I dont know what my plans are. I would love to see you. More than anything right now I want yor arms around me. To hug you and be hugged by you and know that everything is going to be okay. I love you Tony. I hope to hear from ya.
Then...sorry I know its long....
Anyway, he finally called yesterday after 2 days. However, he called me at 630 am and woke me up. It appeared he had been up all night with friends drinking. He rambled about stupid stuff initially, like everyday things, then says "you love me huh?" then was like uh huh.... I said Tony, we have to talk , and he said were past that, and said he was going to bed. I had had it. I got myself together and drove out there. It took me an hour and a half. His friends who saw me pull in were like Hey Dina, and I asked how Tony was...they all said that they had asked Tony where I was, cuz Im usually there and he just replied that i had made other plans for the weekend. They had no idea we were having problems.Then I went by Tony, knocked on his door, he didnt wake up, come back a bit later, he comes out, and hands me a paper plate, and on it, it says Dina, Please leave me alone. Thank You, Tony, and he says I have somethin' for you and hands me a pair of jeans I forgot there and I said you wont even give me 5 minutes, and he walked back in the house and shut the door...Im like screw this, got in my car and left. Not even 5 minutes later, I get a voice mail from him.....
Saying, alright, I shouldnt have done that, I feel bad....you probably are driving away crying, and it wasnt nice....call me, Ill give ya the 5 minutes. So, I call him, back, and mind you I wasnt crying, I was livid ...the paper plate....that was cruel. He said I feel bad, I said I was fine, that I just didnt understand...he says why did you show up here uninvited? Im like look u called me all weird, so I figured I would drive out to talk...he said he is tired of all this childish crap...that this was crap, and he was sick of feeling like a kid. I said me too, thats why I came here, to talk and cut trhough the crap.... he said stupid stuff like, you always say your house is spotless, but when your here your clothes are everywhere....I said Tony, I dont have a closet or a drawer here, much less a hampoer, so I stack my clothes up....in one pile in the corner.
He says you always say your going to bring something out, and then you forget to bring it.....Im like oh my god!!!! Your mad at me for this kind of crap? and he says thats part of it...he says you slammed my door when you left here last, and he said that will be the last time you do that.....Im like I didnt mean too, and Im sorry. Then repeats the childish crap. Im like Im trying to talk to you about this but you wouldnt talk to me. We both need to end the BS, and just be and open up. Im like I dont know where I stand etc..I said is this something we can work out, and he said my motto is ONLY TIME WILL TELL and repeated it like 3 times.
Anyway,he then tells me his stomach is in knots over this, that he wants to try and have fun with his friends that night if he can, and that he would call me when the weekend is over. I said okay, you can call me whenever you want. Then he says for me to call when I get home, and I said why, and he said so I know you got home okay.
What does this mean? Its weird.....BUT, the good news is he called cuz he knew he acted like a jerk.....are we broken up? I dont know....I hate this...Only time will tell....tell what ? If we will get together again, or break up? All his friends I ran into there said last night when they all got there they asked where I was, cuz Im usually there, and he acted fine, and said she had plans with her friends this weekend...and acted fine......so Im at a loss. Im confused, yet I feel a bit better I guess...its hard to say. At least i went there.
Only time will tell if we will work through this and stay together....or are we broken up now, and time will tell if we will reconcile???? that is the question....lol
I did call when I got home, and got his voice mail. So, that was around 4... I didnt expect to hear from him then til after the weekend. BUT, last night when I was headed out to a friends party he called....I was shocked....He said hey, glad you got home okay, I said well thank you. he said he just got in was cleanin' up and going to head to the lodge and hangout, and I said I was in the car headin' to a friends party...and he said where at i told him, and he said thats far...I said a bit, and he said well please be careful and drive safe....and then I said I dont plan on drinkin' and that i will be careful....and he said whose party? I said my friend Vince, and he said oh, and got quiet for a second, and then I said, but his girlfriend Hillary is hosting it too, and he said, well have fun, and I said you too and I will talk with you later. I made sure I sounded upbeat, and light, and it was nice. I was really glad he called, as I didnt expect it, at least not til after the weekend. Maybe he's cooling off or ?????
Then finally....
Well he called again tonight. He acts fine, but it just feels different to me after all that has gone on. He called and told me about his weekend, and I told him about mine. Said he was tired and was going to eat and go to be bed. Told me to have a good day
tomorrow. And that was the end of the call. Im glad he has called again....its a good sign I guess, but nothing has been said in regards to all the crap that happened earlier in the week. Im trying to keep it light and easy, but I feel like its not right. I dont want want to push right now. I love him and want to work this out. Yet, I dont know
where I stand. Yet he is still callin some. I guess were still a couple and he's seeing where its going to go? God help me, Im at a loss...how do I find out where I stand or even broach the subject? Im at a point where I dont want to push, yet I cant let this all pass.
He called me again this morning cuz he wanted to see how my dental appointment went.
Things were fine, but when he went to get off the phone I couldnt resist any longer... He said he had to go cuz of minutes on his phone, and i said would you call me tonite when u have free minutes? He said he didnt know cuz he had alot to do. I said, okay, look,
whats going on? So much has happened and I feel like crap. I said you wont talk to me, then you call. Im like I dont even know where I stand... Im like you give me a paper plate telling me to get lost, then we talk. Im like am I your girlfriend anymore or what? I said this is driving me nuts. I said if you dont want to be with me anymore just say so, but dont drag this out that way I can move on. And all he says is, maybe you should go back out to Glendale Heights and go out with that guy who asked you out saturday night. (i went to a get together at a friends saturday night, which he knew about
and a guy asked me out, which i obviously declined) Tony happened to ask me how the party went and asked if anyone hit on me, and I told him the truth. He never anwsered me....I just said I dont want to bother you etc, I just dont understand whats going on. If you want me gone say so. And he never said anything beyond that... said hedidnt have minutes right now and he would talk to me later.... Im like okay, and got off the phone. What can I do?
Darn it.... I just want to know if its over or not. He calls, but its like none of the
issues are being addressed. What can I possibly do? Please help

The next time you talk, I would ask him to set a time when you can get together face to face and discuss this. Talking over the phone about such things just isn't a good idea.
Sheri